Sunday, October 19, 2008

Our candles for all the babies who didn't deserve to die.

Where does the time go?

It's been almost 10 months since you were born. 10 months seems like forever.

I have asked myself why so many times in the last 10 months. That more than anything haunts me.

Why did I get pregnant after trying for so long only to have my duaghter taken from me? Why did I get PE? My list of why's goes on forever...

I am still working on learning to accept that there isn't an answer to all of my questions.

I have days that are "good" and I'm thankful for having been able to spend even a short amount of time with my daughter. On those days I can feel the joy that she brought us. Those good days are few and far between. But they are bittersweet. I cry because I can remember how it felt to hold your tiny body. You looked like my grandma. That was the first thing I thought when I saw you. I love to remember the last day - the day after the successful amnioinfusion - when you were really swimming around, kicking and playing. I wish that it hadn't had to end. I wish that I could have given you another 4 months to grow and be healthy.

But then there are days when I am just mad - mad at the world, mad at anyone and anything. Mad at every woman who has ever had a successful, uncomplicated pregnancy. I'm mad a lot more than I'm happy or thankful. Because everything about this just sucks. Why am I less deserving than anyone else? Why did it have to be me?

My therapist has helped me come to accept that there is no good or bad way to feel, no right or wrong. Emotions shouldn't be judged. They are just there with you. Whatever you are feeling is OK. So be mad if that's what you're feeling right now - or sad, or happy or anything. But that's hard. It sets you apart from the rest of the world. How can you chime in and say what you really feel about that "cute" little baby that someone is trying to shove at you?

I'm trying to remember that my duty and responsibility is to ME.

Loosing a child is more than anyone should have to learn to accept.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Please remember to light your candle tonight.

Today is infancy and pregnancy loss awareness day. Please take a minute to remember all of the families who have lost precious babies. Light a candle at 7pm tonight.
I miss my child. Every minute of every day I miss her with all of my heart.

How does a mother ever come to terms with all of the pain and heartbreak of the days and months and years that she doesn't get to spend with her child?

There are many days that I wish I had never gotten pregnant. Sounds horrible doesn't it...but if I had never gotten pregnant my world wouldn't have exploded and I wouldn't be the walking zombie that I am today.

Monday, October 13, 2008


I went to see my therapist this afternoon... and my quest for a baby is not a good way to cope with loosing Ellie.

Yeah - I guess I already knew that.

So - take out the pain and loss part of the equation and TA-DA... Everything that DH says makes sense... It is to soon to "know" what we want to do. Yes & No on that one for me. I know I want another child - but the method for acheiving that goal. That's where I get a little hung up. Nothing has that absolute wouldn't do anything else feeling yet.

I am leaning towards adoption - just because that has the best chances of success. But none of our current adoption options feels like the right path for us. I have been doing tons and tons of reading and research on adoptions. In a perfect dream world I would like to adopt from Guatemala again. But for right now that's out of the question.

But I'm getting ahead of myself already. Darn it....

But if anyone out there has any advice I'd love to hear it. Are you adopting? Are you doing ART? How did you decide which was the right path for you?

For us the decision to adopt Amelia from Guatemala feels like a no brainer now. I know we did a lot of searching then too - but it always felt like the right thing for us. That's where I want to be with this decision.

So - I'm not giving up. I'm just taking my time. I'm not going to let my overactive brain pressure my heart into doing something that will have a permanent effect on our lives.

Starting over....

I haven't posted here in a long time... not really sure why - just to completely over whelmed I guess.

I wanted to keep this blog as a place to remember my sweet little girl and not bog it down in all of the other junk that litters my so called life. But that is mostly impossible because loosing Ellie goes hand in hand with the rest of it.

So - new mindset - new start.

Here's the short version of my story.
  • 2002 - started ttc
  • 2003 - got married
  • 2005 - adopted Amelia
  • 2007 - got pregnant
  • January 2008 - gave birth to my daughter Ellie at 23 weeks due to severe preeclampsia
  • March 2008 - Met with an RE for the first time
  • April 2008 - Surgery to remove a uterine septum
  • June 2008 - IUI - BFN
  • September 2008 - IVF - BFN
  • October 2008 - ???
Last year I found out I was pregnant on October 8th. This year I'm not pregnant on October 8th (or 9th, or 10th or 11th on and on goes the ticker in my head).

I'm having a hard time dealing with that.

I have spent the last 9 months since loosing Ellie trying to find hope. And for me that hope was the thought that maybe I could get pregnant again. After the IVF BFN I'm not sure where to find anymore hope.

It seemed so simple after seeing the RE. Do some tests, find out what's wrong, get pregnant. Did the tests, found out what's wrong - not pregnant. Now what - I'm out of insurance coverage. It's not a great time to go looking for a loan to finance medical treatment and I am still $8000 in the hole thanks to the damn preeclampsia.

Right now I would do just about anything to have a baby. Before I really wanted to be pregnant again. Now with a much more modest goal - I just want to have a baby.

And yes - I'll own up to it. Another child would be a replacement for Ellie. I'm not proud of that but it's the truth for me right now. I feel a tremendous need to fill my empty arms. And having a baby would certainly help heal the hole in my heart.

I want to adopt. I would start today. I would call this instant. But it's not up to me alone. It's something that DH and I need to do together. And right now he's spent. I have put him through more than he ever felt comfortable doing. He didn't want to see an RE to start with. And somehow I managed to drag him along through IVF. (Does this man love me or what???)

So now I'm trying to be as good to him as he has been to me. Right now - he needs time to heal and I guess I do too.