Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I had an MFM appointment yesterday - Dr. J wasn't available so I saw one of the nurse/midwives in the group. I wasn't sure I was going to be happy - but I ended up loving her!!!

She was so nice and completely helpful. We talked for a ling time about what happened last time and how I was getting close to those dates with this pregnancy. She told me I could come in as often as I wanted to and could request an ultrasound if it would make me feel better - no matter what! I guess the light bulb just came on for me at that point. Why torture myself through the next 5 weeks. So we just went ahead and scheduled a whole bunch of appointments.

But one thing did really bother me a little bit...as we were going through some of the events from last time she was looking through some notes in my records on the computer and for some reason it had Ellie's birth listed as a stillbirth. She was alive and with us for 2 hours. I really hate that one short sentance buried in my medical records completely negates her short life. She was here. She was with us. I saw her move and struggle to breathe. We all knew she was going to die - but that still doesn't mean that she didn't live.

It's amazing how different this pregnancy is. At 18weeks I am bigger now than I ever was with Ellie. And this baby is active. I have been consistently feeling movement for almost 2 weeks already. With Ellie I almost never felt her move until after the final amnioinfusion right before I had to be induced.

In a lot of ways this makes me hopeful that things will be much, much better this time around. But there is so much sadness mixed in too. All of the things that should have happened but didn't. The next 5 weeks are going to be really difficult. It was at the 20w growth scan that we learned there was a problem with the pregnancy. I have my 20w growth scan with this little guy in two weeks. At 17w we were told that Ellie was perfect - by 20w they weren't sure she would survive overnight. Ellie was perfect. My body was not. It was slowly killing my daughter. Maybe it won't happen this time, who knows. But wether I had any control over it or not I will always live with the knowledge that my body is the reason my daughter is not with us today. I don't think this had made me a stronger person or even a better person - just a different person.

9 comments:

Bluebird said...

I wish I had some words for you. It seems I'm repeating myself lately. But all I can really say is -

I understand. It's horribly wrong and unfair. And I'm so, so sorry.

Mrs. Spit said...

Yes. And I won't tell you not to worry, I'll tell you that I will be waiting for that next scan, and I'll breath a sigh of relief, too.

Hoping and praying.

Heather said...

I understand, too.

The stillbirth thing would have really bothered me too. It surprises me that they have that on your chart.

Thinking of you.

Michele said...

I remember seeing/hearing some things in my medical file that Peter and I had to have changed... But just hearing them- God, that was horrible. Horrible.

These babies are much bigger and move more than their siblings. Like you, I keep taking this as a good sign. I just hope so much... For both of us...

I love doctor's offices that are like yours! Last appt, when Dr B told me I could come in any time and he would fit me in, it was a breath that I couldnt take. Like, I could go in if I 'felt' something was wrong and it would be okay. I'm so glad you have that level of support, too.

Just Breathe said...

I know your fears are real and to tell you this time will be different won't change how you feel. I am so sorry about the pain you have been through and the stress you are going through now.
I think that you should tell them to go back into the computer and make it say she was born and passed away two hours later. Do that, I think it will help you.

This is not related in anyway but when my daughter got married 7 years ago her husband was currently out of the country in the service. It was after 9/11 and they felt the need to get married because life is so short. So he was going to have leave in a few weeks and we planned the most beautiful wedding you can imagine
at The Mission Inn in Riverside,CA.
On the womans chart who was working with us it said, shotgun wedding. My daughter was not pregnant and I hated that term. I don't think I said anything and I should have!

Kate said...

I am glad you liked the NP you saw, it sounds like she was sensitive to your needs. I would go to the doc as often as you need to. Whatever makes you feel more secure will help ease some of the stress. (some being the key word there)

That would bother me to if I saw Zoe listed as a stillbirth, even though she was alone alive for an hour.

I see the baby is the size of a sweet potato! I just love your baby ticker...so cute.

Hugs to you.

Funsize said...

Here's to hoping everything goes well with you and your little man inside you.

I'm crossing all my fingers and toes for you.

xoxo

Barefoot said...

I'm glad to hear that things are going well, and I hope that the next few difficult weeks go by quickly and uneventfully.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I missed this one the other day, but I want to offer my support and encouragement.

That one word - stillborn - would hurt. I can understand that. It's as if somebody is taking something from you. My E was stillborn, so my trigger word is miscarriage. And it's not that miscarriages are not painful. I cannot imagine suffering that on top of this. But, it's different. Not different as in better. But different. It doesn't feel right when people call what happened to E as 'miscarriage.' Just as it doesn't feel right to you and you feel even more cheated when people say Ellie was 'stillborn.'

I'll be praying for you.

Peace, my friend.