Sunday, November 8, 2009

Emotional Landmine

I thought signing up for the prepared childbirth class at the hospital was the responsible thing to do. And I guess it is if you are a blissfully ignorant first timer it is. Me on the other hand - I guess I've just seen to much in my own life and your stories.

It started out great. Good information, nice people, what seemed like a great instructor... Then is just got hard.

It was just so emotional to sit there and talk about labor and birth and what it will feel like and what to expect. I know (or at least I have a lot of hope) that this time it will a completely different experience. Even though this birth will hopefully have a happy ending my journey to it wasn't exactly filled with joy.

I don't even remember exactly what set me off yesterday, but it must have been the (far to short and glossed over) conversation yesterday about PE. Not even a blip on the minds of a single mom in the room besides me. No one gave a second thought to the mothers and babies that die because of PE.

And then there was the endless discussion about how bad and horrible induction was... (yes, for my own health and the health of my child I am being induced...) Not a single person in that room took a minute to consider there might be a perfectly good reason for a Dr. to schedule an induction. Yes, there was a film about one mom who was induced for being 2 weeks over due - but I guess in every other circumstance it's selfish of the mom to agree to an induction.

Then there was a film about the actual birth that showed dozens of happy healthy little babies being handed to the happy alert moms and dads. I had to get up and leave for most of that one. I just completely lost it at that point. I did this. I had a baby. I was in labor and gave birth. But I didn't get to hear her cry. I didn't get to see her beautiful eyes looking back at me. I got to watch my daughter slowly fade away. How do you relive those moments in a room full of strangers who are completely immune to tragedy? I sat in the bathroom balling my eyes out wondering what in the hell I was doing there.

Signing up for this class I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be the happy almost full term pregnant lady learning about what comes next. But I guess I needed one more reminder that is far from what I am.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy that we took the class - there were some very useful tips and ideas for what to bring along to help with labor and being at the hospital. But for the most part - I am very disappointed that there wasn't more open and honest discussion about how each pregnancy is different with different circumstances and different needs and how that is OK too.


Michele said...

Oh Donna... I am so sorry. With Alexander's pregnancy, I remember thinking about signing up for group Bradley classes and just knew I couldnt stomach it. I was so glad when the instructor said she had no issues doing one-on-one classes. It made it much easier to handle the issues we had and to bring up things that would have been (probably) inappropriate in a group setting. I give you credit for being brave and strong enough to go to a group class!

Heather said...

Wow. You're much braver than I am- I didn't even consider signing up for prenatal classes with the "normals"- I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Good for you, that's great that you went and got something out of it.

AKD said...

You're so strong. Hugs to you for enduring that.

Bluebird said...

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. I so admire your attempt to be responsible and normal :) I really don't think I could do it, I really don't. To be surrounded by the blissfully ignorant? Eye.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry, Donna. I was in the hospital on bedrest by the time I was far enough along to take any classes with N. By the time I was pregnant with E, I just knew it was something I couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't do. I guess I was just tired of having to explain/argue to people I knew (people in my family whom I generally care about) how serious PE was; I knew I couldn't handle sitting in a room with strangers and feeling compelled to do so, but not wanting to. KWIM?

I'm so happy that you're so close to meeting your little man. I can't fathom the bittersweetness of everything wrapped up in his arrival, but I hope it's peaceful and happy and amazing, too.

Thinking of you.

Ya Chun said...

that sounds like it was pretty sucky.


I have been thinking that i would take a class this time aroun, but,um, maybe not. i will at least have to take the tour since we are gong to a different hospital...