Do you ever think about making a clean break from your current life? Just getting in the car and walking away from it all?
Not from YaYa or T - but the rest of it - the rest of the big gigantic unmanageable mess that my life has become. I'm tired of making it all work. I'm tired of making myself believe that I'm OK with the way things are. I want a new life where I don't have to pretend and tell everyone what they want to hear.
Today everything about this almost here baby is reminding me about the baby that wasn't. The baby that could have been. The one who should be here right now - taking a nap in the room that I need to clean out.
But no I'm left packing up the remnants of her tiny little life; the cards and hospital papers; a little hat and sweater I made; and the book we took with us to the hospital to read to her after she was born. All of this has been thrown in a clothes basket in our bedroom for the past year and a half - waiting to be dealt with. I thought I was strong enough now, but I guess I was wrong.