Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Not much to update - here. I just feel guilty when I don't post for a few days. I lead a boring life what can I say!

But i really dolove reading and keeping up with all of you out there in blog land.

I'm trying really hard not to focus on the growing panic I feel as the weeks progress in this pregnancy. I try to imagine what it will be like to bring a baby home - but I'm not quite there yet. There's just to much time for things to go wrong.

I have another Dr's appointment on the 30th - two weeks away. It's so hard to wait. I keep imagining what is going wrong inside my body that I don't know about. Last time - no one knew that I was slowly killing my child - how is this time going to be any different. I find it really hard to beleive my MFM when she reassures me that it will all be OK. How can she be so sure??? No one thought anything would happen last time either and it did.

At the same time I'm feeling all this worry - I still stop and look at the baby stuff whenever I'm at target - wondering when it will feel safe enough to buy something.

Sorry - didn't mean to turn this into a downer... I guess I'm just struggling to keep everything in perspective right now.


Michele said...

I know those feelings. Friday is the day I went into labor with Nicholas gestationally and my whole world began to crumble. Our OB tells us that things look great, that the cerclage is holding, that my bp is down and there are no signs of preeclampsia... why cant I believe him? Why cant I see that things might be okay? Is that twinge of pain a problem? Is that the end I feel looming overhead?

It's no surprise that we have such anxiety. Peter tells me to just breathe and focus on the babies. I try and it does help. I pray a lot, and that helps too. But I am still just so damn afraid. These milestones are hitting hard as they get closer and closer. I know you are in the same boat.

Abiding with you and hoping and praying they all are right and that things will be fine.

Heather said...

Believe me, I understand.

It's all a very complicated mental game. Exhausting. Thinking of you and baby.

Ya Chun said...

hey, you have a lot to handle now!

I think your doctors are paying attention now, and hopefully that will make all the difference.

Funsize said...

I have those exact feelings. I keep looking forward to the next step- hearing the heartbeat, knowing the gender, bringing baby home. But, there's always that big what if in the back of my head. I try to push it away, but I can only hold it at bay for so long. I'm so afraid to buy baby things, because what if I don't get to take this one home too?

((hugs mama)
I hope you have a happy pregnancy with a happy ending this time.