Yesterday was strange. It's hard to celebrate and/or grieve a day that really means nothing in the whole scheme of things. But yet it's there hanging on to the edge of my thoughts. I had a mornign meeting at work and then because it ran late I had to rush to my Peri for another appointment. In the midst of all that the haunting "It should be like this..." kind of thoughts kept pushing their way in to my mind. I haven't done that for a long time.
T didn't remember what day it was and I didn't mention it to him. We had a long talk recently - he thinks it's unhealthy to give so much power to dates. So I let him remember things in his way and I remember in mine. No hard feelings - just a mutual respect of the fact that we are very different people with very different approaches to life. (Believe me - this has take us a LONG time to figure out, but it works)
We live three hours away from where Ellie is buried so I didn't get to go visit her grave. That makes me a little sad. I wish she was here with me, that she was always within reach.
After she died I wish someone had talked to me (us) about our options. Everyone who I've ever known who died got buried. It didn't even occur to me that we could have her cremated so that her ashes could come home with us.
I'm not from the area where I currently live and neither is my husband. So a local cemetary wasn't really an option for us - because who knows how long we will live here. So we chose to have our daughter buried at the church where T grew up. In the plot next to his grandparents. It's a perfect place for her to be - except for the fact that I wish she wasn't there.
There are so many things that I wish had happened differently - I've learned to accept most of them because they were completely out of my control. But this is something that I just can't let go of.
Some days it easily slips from my mind - but then there are days like today that I wish I had more than a wilted flower and some tiny footprints on a card in a decorative box to hold onto.