Sunday, May 31, 2009

Complete chicken...

Sorry for the long week with out posts. Everyday seemed to hold it's own new work crisis that took every ounce of my energy. We have a huge sales presentation next Friday. My partner / co-director (not really sure what else to call her...we have the same position) and I decided Thursday to completely revise and revamp the presentation. I'm glad we did - because it will be a much fresher, more interesting way to present our new line - but it means a TON of work for us. And on top of that we have / had a house full of guests this weekend.

Everyone came to watch A in her first ballet preformance last night. She was so cute in her costumes. She didn't dance a bit but she did make it onto the stage. As shy as she is - that's a major accomplishment. (The whole performance story is a post in it's self...)

On to my real issue / dilemma... My Mom is here with us for the next few days from WI. I want to tell her about the pregnancy. But I can't. Everytime I open my mouth to tell her I clam up. She can tell something is up because I'm acting wierd - but she hasn't asked so far. I want her to ask so I am forced to tell her but I really don't think she will. OMG - I'm completely f***ed in the head. Why is it so darn hard to just come out and say it??? I had no problem blurting it out here - the day I found out. Why can't I just let everyone IRL in on it too. I know they will all be thrilled for us.

I keep telling myself it's for A's sake. I don't want to let her in on the pregnancy until much later. She was so hurt and confused after Ellie's death that I can't think about what another loss would do to her. She knows something is going on - because of the questions she keeps asking - she just hasn't worked out the details yet. But I'm sure that won't take her long.

I tried to talk to T about it - but he went the opposite direction, thinking that I wanted to keep this pregnancy a secret just for us. But that's not it either - I am OK with other people knowing now. I just can't tell them.

I can't let my Mom go home without telling her - but I'm afraid I'm going to wait until we are in the car on the way to the airport - and that will just be wierdly uncomfortable.

Why can't I just be normal and sane????

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Update after clinic visit

Everything is OK!!!! Heartbeat is excellent and the placenta looks good. Baby is right on track for size too.

Whew.... that made me feel much better.

There is no good explanation for the bleeding other than the Lovenox. I didn't see my normal Dr. - but that was OK. It turns out that they've added a lot of new Dr's to the staff since I was there with Ellie. Kind of nice to know that they are growing. Dr. C did say that there is some indication that bleeding in early pregnancy is a warning sign of possible preeclampsia, but we were already expecting that anyway. (another "duh" moment for me - since so many women who had preeclampsia are on Lovenox and Lovenox tends to cause bleeding... but that's just me)

So everything is good. I just need to take it as easy as possible. There's still a little bit of bleeding but unless it gets worse or there is heavy cramping I'm just going to have to live with it for now.

I will say I'm getting a little spoiled with all of the ultrasounds this pregnancy. (my insurance company might not be to happy with it soon - but I'll take the little joys as they come...)


I knew this wasn't giong to be an easy pregnncy - but for some reason most of my worries would come later but that's where I was wrong.

I started bleeding during the night on Sunday - not a tone, but enough to make a mess (sorry...tmi...) but it had mostly stopped by the time I got up on Monday. I called the clinic but they were closed so I called the Dr. on call at the hospital. He said bleeding was very common for women on Lovenox. (yes, thank you I knew that...) and not to worry about it since it had stopped. OK - this Dr. works for a MFM clinic, where they only see high risk paitients... HELLO - "don't worry about it"????? Who says that to someone with a high risk pregnancy???

The bleeding did come back later on during the day with mild cramping (but that might have been my overactive brain by that point). Not nearly as much but still definate bright red blood.

I'm hoping when I call my clinic this morning and talk to Dr. J's nurse she will tell me to come in and check it out. I could at least calm my racing mind.

That's all I really wanted yesterday when I called the on-call service. I know bleeding is common especially for someone on Lovenox - but when it is happening to you it doesn't feel like someting to be calm and rational about.

