Monday, July 13, 2009

I saw this on Carly's blog.

It made me cry. I cried because for me it is true - I probably would give up five years of my life to be thin (even now after so many years...)

EDs are so destructive. They rob vibrant young women of so much happiness.

I am recovered - mostly. But there are still the nasty haunting thoughts that linger in my mind and probably always will. Like this morning when I stepped on the scale and a bigger number than I have ever seen before in my life popped up. I've been feeling bad about it all day. And then I happened to see this video and I reminded myself that I am good and I am beautiful no matter what the number is.

I'm sure some of you will judge me because I'm pregnant. Weight should be the last thing in the world I'm worried about after everything I did to get pregnant. But that's just not how real life works. This is who I am - I'm f***ed up and that all there is to it. I want this baby to be born healthy and I want to take care of myself so that I can make it happen. Sometimes I just have to work a little harder to make sure I can ignore the awful voices in my mind.

4 comments:

Just Breathe said...

I didn't notice that one on Carly's blog. I think I would give up 5 years to be thin. I have a daughter who has OCD/BDD and I wish she could see how beautiful she is. I have severe asthma and just can't do any exercise at all!
I am lucky to walk to the laundry room and do laundry. I am 57 and
would love to be thinner. I will pray for your thoughts to never return.

Michele said...

Pregnancy is probably the one time in my life that I dont obsess about my weight. I was athletic in HS and college (never thin but fit) and then, once the PCOS hit hard, I just gained and gained... I tell myself that I will get fit again, but it is so hard to lose a single pound. But I want to be healthy for my kids. However that works out.

And, you ARE beautiful. Your weight is NOT the judge of that. It's your spirit. Very beautiful indeed.

Ya Chun said...

I hope you get a big big beautiful pregnant belly! It is a gorgeous and special thing. I loved having that big belly.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Consider ditching the scale for the entire pregnancy and for at least six weeks afterward. I can relate to ED and the scale can be my worst nemesis. You could even ask the nurse/doctor not to tell you your weight when you weigh at your appointments.

Peace.