Friday, February 27, 2009

Under the tree...

To read about project "Under the Tree" please go here

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?

I have been blogging for about 9 months. I started my first blog to share pictures of my daughter with my family. We don't live close to them and it was a way of letting them all see pictures of her in everyday life.

Then I started a seperate blog about the death of our second child hoping to just let it all out. I was driving myself and my husband crazy with all of the questions racing around in my head. I thought that writing it all down might help me let go of some of the pain. I have kept up with the 2 blogs because I think it is important to have a place for each of my duaghters that is there own.

I love the opportunity to read and connect with other mothers who have gone through similar things. It makes me feel much less isolated and alone in my feelings. I don't have much contact with anyone IRL that has lost a child or is dealing with IF issues. Reading others blogs makes me remember that I'm not crazy.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

I think I still keep most of my feelings to myself. I'm trying very hard to overcome this. My therapist actually suggested a blog as a way to start opening up and letting people in. I feel a strange sense of not really fitting into any category so I have a hard time really letting anyone else in on what is going through my head. That - or I just don't do a very good job of expressing myself.

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

It may seem like a strange choice - but LUCKY BONES byt Alice Sebold.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?

Loosing Ellie changed me in a few dramatic ways - but mostly it's little things that I notice the most. I used to beleive that ultimately the world was a good place. I don't really think that anymore.

Loosing Ellie robbed me of the peace that I had made with IF. After years and years of feeling guilt and anger at not being able to get pregnant I was OK with it. I was happy with my family exactly as it was. Then all of a sudden I'm pregnant. Now I realize that I do want a second child and I do want to experience being pregnant and having a newborn. And all of a sudden I'm thrown back into the depths of wanting something that I have no control over getting.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I see light. I didn't think I ever would - but I do.

A year ago at this time I was just coming back to work. I couldn't function. I was a disaster. Today - I do OK. I have managed to put away most of the unanswered questions and what if's. They aren't gone but they aren't there every minute of every day. I can laugh and enjoy myself with out feeling guilty.

A year from now I hope I will have been able to make peace with being pregnant or not.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Good news???

Well - yes, I guess it is good news. The 2nd surgery was a complete success! Something finally worked out the way it was supposed to.

But now we are left with the decision of where to go from here. We have had an emotionally draining year. I know that Truett is ready to be done with the emotional rollercoaster.

But after so many years of trying and not trying and avoiding anything to do with TTC - I want this to WORK. That's all there it to it.

I don't want to have put myself, my wonderful, paitent husband and my beautiful daughter through hell to walk away with nothing but a sad smile and a "maybe it will work next time" kind of farwell.

So - tell me... what would you do? As a 38 YO with tired ovaries, chronic HBP and the very real chance that PE will occur again? Would you go for broke and try every possible method of getting pregnant before you finally gave up?

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Knitting Therapy

I've been knitting again. I stopped for a long time because it was what I did while I was on bedrest before Ellie was born.

But this weekend I knit matching hats for my two favorite people in the world.

I had forgotten how theraputic the constant motion of knitting can be. There is no need to think of anything else - just the movement of stitches on the needle.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Does it ever get better?

Last week I started a post about how "good" I was doing. How I felt like I was moving forward and finally feeling like my life wouldn't end if I didn't get pregnant again.

Thank goodness I never did get back to the computer to finish that one.... because ladies and gentelmen... I was kidding myself.

I want to get pregnant but I'm really scared to go start really trying again. After the year from hell - the last few months without the stress and heartbreak of TTC have been a nice little break.

But next week I go back to the RE. And hopefully she will tell me that finally I have a uterus that just might be able to work. And then we can decide if it is actually time to get serious about TTC again.

Just to inject a funny snippet of IF humor... A co-worker and I (we are both in similar IF boats) joked recently that if only we'd know how hard it was for us to get pregnant we would have been sluts in college....

Keep your fingers crossed that after Tuesday we will be able to figure out what the heck we are going to do from here.

Friday, February 13, 2009

It's been a while...

Yes - it's been a while...

I've just returned from the depths of winter in WI (actually - they had record high temps while I was there but it was still to cold for me anymore). I try not to go back during the winter months. I've been spoiled by my many years of wonderfully mild winters.

My Mom had hip replacement surgery on Feb. 2nd. The three of us went up there to help out while she was recovering. She's doing great - but it's been a long hard couple of weeks to get there for her. Really it's been a very, very hard year for her. She has had three surgeries in the last 12 months. I just want everyone to know how proud I am of her. She has always been my ispiration.