Friday, May 22, 2009


OK - I'm a sucker... I bought the Intelligender test last week. I'm one of those people who just can't stand not to know. Even watching movies - I'd much rather know what was coming up than wait to find out. (This completely drive T nuts...) Birthdays - I've bought my own gifts from about 12yo on... terrible but true...

I've been debating all week about doing it or not doing it. So today I took the test....

There is an 82% chance that it is a BOY... (OK - I understand that we won't know for sure for a while yet...but I will know eventually)

The whole time I was pregnant with Ellie we were convinced that she was going to be a boy. This time I really thought it would be another little girl. Guess I'm just completely of base.

Did you know?

My boss sent me the link to this video. It's a pretty cool way of communicating how quickly our world has changed and continues to change.

(Sorry - I couldn't figure out how to make the actual video show up in my blog post... I'm a bit technologically chanllenged!)

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Thank you for all your kind comments to my post yesterday. It made me feel a little better to finally come out and say what I've been feeling for so long. I guess her due date affected me more than I thought it would.

She is in the best possible place. I know that. In the cemetary where she is buried she is surrounded by family.

I was just being selfish by wanting her here with me.
Just in case you haven't sen it yet...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A new day

Yesterday was strange. It's hard to celebrate and/or grieve a day that really means nothing in the whole scheme of things. But yet it's there hanging on to the edge of my thoughts. I had a mornign meeting at work and then because it ran late I had to rush to my Peri for another appointment. In the midst of all that the haunting "It should be like this..." kind of thoughts kept pushing their way in to my mind. I haven't done that for a long time.

T didn't remember what day it was and I didn't mention it to him. We had a long talk recently - he thinks it's unhealthy to give so much power to dates. So I let him remember things in his way and I remember in mine. No hard feelings - just a mutual respect of the fact that we are very different people with very different approaches to life. (Believe me - this has take us a LONG time to figure out, but it works)

We live three hours away from where Ellie is buried so I didn't get to go visit her grave. That makes me a little sad. I wish she was here with me, that she was always within reach.

After she died I wish someone had talked to me (us) about our options. Everyone who I've ever known who died got buried. It didn't even occur to me that we could have her cremated so that her ashes could come home with us.

I'm not from the area where I currently live and neither is my husband. So a local cemetary wasn't really an option for us - because who knows how long we will live here. So we chose to have our daughter buried at the church where T grew up. In the plot next to his grandparents. It's a perfect place for her to be - except for the fact that I wish she wasn't there.

There are so many things that I wish had happened differently - I've learned to accept most of them because they were completely out of my control. But this is something that I just can't let go of.

Some days it easily slips from my mind - but then there are days like today that I wish I had more than a wilted flower and some tiny footprints on a card in a decorative box to hold onto.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The day that should have been...

Today should be Ellie's 1st birthday. But instead she's been gone for almost 16 months. There is still and always will be an empty place in our lives.

Who knows if she would have even been born on this date at all.

I wish we had had the chance to find out.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Welcome to this world

Introducing Molly Ann! She was born on 5/12/09. She is the brand new grand daughter of my dear friend and boss. Welcome to this world little one!


Happy Friday! A always gets so excited to know it's Friday - brcause she's learned that Friday means Saturday and Sunday come next!

I have a couple of questions that I'm hoping someone out there can help me with...

1. What is the best way to cook and eat Dandelion Greens and Swiss Chard? We got both of these in our veggie share this week and I have no idea what to do with them. I tried to wing it with the beet greens last week - but that didn't turn out very well so I'm hoping that you guys have some good ideas for me. I hate to let them go to waste.

2. When is the best time to prune roses? Ours are out of control tall and really look strange but I don't want to kill them. They are one of the few things that grow in our yard.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


This week our blurry little blob is measuring right on for our original due date of 12/11/09. The US machine was being difficult today so we didn't get any good pictures but heartbeat was great, placenta looked low - but the US tech said that was normal for this early in a pregnancy, and BP was AWESOME 116/68.

