Sunday, October 19, 2008

Where does the time go?

It's been almost 10 months since you were born. 10 months seems like forever.

I have asked myself why so many times in the last 10 months. That more than anything haunts me.

Why did I get pregnant after trying for so long only to have my duaghter taken from me? Why did I get PE? My list of why's goes on forever...

I am still working on learning to accept that there isn't an answer to all of my questions.

I have days that are "good" and I'm thankful for having been able to spend even a short amount of time with my daughter. On those days I can feel the joy that she brought us. Those good days are few and far between. But they are bittersweet. I cry because I can remember how it felt to hold your tiny body. You looked like my grandma. That was the first thing I thought when I saw you. I love to remember the last day - the day after the successful amnioinfusion - when you were really swimming around, kicking and playing. I wish that it hadn't had to end. I wish that I could have given you another 4 months to grow and be healthy.

But then there are days when I am just mad - mad at the world, mad at anyone and anything. Mad at every woman who has ever had a successful, uncomplicated pregnancy. I'm mad a lot more than I'm happy or thankful. Because everything about this just sucks. Why am I less deserving than anyone else? Why did it have to be me?

My therapist has helped me come to accept that there is no good or bad way to feel, no right or wrong. Emotions shouldn't be judged. They are just there with you. Whatever you are feeling is OK. So be mad if that's what you're feeling right now - or sad, or happy or anything. But that's hard. It sets you apart from the rest of the world. How can you chime in and say what you really feel about that "cute" little baby that someone is trying to shove at you?

I'm trying to remember that my duty and responsibility is to ME.

Loosing a child is more than anyone should have to learn to accept.


Sweet Baby Whispers said...

Loosing a child is something no one should have to experience. I too lost my daughter, Alyssa, at 22 weeks due to reasons we don't know. The doctors say possible infection, possible never known reason. I am now pregnant again and terrified and excited. My heart is with you, and I am going to add you to my blog roll so I can keep up with you :)

Michele said...

You summed up how I feel. It's been 9m tomorrow since our son passed away after only an hour with us, and will be 9m on the 16th that his twin sister left us after 5 minutes to join him. You are in my prayers.