I had an MFM appointment yesterday - Dr. J wasn't available so I saw one of the nurse/midwives in the group. I wasn't sure I was going to be happy - but I ended up loving her!!!
She was so nice and completely helpful. We talked for a ling time about what happened last time and how I was getting close to those dates with this pregnancy. She told me I could come in as often as I wanted to and could request an ultrasound if it would make me feel better - no matter what! I guess the light bulb just came on for me at that point. Why torture myself through the next 5 weeks. So we just went ahead and scheduled a whole bunch of appointments.
But one thing did really bother me a little bit...as we were going through some of the events from last time she was looking through some notes in my records on the computer and for some reason it had Ellie's birth listed as a stillbirth. She was alive and with us for 2 hours. I really hate that one short sentance buried in my medical records completely negates her short life. She was here. She was with us. I saw her move and struggle to breathe. We all knew she was going to die - but that still doesn't mean that she didn't live.
It's amazing how different this pregnancy is. At 18weeks I am bigger now than I ever was with Ellie. And this baby is active. I have been consistently feeling movement for almost 2 weeks already. With Ellie I almost never felt her move until after the final amnioinfusion right before I had to be induced.
In a lot of ways this makes me hopeful that things will be much, much better this time around. But there is so much sadness mixed in too. All of the things that should have happened but didn't. The next 5 weeks are going to be really difficult. It was at the 20w growth scan that we learned there was a problem with the pregnancy. I have my 20w growth scan with this little guy in two weeks. At 17w we were told that Ellie was perfect - by 20w they weren't sure she would survive overnight. Ellie was perfect. My body was not. It was slowly killing my daughter. Maybe it won't happen this time, who knows. But wether I had any control over it or not I will always live with the knowledge that my body is the reason my daughter is not with us today. I don't think this had made me a stronger person or even a better person - just a different person.