For some reason - even after a week of a nasty summer cold - I feel like I have a whole new outlook on things.
The last few weeks were really emotional and dark for me - but in a good way. It felt like I was saying good bye all over again.
I re-lived every minute of what happened in my mind. As painful as it was to do that it made me realize all over again that Ellie will never really be gone. She is a part of me, a part of my life and a part of our family. Nothing will change that. It doesn't matter how often I visit her grave or how often I talk about her - she is in my heart and my mind. Her pregnancy, birth, life and death have always been very private things for me. Right or wrong it's just how it is for me. I share things here in the annonimity of the blog world that I would / could never share IRL.
Now - I'm completely in new baby time. This is his time that doesn't have to be shared with all of the sadness and memories of his big sister's pregnancy. I have decided to concentrate on how things will be different this time. If something does go wrong I'll deal with it at that moment. I'm not going to put this pregnancy on hold waiting for the worst to happen. This little guy deserves to be celebrated and welcomed with all of the love and joy and excitement that I've been keeping a lid on for the past 5 months. Now I just need to get "T" on board with this new outlook too.