Friday, September 4, 2009

The hard stuff...

I've got two posts in my head today, both of them (at least in my mind) are kind of big and serious - but I think I'll tackle this one first...

You always hear how hard it is for a couple, a marriage, a family to survive the death of a child.

After a death there are always stories to be shared - about so & so who broke up after their son died, or some one's aunt who turned into an alcoholic and her husband left her... additional tragedies piled up on top of tragedy.

But do you ever hear about the families that make it through the really hard stuff only to fall apart in a time of relative calm?

That's what seems to be happening to us...

It isn't sudden, even though it really feels like this has all happened out of the blue. We've had our own share of problems - some big, some small, some incredibly stupid... but this is different somehow.

It's hard to write about the nasty skeletons in my closet - I don't tell anyone these things - I guess because if no one else knows then I can pretend that they don't exist too.

Sorry but I have to give you the background otherwise it won't all make sense...

"T" and I met at work - when we met we were pretty much equals, but over the years I have moved into a position to essentially be his boss. For the most part this didn't cause any problems until our industry collapsed and in order to survive the company had to downsize. In my new position I was involved in the decision making process. For two years I agonized over choices about who to keep and who to let go. And then last October in our last round of cuts - T's position became part of the equation. Really there was no choice - it just had to be done. On some level he knew it was coming too - but the reality of it was hard. He is still able to do a few freelance things for us here and there - but not really that much. Because of the state of the industry there just aren't any jobs in the area (or in the US) anymore.

So with the loss of his job - the downward spiral for us began. I don't know how to help him. He's just given up on everything. I know it is depression - but in his mind it's just the way life is and will always be. I've tried to get him to see some one - but he just won't make that leap to reach out for help. And now it's been going on for so long that I'm starting to get frustrated and short tempered with him not doing anything...literally...nothing for days at a time.

I don't want to be like this - but I feel all this pressure to keep things going - pay the bills, try to get things done, plan for a new baby, make the world and OK place for YaYa while watching T fade away before my eyes.

Nothing will snap him out of the rut he is in. I tried to get him excited about doing the baby's room. He did a great mural in YaYa's room before we brought her home. But it just lead to a big fight. (Did I mention that on top of everything else we tend to be polar opposites on most things... I like to get things done early - T tends to prefer the last minute approach...)

He just blurted out that I forced him into having another baby and that I should have to handle everything because this is what I wanted - not him. Later he said he didn't mean it - but it's there hanging over our heads.

We've barely talked all week - and mostly that is my fault - I know he's feeling bad but so am I.

I'm not ready yet to be the one to make everything OK. I'm not ready to forgive the thoughtless words that cut me to my core. And I will go on doing what I'm doing but that joy, that wonderful hard found joy that had just surfaced is a little less bright and special.

How is it that we ended hurting now more than ever?


Heather said...

Wow, that sounds really hard. I can completely see how the job loss and the stress of a new pregnancy could make things really difficult.

Would he go to counselling together with you? My husband does this but he would NEVER agree to go on his own. It's gotten us through some rough patches in the past year and a half.

I'll be thinking of you guys,

Just Breathe said...

Thank you for sharing your personal struggle. I am so sorry.
Obviously he needs some help but he has to reach that point on his own. Today's world has way too many people in the position of unemployment. He has been hit hard.
I will pray for him. Sounds like you are doing everything right. Just how much strength do you have to come up with? Your struggle is not an easy one. I will pray.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm really sorry. In the reading I did, it is often about now when things get rocky.

If he won't go to counselling, you go. You can't change him, but you can help and support yourself.

Bluebird said...

That sounds so difficult. There's just so many layers here. . . before I ever was pregnant with our twins, B was laid off for several months, and that alone was difficult. I can't imainge being unemployed, combined with everything else.

Ditto everyone else - if he won't reach out to someone, see if he will with you. And if not that - than you go. You are going to need all the strength and support you can get to keep holding everything and everyone together like you have been. It's so much :(

Thank you for sharing this with us. Will be thinking of you. . .

Ya Chun said...

I am sorry things are tough for you guys right now.

I think our roles here are reveresed. After Serenity died, I quit my job, with no interest in finding something else. I started doing some freelance and I found a very small part time job. I found some hobbies that suit me. I would say that I am not as active, outgoing, or jubilant as I used to be. But, the big thing is, Triple S doesn't pressure me. (This is where it is trickier for you guys). He's says my job is to be healthy (mentally and physically) and to (now) grow a baby. He doesn't want t o deal with me stressed out from work.

I take care fo some stuff around the house, but mostly don't care. Triple S cleans alot. I pay bills, work, read, garden. Sometimes I cook dinner and sometimes he does when he comes home form work (now, with the nausea esp).

So, I guess, I am finding my own way. I think I am more upset about my lack of contributions than Triple S is - but that makes the difference.

maybe T will be stay-at-home dad????

Michele said...

Oh Donna... The stress of everything does keep piling on and on. It's a strain and eventually the tiny things are what pop the balance. I know that some of our fights were over little things that we just couldnt keep in anymore. And you are right. You want to talk and "fix it" but you cant. Sometimes the words/actions just dont come.

I agree with some of the previous posters. Is there a chance of counseling together? Or, if you guys arent counseling types, is there a chance you could go away for a weekend, just you, to try and relax together and talk things out together?

Sending big hugs and prayers of hope...

Ruth said...

That sounds so difficult for both of you. I think that the stress of babyloss affects relationships for a longer time period than may be apparent - times of calm or not. I hope that you can weather this together.
All best,

Tina said...

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how stressful this is for both of you. I hope things get better very soon, it is so much harder when things just are not going well at home. I will be thinking of you. xx

Funsize said...

This is really tough. I see my father in law going into (or being in) a depression because he can't work too. I guess it's hard on the dad's psyche when he can't provide for his family.

MacD and I have had our rough patches too. We haven't been married long, our first anniversary as a married couple in April. But we keep in mind, that if we could survive the pain of losing a baby, we could survive anything, including the first year of our marriage and any marital problems that come our way.

I hope you two can work things out.


Virginia said...

I think the shit hits the fan, so to speak, when things seem "normal" and calm. That's really what happened to us; we held it together in the first year, not knowing we were really falling apart as a couple. We got through losing one baby, moving house, then having another, but the summer our living child turned 1, we completely lost it. It stunned us both.

I agree with the others - if he won't go to counseling, you go. Maybe eventually he'll change his mind, but I feel sure it would help you.

I'm thinking of you.