Do you ever have those days where you just can't stop obsessing about what happened in the past?
Letely I keep thinking about the day we were flying back from visiting my parents after Christmas 2007. I was 18 or 19 weeks pregnant with Ellie at the time. We were running late and YaYa had to go to the bathroom. I was carrying a bunch of carry on bags and YaYa trying to hurry down the ocncourse to the bathrooms. I suddenly felt a sharp stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. It wasn't so terrible that I couldn't stand it - but it wasn't pleasant either. I couldn't stand or sit or lay comfortably for several days. And then no more than a week later came our terrible ultrasound when we found out Ellie didn't have any amniotic fluid.
Now when I think back on it I wonder if I did something that caused part of the placenta to seperate and started the avalanche of IUGR, oligohydramnio, and PE. I can't seem to get it out of my mind that maybe trying to do more than I should have done is what caused everything to go wrong with Ellie's pregnancy. Everyone told me to slow down - but I never listened. I was goingt o be super pregnant woman.
I never mentioned it to the Dr's at the time because the connection just never really dawned on me at the tiem. But it hit me recently for some reason and now I can't shake the thought. I'm going backwards I guess... back to the blame and the guilt of the early days after Ellie's death.
It feels like crap. I've been in a major funk all week. For no real reason either. I should be celebrating. Everything seems to be going so well this time. But somehow that just makes me feel worse about what happened to Ellie. Why does one baby get to live and the other doesn't?