Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A new day

Yesterday was strange. It's hard to celebrate and/or grieve a day that really means nothing in the whole scheme of things. But yet it's there hanging on to the edge of my thoughts. I had a mornign meeting at work and then because it ran late I had to rush to my Peri for another appointment. In the midst of all that the haunting "It should be like this..." kind of thoughts kept pushing their way in to my mind. I haven't done that for a long time.

T didn't remember what day it was and I didn't mention it to him. We had a long talk recently - he thinks it's unhealthy to give so much power to dates. So I let him remember things in his way and I remember in mine. No hard feelings - just a mutual respect of the fact that we are very different people with very different approaches to life. (Believe me - this has take us a LONG time to figure out, but it works)

We live three hours away from where Ellie is buried so I didn't get to go visit her grave. That makes me a little sad. I wish she was here with me, that she was always within reach.

After she died I wish someone had talked to me (us) about our options. Everyone who I've ever known who died got buried. It didn't even occur to me that we could have her cremated so that her ashes could come home with us.

I'm not from the area where I currently live and neither is my husband. So a local cemetary wasn't really an option for us - because who knows how long we will live here. So we chose to have our daughter buried at the church where T grew up. In the plot next to his grandparents. It's a perfect place for her to be - except for the fact that I wish she wasn't there.

There are so many things that I wish had happened differently - I've learned to accept most of them because they were completely out of my control. But this is something that I just can't let go of.

Some days it easily slips from my mind - but then there are days like today that I wish I had more than a wilted flower and some tiny footprints on a card in a decorative box to hold onto.


Lea said...

"I wish she was here with me, that she was always within reach" - I read this a half smiled. We did have Nicholas cremated and brought him home with us. But, like you, I was under the assumption that we HAD to bury his ashes. It wasn't until a little while later when my husband and I were talking about it, he said "who's to say we have to bury him. He can stay with us forever." It's a lovely thought.

I'm glad that Ellie is with her great-grandparents. It sounds like that place holds a special spot in your hearts... I do wish it was closer for you too. But, remember, she is never very far away ;)

Bluebird said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. Sounds like a rough day indeed. You know . . . *okay, deep breath* we let the hospital cremate and bury our babies with the other babies. I honestly don't even know where it is. It kind of bothers me, but I am extremely comforted by their trees - at least I have somewhere to "go." One reason I resisted "burying them" was because I wouldn't know where to do so. No one in our immediate families, including grandparents, have died. I didn't want to put them some where all alone. And what if we moved? I didn't want to just pick a random local cemetery . . . and, like you, it never occurred to me to have them with us.

FWIW, I think it's beautiful that she's buried next to T's grandparents. I think that, if my grandparents had already passed, I would have loved to have laid our babies with them even though it's a few hours away. In the long run, I like the idea. Even though I can understand that you're struggling now.

If I may offer some assvice - I don't know if you'd be comfortable with it, but I've kind of surrounded myself with the few tangible things we have, the need was so great. We framed their footprints in little silver frames and have them in our bedroom. The sketch from their photographs is in our family room with our other pictures. I wear their rings on a chain on my neck, and I find myself constantly grabbing on to it. . . it doesn't "fix" things, but it helped a little with the yearning I sense at the end of your post. Maybe frame the flower or the footprints? Or have a pendant made? Hope you don't mind my 2 cents. . .


Ya Chun said...

we cremated Serenity, because like you we are not from where we live.

That having been said, I never (rarely) feel the need to 'visit' her urn. I know that she is not there.

Does she have a headstone? I think that is one nice thing, to declare to all that pass by that she was here. Our way is more private and unknown.

Alice said...

Thinking of you ...

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

This is so very hard, deciding what to do and then yearning for something different. I remember walking through the cemetery after we lost E. It was absolutely overwhelming trying to pick a spot. We decided to pick a temporary spot until we buy a family plot. Then, we'll move her out of the 'baby' area and into our plot.

Are you able to move Ellie, perhaps cremate her remains now? I know rules very from place to place and perhaps it's not something you're wanting to investigate right now, given the emotional roller coaster it could produce.

I try to remind myself that E is not really in the cemetery. It's simply a place that memorializes her. We could dedicate anyplace to her memory. Any object. A garden. Trees, like Bluebirds trees. A necklace. A scholarship in her name. (Actually, we do have a memorial fund in her name for my high school alma mater).