Wednesday, August 26, 2009

New outlook

For some reason - even after a week of a nasty summer cold - I feel like I have a whole new outlook on things.

The last few weeks were really emotional and dark for me - but in a good way. It felt like I was saying good bye all over again.

I re-lived every minute of what happened in my mind. As painful as it was to do that it made me realize all over again that Ellie will never really be gone. She is a part of me, a part of my life and a part of our family. Nothing will change that. It doesn't matter how often I visit her grave or how often I talk about her - she is in my heart and my mind. Her pregnancy, birth, life and death have always been very private things for me. Right or wrong it's just how it is for me. I share things here in the annonimity of the blog world that I would / could never share IRL.

Now - I'm completely in new baby time. This is his time that doesn't have to be shared with all of the sadness and memories of his big sister's pregnancy. I have decided to concentrate on how things will be different this time. If something does go wrong I'll deal with it at that moment. I'm not going to put this pregnancy on hold waiting for the worst to happen. This little guy deserves to be celebrated and welcomed with all of the love and joy and excitement that I've been keeping a lid on for the past 5 months. Now I just need to get "T" on board with this new outlook too.


Mirne said...

That's the thing about pregnancies ... about new babies. You can't put them on hold. They just happen. And they can't happen without you.

Just Breathe said...

Love this post, love how far you have come and the excitment for your new little son. I will pray for your new outlook to continue.
Take care and God bless.

Bluebird said...

I can't tell you how it thrills me to read this. Mostly because it seems I'm like you - our twins are very private to me, and mostt of the world has no idea about the thoughts and feelings I share on my blog.

I love your new realization that Ellie is always, always with you. And I love your realization of all the wonderful things her little brother deserves.

I'm so proud and happy for you and your new outlook :) Wishing you many peaceful days ahead.

Ya Chun said...

Sounds like a good place to be. Now, I seem to be missing Serenity a lot, feeling the unfairness of i, and worrying over the little bean more than I should. I hope to get to be happy about this one soon - at least now I know it can happen!

I am also private about Serenity, was with the pregnancy, and am with this one so far too.

Tina said...

I think your new oultlet sounds wonderful and inspiring. I agree that your sweet Ellie will never be gone, she lives in you always. xx

Funsize said...

I'm glad you have a new outlook on this pregnancy. I look back on my pregnancy and I absolutely loved it. I loved the foot rubs I got because of the achy feet, I loved feeling the extra hard kicks. I hope you'll love stuff like that too. I hope you have lots of good positives in the next weeks of your pregnancy.


Michele said...

This made me smile... I'm so happy that you are able to remember and enjoy. I think we will always have a duplex of feelings in pregnancy, but our babies each deserve to be loved and cherished for their unique journey.

Big hugs...

AKD said...

Here from LFCA.

I just want you to know that your story is an inspiration. I just lost my little girl to a stillbirth eight weeks ago, and am preparing for a FET in November. Your story and how you're dealing with everything gives others hope. Thank you.