Friday, November 6, 2009


Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

I've been really struck by these questions and many of the answers I've read.

I'm coming up on 2 years since my daughter's death. I dont' know if I can say I miss her so much as I miss the idea of what she would have been. I miss what our family would have been if she had survived. I miss being able to see Yaya and her sister grow up together. I see my neices who are the same ages that Yaya and Ellie would have been and wonder if they would have a similar relationship.

During this pregnancy I have thought about Ellie a lot. I wonder what could have been different if anything had someone noticed what was going on sooner. I wonder if we would have made it any further along - giving her a better chance to survive.

My grandmother died in September. Yaya likes to think of her in heaven with Ellie. I don't know what I think. I've never been able to resolve all of that in my own heart and mind. But I do know that I've always felt a connection between Grams and Ellie. From the moment she was born I thought she looked just like my grandmother. For most of my pregnancy with Ellie I really thought we would name her Charlotte (my grandmother's name) - but we changed our minds at the hospital after we found out she wasn't going to make it.

I think I have found peace. I haven't forgotten or even gotten past what happened - but I do think that I can accept it as part of who I am and what my family is.


3 comments:

Jen said...

I think that we get to a place where we feel more peaceful about our babies. I know I do. Hugs.

Michele said...

I think we are at a place of acceptance. I dont know that we will ever be 100% at peace with their deaths, but we accept them as part of our lives now.

Once A Mother said...

I think the wondering never ends.... glad you have found some measure of peace