Sunday, May 31, 2009

Complete chicken...

Sorry for the long week with out posts. Everyday seemed to hold it's own new work crisis that took every ounce of my energy. We have a huge sales presentation next Friday. My partner / co-director (not really sure what else to call her...we have the same position) and I decided Thursday to completely revise and revamp the presentation. I'm glad we did - because it will be a much fresher, more interesting way to present our new line - but it means a TON of work for us. And on top of that we have / had a house full of guests this weekend.

Everyone came to watch A in her first ballet preformance last night. She was so cute in her costumes. She didn't dance a bit but she did make it onto the stage. As shy as she is - that's a major accomplishment. (The whole performance story is a post in it's self...)

On to my real issue / dilemma... My Mom is here with us for the next few days from WI. I want to tell her about the pregnancy. But I can't. Everytime I open my mouth to tell her I clam up. She can tell something is up because I'm acting wierd - but she hasn't asked so far. I want her to ask so I am forced to tell her but I really don't think she will. OMG - I'm completely f***ed in the head. Why is it so darn hard to just come out and say it??? I had no problem blurting it out here - the day I found out. Why can't I just let everyone IRL in on it too. I know they will all be thrilled for us.

I keep telling myself it's for A's sake. I don't want to let her in on the pregnancy until much later. She was so hurt and confused after Ellie's death that I can't think about what another loss would do to her. She knows something is going on - because of the questions she keeps asking - she just hasn't worked out the details yet. But I'm sure that won't take her long.

I tried to talk to T about it - but he went the opposite direction, thinking that I wanted to keep this pregnancy a secret just for us. But that's not it either - I am OK with other people knowing now. I just can't tell them.

I can't let my Mom go home without telling her - but I'm afraid I'm going to wait until we are in the car on the way to the airport - and that will just be wierdly uncomfortable.

Why can't I just be normal and sane????


Heather said...

I think you are totally normal and sane.... for a babylost mom. I know what you mean though, it's hard stuff.

Michele said...

it's hard. i get nervous before telling. i just have to take a deep breath and blurt it out. at least in person, i dont have a choice. my belly has a mind of its own.