So why don't I feel better yet? I constatnly feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. T is over the moon with excitement. He was all smiles this morning after our appointment. I'm just not there yet I guess. It feel like there are just to many things that can still go wrong. Everyday I wonder if something has happened that I can't feel yet. Did I eat enough protein - did I drink enough water...

Today was a bittersweet appointment. It's kind of a long explanation - sorry... The perinatal clinic that I go to is about 1 hour away at a major teaching hospital - but they have a satellite clinic in our local hospital on Monday's and Thursday's. My MFM has set it up so that I can go for most of my appointments locally. Which is so nice of her to accomodate me like that - but it means that I have to see who ever is at the satellite clinic that day. Not a problem, for the most part. But today was hard. The MFM from my pregnancy with Ellie was there today. Don't get the wrong idea - I love her. I could not have asked for a better Dr to help me through such a horrible situation. When I was laying on the US bed and I heard who the Dr. was I just started to cry. All kinds of hard painful memories came flooding back. She came in and gave me a big hug and said how happy she was to see us again. Everything looked great today for this baby - but I was still lost in the memories of everything that wasn't right the last time. I guess I'm still trying to sort out the ghosts of pregnancies past before I can accept the present.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Another U/S tomorrow

Don't you just love the beautiful flowers I got for Mother's day. A & T picked them from our back yard. It may look like we have some sort of garden - but really it's just a glorified weed patch that happens to have a few brave flowers that poke their heads up every so often.
It's only Wednesday and already this feel like a long week. I have been so tired in the afternoons that I am pretty much useless after about 2pm. It makes my drive home miserable.
I have my second US tomorrow. I'm hoping things still look good - but trying not to assume that they will. But the good news is that my BP has been completely NORMAL since my appointment last week. (huge sigh of relief). Hopefully I'll have some pictures after tomorrow's appointment.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day

I had a nice Mother's Day (really it was a whole Mother's Day weekend...)

I feel guilty about having a peaceful Mother's Day. Like somehow that makes me cold and heartless because I didn't spend the day in misery, like I miss Ellie less somehow.

Where do all those crazy thought s come from? It's my curse...if there is the possibility of something to worry about I will find it and obsess about it for days.

My Mother's Day started on Friday. With flowers (I wanted to post pictures but no camera today...) from our backyard, yummy stir fry dinner, presents and a cake from A & T.

We got up Sat morning and headed for T's parents for the weekend. We laid around and watched A play outside most of the day. Then we went and got fresh strawberries and I pretty much ate myself SICK!!!! (but they were soooooo good!! :) )

Woke up on Sunday got two more hand made cards from A & T and a bunch of hugs. It was really pretty wonderful.

We went to church with T's parents. (I have and will always have issues going to their church. It was where we held Ellie's funeral.) It was their "Homecoming / Mother's Day/ Memorial Day" Celebration. Didn't really mean much to me until we got there. The entire graveyard was covered in flowers. It was the most beautiful sight. Everyone from the church had brought flowers to be put on the graves. I wish I had had a camera.

The service started off with the choir singing several songs. The last song they sang completely blindsided me. It was "Glad Reunion Day." One of the songs we had chosen to have sung for Ellie's funeral. Completely coincedence, I know, but I completely lost it and had to leave. It was wonderful at the same time. Like she was there to tell me that I was still her mommy and she wanted to be a part of my Mother's Day too. I've included the lyrics...

Glad Reunion Day (I hear it sung by Iris Dement in my head)

There will be a happy meeting in Heaven,
I knowWhen we see the many loved ones we've known here below
Gathered on that blessed hilltop with hearts all aglow
That will be a glad reunion day.

A glad day, a wonderful day,
A glad day, a glorious day
There with all the holy angels and loved ones to stay
That will be a glad reunion day.

When we live a million years in that wonderful place
Basking in the love of Jesus, beholding His face
It will seem but just a moment of praising His grace
That will be a glad reunion day.

A glad day, a wonderful day,
A glad day, a glorious day
There with all the holy angels and loved ones to stay
That will be a glad reunion day.

