Saturday, October 10, 2009

A clean break

Do you ever think about making a clean break from your current life? Just getting in the car and walking away from it all?

Not from YaYa or T - but the rest of it - the rest of the big gigantic unmanageable mess that my life has become. I'm tired of making it all work. I'm tired of making myself believe that I'm OK with the way things are. I want a new life where I don't have to pretend and tell everyone what they want to hear.

Today everything about this almost here baby is reminding me about the baby that wasn't. The baby that could have been. The one who should be here right now - taking a nap in the room that I need to clean out.

But no I'm left packing up the remnants of her tiny little life; the cards and hospital papers; a little hat and sweater I made; and the book we took with us to the hospital to read to her after she was born. All of this has been thrown in a clothes basket in our bedroom for the past year and a half - waiting to be dealt with. I thought I was strong enough now, but I guess I was wrong.


jamie said...

Sorry you are having a tough day - odd how they always seem to sneak up on you when not expected.

I think about running away from it all with the hubby and the dogs all the time :)

Do you have a nice box you can put all of Ellie's things in?

Funsize said...

I just recently sorted through everything- unopened and not- for my son. It was so, so hard.

If you decide to run away somewhere, say some exotic island, let me know? I'll bring margarita mix, to celebrate the birth of your new one.


AKD said...

I am so sorry that you have to put all of that away - I've got assorted piles of Maddie's stuff, too, that are just waiting for me. I hope that you find some sense of healing or unity through all of this.

Michele said...

Oh sweetie... I remember going to Staples and buying a nice box (that locked, why I dont know... I dont lock it...) to put Nick & Sophie's things in. And, as I packed them away, all I could think about was "this is what it all comes to... A box..." I did the same for Alexander. The two boxes are a stone's throw from where I sit now. I go through them and just touch the things... The things that are "theirs" and theirs alone.

I'd love to run away. Surely there is some undiscovered island we can all set up shop on?

Tina said...

I totally get this. I sometimes wish all the sadness and grief would just disappear, but then I know it is just part of having had my girls. Thinking of you and your sweet Elliee. xx

Bluebird said...

Thinking of you honey. I know it's not easy. I have no good words other than to say that we're all here with you and will offer you all the strength and support we possibly can.

Congratulations on 31 weeks.

niobe said...

I think about this (this being taking off and starting all over again), like, All. The. Time.