Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Measuring up

This past weekend was a completely bittersweet moment. Little man slept the night in his crib for the first time on Saturday. (He didn't sleep through the night - but he did spend his sleep time in his crib.) We've been working towards this for a couple of weeks. So you would think that when it finally happened I would feel like I had actually accomplished something. But instead - I felt so completely sad... I couldn't close my eyes and drift off to sleep knowing that my sweet little guy was just an arm's reach away. Instead I had to rely on hearing him wake up with the monitor. And I never anticipated what a big difference him sleeping in the crib would make to my sleep!! It takes a whole lot more wakefulness to get out of bed, walk down the hall and sit in the rocker to feed him at 3am than it did to roll over scoop him up and get back in bed!!! I guess that's just me being selfish - but I'm just saying... from my perspective it makes a lot more sense to keep him in the bedroom!

The real point of my post is something completely different. This weekend I stepped on the scale and saw a number that I haven't seen since Oct. 2007. Now - you may wonder how I know what I weighed almost 3 years ago. It is exactly what I weighed when we went in for our first OB visit after I found out I was pregnant with Ellie. At the time it was heavier than I had been in a while. But now - it's the least I've weighed since then.

And then it hit me. I don't measure my life in months or years - I measure it by how much I weigh at any given time. My life is measured by the ups and downs of my weight. I guess it had never really occured to me exactly how deeply my eating disordered thinking ran.
  • I weighed xxx when I met T
  • I weighed ### when I turned 30
  • I weighed ** when I was at my sickest
  • I weighed ^^^ when I came home from the hospital after Ellie died
  • I weighed !! when I was 6 years old

I could make you a list that spans all of my school years and on into adulthood.


Leah said...

Sorry you are thinking so much about weight. I didn't realize you had suffered an eating disorder, but I suppose that would make you even more aware of weight issues.

I am proudly at my heaviest ever. I'm trying not to stress about it too much. It will come off. . . eventually. :)

Michele said...

I made a comment about my weight to Peter the other day, and he said "you are so much more than your weight". It really touched me. You, too, dear, are so much more...