I'm not a religious person - but more and more I'm trying to understand what exactly I do beleive. Maybe someday I will figure it out. But until then I can find peace and even joy in a simple song that reminds me not only of what I lost - but what I had.

I hope everyone else had a peaceful Mother's Day with out to much pain and sorrow.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Seven Pounds

All I can say aobut this movie is WOW!

I had no idea what is was about going into it. Just knew that DH told me most critics hated it.

At the beginning you have no idea what is going on - but slowly as the movie progresses you figure it out.

Have any of you seen it?

Friday, May 8, 2009

The best husband in the world!!!!

Somehow I managed to loose my blackberry yesterday. I spent the entire morning here in the office wandering around looking for it. I called my husband at lunch, almost in tears because it was really stressing me out to have lost it. He drove 45 minutes to get to my office to help me look for it!

10 minutes after he got here he found it!!!
All week - I've been trying to figure out what to do. For now, I'm going to stand my ground. This blog is my personal place and I'm not going to give it up.

That said... This week has pretty much sucked. The weather has been grey and rainy. Work has been more insane than usual. I lost my blackberry yesterday and I've been feeling really, really sick 24/7.

Do any of you remember why I thought it was a good idea to get pregnant again? Because this week I've really been wondering what the heck I was thinking. I asked my husband if I was this sick last time and if it ever got better - his response... Yes, I was this sick and it only got worse the further along I got. Great...selective memory on my part.

Even with the miserable nausea - I have a much better feeling this time around. I'm worried, like any babyloss mama would be, but when I really think about it. This time around is a much more positive experience. Last time all I did was worry about gaining weight, missing work, taking leave, organizing family visits etc... I never did just enjoy being pregnant. The pregnancy part was just the ho-hum that had to happen before you brought a baby home.

This time I know how fragile a pregnancy can be. It isn't something to be taken for granted. It's something to be treasured.

The 23 week mark happens sometime in July. Right now that feels like a long way off. I'm hoping that I make it that far and a whole lot more this time.

Thanks for all yout kind words and support!!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Real world meets blog world

Until now this blog has been a place that no one IRL knows about. But now... because I was stupic and careless my real world now knows about this blog.

It shouldn't be a big deal - but it is.

I don't talk about people in a mean or nasty way - I do complain about stuff - but nothing really terrible - or at least nothing that I remember.

It's just my own private space to express what I think and what I feel with out having to be the "me" that I am to everyone IRL.

So now I guess I need to start thinking of this blog in a way that I haven't before. It needs to be written for everyone I know instead of just the make beleive world of blogland.

Friday, May 1, 2009


I have just discovered my all time favorite potato chip...Utz Kettle Classic Russet Chips... I'm not normally a big fan of chips - but WOW these are awesome! It's like eating a bag of the random burnt looking chips that show up in a regular bag of chips every so often. YUM!!!

And -yes - I did fall off the healthy eating wagon today.... but it's only because I went to the grocery store at lunch time when I was STARVING...other than that I've been doing great...


We have a heartbeat!

We had our first ultrasound yeaterday. Everything looked good with our little white blob - heart beat and all. Everything is pretty much on track for growth right now at 7w4d. So that's all good.

BP on the other hand is not so good. It's a little on the high side all of a sudden and it's been GREAT up until now. I've got an appointment with my internist next week - I'm very glad about that. I'm sure it will mean a higher dose of Labetelol - but I'm completely OK with that as long as it means my BP will go back down.

I'm sure it doesn't help that the rest of my week has been insane. In the furniture industry there is a week long trade show twice a year called Furniture Market. If you live outside of NC I'm sure you've never heard of it. It is an amazing gathering of furniture manufacturers and retailers from all over the world. It used to be a lot bigger than it is now...thanks to China and a crappy economy. But it's still pretty cool to walk around and see all of the designs you or your team have worked on for the past 6 months out there on display.

But now that Furniture Market is over it's back to business... getting ready to show the "new" line in May and June and finishing up the December line at the same time.

There just isn't enough time in a day.