Thank you all for the wonderful comments to Monday's post. It feels wierd to have been so emotional about it (T thought I was way off my rocker) but it really was a very, very emotional day for me. I also want to apologize to everyone for being so terrible about commenting on your blogs. I've been reading - I just seem to have lost the ability to write a comprehensible comment for any of you.
I missed so many things that I wanted to include in my last post. At that moment I just couldn't say anything else.
The day that Ellie was born we had a wonderful nurse. Not just a good nurse - but the best nurse that a family in that situation could ever have asked for. I've never seen her again after that day but I always secretly hope that somehow I run into her this time too. It will probably sound strange - but when we picked a name for Big Boy (yep, we've already got one...) we knew it was the right name immediately because his nickname can be this nurse's name - and we both thought of it at the same time.
Dr. E was really so wonderful too. I could see in her eyes how much she was hurting with us when she came to talk to us about what our choices were. It was her words and her compassion that finally broke through and made us realize that there was no way Ellie would survive. She explained to us that if we had chosen to try and save her we would mostly likely never get to hold her until after she had died. Dr. E is the reason we were able to be there for her life. Sometiem I wonder if we should have done more to try and save her - but deep down I know, no matter how hard it was, what we did was right.
Friday is 24w for this little guy. The day that I hoped and dreamed of getting to with Ellie. Even thought I am overjoyed to be here - it's still so hard. I am filled with guilt that all of the good things that are happening this time didn't happen for Ellie. I'm jealous and sad and angry all at the same time. I don't really tell everyone all of this - just because they all assume that because this pregnancy is going well everything from the past is erased. But it's not - it just seems to have put it all in sharper focus for me. I thought 24w would put my mind at ease, and I guess in some sense it has, but now I'm just left wondering and waiting.