Monday, January 18, 2010

All ove the emotional spectrum today...

Where does all the time go? It seems like in the blink of an eye my day is gone.

I go back to the Dr. today for my post delivery check up. I have to make some kind of decision about what birth control method we are going to use. I have no clue... I've spent the last 10 years trying to get pregnant...it seems like exactly the opposite of what I should be doing - but according to them If I got pregnant once it will happen again... So at 38, for the first time in 20 years (yes - really... 20 years), I'm going to start using some form of birth control.
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With Ellie's Day (the 24th) rapidly approching I'm trying to sort everything out in my head. I had a great post started the other day in the car - but by the time I got home it was gone...

I think in general I'm OK with what happened now - mostly peaceful about it... A long time ago I read a blog post where someone reffered to their grief as a comfortable old coat. I guess that's how I feel about things after almost 2 years. I'm beyond the why's and most of the what if's and left with the memories of the few moments we got to spend with our child.

Somedays I wonder if she would have survived if we had tried to save her and other days I know in my heart that we did the right thing letting her live her short life in the comfort of our arms. I don't really think of her growing up or what she would be like now. She will always be the tiny little bundle I held in my arms.

My sister found out yesterday that she is having a girl. I'm very happy for her (you all know how much I love little girls...) but it stung a little bit too. Why does she get to have a little girl and I don't get to have mine? Completely silly - I know - but emotions just don't follow a logical path.

5 comments:

Bluebird said...

Nah, not silly. Even if we're blessed with this baby, and even if there are more to come - if I never have another little girl, I think I'd definitely feel a pang if my sister did. It's just a reminder of what isn't, that's all.

AKD said...

Not silly at all - you have two children, but only get to hold one. You deserve to think about Ellie, talk about her, and miss her as much as you want - even if it may seem weird to others who don't know that loss.

Jen said...

Hugs.

Tina said...

I think your feelings about your sister are normal. You have a great outlook on things and although there may still be some rough moments and you are doing a wonderful job of living in the now and keeping sweet Ellie's memory alive. xx

Michele said...

No, they dont... As BB said, it is a reminder.

Sending love and hugs.