Sorry for the long week with out posts. Everyday seemed to hold it's own new work crisis that took every ounce of my energy. We have a huge sales presentation next Friday. My partner / co-director (not really sure what else to call her...we have the same position) and I decided Thursday to completely revise and revamp the presentation. I'm glad we did - because it will be a much fresher, more interesting way to present our new line - but it means a TON of work for us. And on top of that we have / had a house full of guests this weekend.
Everyone came to watch A in her first ballet preformance last night. She was so cute in her costumes. She didn't dance a bit but she did make it onto the stage. As shy as she is - that's a major accomplishment. (The whole performance story is a post in it's self...)
On to my real issue / dilemma... My Mom is here with us for the next few days from WI. I want to tell her about the pregnancy. But I can't. Everytime I open my mouth to tell her I clam up. She can tell something is up because I'm acting wierd - but she hasn't asked so far. I want her to ask so I am forced to tell her but I really don't think she will. OMG - I'm completely f***ed in the head. Why is it so darn hard to just come out and say it??? I had no problem blurting it out here - the day I found out. Why can't I just let everyone IRL in on it too. I know they will all be thrilled for us.
I keep telling myself it's for A's sake. I don't want to let her in on the pregnancy until much later. She was so hurt and confused after Ellie's death that I can't think about what another loss would do to her. She knows something is going on - because of the questions she keeps asking - she just hasn't worked out the details yet. But I'm sure that won't take her long.
I tried to talk to T about it - but he went the opposite direction, thinking that I wanted to keep this pregnancy a secret just for us. But that's not it either - I am OK with other people knowing now. I just can't tell them.
I can't let my Mom go home without telling her - but I'm afraid I'm going to wait until we are in the car on the way to the airport - and that will just be wierdly uncomfortable.
Why can't I just be normal and sane????
2 comments:
I think you are totally normal and sane.... for a babylost mom. I know what you mean though, it's hard stuff.
it's hard. i get nervous before telling. i just have to take a deep breath and blurt it out. at least in person, i dont have a choice. my belly has a mind of its own.
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