Thursday, June 18, 2009

My answer to Bluebird about adoption

I started typing this as a comment on Bluebird's blog but it got to big and long. Check out her post to see where this all came from.

Sorry in advance - this is probably going to be LONG.

Adoption always was an option for me...for some reason it just always felt right. I guess I just feel like my DNA is no more special than anyone else's. And I never really was one to get all excited about the miracle of childbirth. (still not - but I don't really have much choice in the matter do I)

Most of you who read this blog already know that I have a 4yo adopted daughter.

There was no second thought when we adopted her. We never had a doubt that was what we needed to do to create our family. So we slogged through the paperwork and spent 10 long months waiting for the court system in a foreign country to give us their stamp of approval.

After the adoption was completed - I was OK with never getting pregnant. I had a beautiful, wonderful daughter and husband. That was all I'd ever wanted. We talked here and there about another adoption but the time never quite was right.

But then when we finally did feel like we were ready to start a second adoption - I got pregnant - completely by chance. It took a long time to get used to being pregnant. I wasn't prepared for it mentally. I really didn't think it was ever a possibility for us. But then when it finally settled in and we felt pretty good about it. Disaster hit. My daughter Ellie was born at 23 weeks and died in my husband's arms a few hours later.

After Ellie died there was this huge hole left in my heart and our family. So in a grief cloud I started doing anything I could to get pregnant again. I now realize I really was trying to replace what I had just lost. Terrible to say but it's really true. I wanted her back and was willing to do anything to make it happen. Against my own better judgement and my husbands, I charged ahead with IVF. I was bound and determined to make a pregnancy happen.

The IUI's and IVF cycles were a bust - but my last ditch cycle, where I used up my leftover IVF meds and skipped the IUI part, turned out successful. I'm now 14 weeks pregnant.

I worry - everyday about how this pregnancy and how it came to be will affect "A". I don't want it to hurt her. I don't want it to make her wonder about why we chose adoption. I don't want it in any way to make her feel less important.

I do know that she worries about us being a family when the new baby comes. I also know that she worries about us being different. But we are working on all of that. And I really do think we've made some progress. She told us last night at the dinner table that we are a family even if we are different.

At the same time I see how excited she is to have a brother or sister on the way. Ever since Ellie died "A" has been asking about a sibling. She talks about the baby a lot and has all sorts of things planned. She wants the baby to sleep in her room so it won't be lonely. (this one really made me teary eyed..)

So just like everything - there is good and bad. I just have to believe that the good will outweigh the bad over the course of a lifetime. I don't have any answers and I don't know what the future will hold but I have to believe that with lots of love all of my children will eventually understand the choices I made on my journey to motherhood. In different ways at different times I fought with all of my heart to welcome them into our family.


Bluebird said...

*Thank you* so much for sharing your thoughts! Your honesty means so much. It is so special to read about what brought you to this point.

And (yes, I'm going to be "all about me" here) it made me feel somewhat validated that you're actually *in* the midst of this and didn't think I was crazy with my original post :)

Your last sentance is what brought me to tears:

"In different ways at different times I fought with all of my heart to welcome them into our family."

So true. So true.

Michele said...

Just beautiful. And so true. Our DNA isnt that different. Somewhere down the line, we are all related anyway, I think. Motherhood is in our hearts and the children we mother are ours by love... Genetics makes it a tad easier (at times) but both adoption and pregnancy have their own ups and downs. It's the love that matters

niobe said...

What a gorgeous post.