Today should be Ellie's 1st birthday. But instead she's been gone for almost 16 months. There is still and always will be an empty place in our lives.
Who knows if she would have even been born on this date at all.
I wish we had had the chance to find out.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Welcome to this world
Introducing Molly Ann! She was born on 5/12/09. She is the brand new grand daughter of my dear friend and boss. Welcome to this world little one!
Questions...
Happy Friday! A always gets so excited to know it's Friday - brcause she's learned that Friday means Saturday and Sunday come next!
I have a couple of questions that I'm hoping someone out there can help me with...
1. What is the best way to cook and eat Dandelion Greens and Swiss Chard? We got both of these in our veggie share this week and I have no idea what to do with them. I tried to wing it with the beet greens last week - but that didn't turn out very well so I'm hoping that you guys have some good ideas for me. I hate to let them go to waste.
2. When is the best time to prune roses? Ours are out of control tall and really look strange but I don't want to kill them. They are one of the few things that grow in our yard.
I have a couple of questions that I'm hoping someone out there can help me with...
1. What is the best way to cook and eat Dandelion Greens and Swiss Chard? We got both of these in our veggie share this week and I have no idea what to do with them. I tried to wing it with the beet greens last week - but that didn't turn out very well so I'm hoping that you guys have some good ideas for me. I hate to let them go to waste.
2. When is the best time to prune roses? Ours are out of control tall and really look strange but I don't want to kill them. They are one of the few things that grow in our yard.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
9w6d
This week our blurry little blob is measuring right on for our original due date of 12/11/09. The US machine was being difficult today so we didn't get any good pictures but heartbeat was great, placenta looked low - but the US tech said that was normal for this early in a pregnancy, and BP was AWESOME 116/68.
So why don't I feel better yet? I constatnly feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. T is over the moon with excitement. He was all smiles this morning after our appointment. I'm just not there yet I guess. It feel like there are just to many things that can still go wrong. Everyday I wonder if something has happened that I can't feel yet. Did I eat enough protein - did I drink enough water...
Today was a bittersweet appointment. It's kind of a long explanation - sorry... The perinatal clinic that I go to is about 1 hour away at a major teaching hospital - but they have a satellite clinic in our local hospital on Monday's and Thursday's. My MFM has set it up so that I can go for most of my appointments locally. Which is so nice of her to accomodate me like that - but it means that I have to see who ever is at the satellite clinic that day. Not a problem, for the most part. But today was hard. The MFM from my pregnancy with Ellie was there today. Don't get the wrong idea - I love her. I could not have asked for a better Dr to help me through such a horrible situation. When I was laying on the US bed and I heard who the Dr. was I just started to cry. All kinds of hard painful memories came flooding back. She came in and gave me a big hug and said how happy she was to see us again. Everything looked great today for this baby - but I was still lost in the memories of everything that wasn't right the last time. I guess I'm still trying to sort out the ghosts of pregnancies past before I can accept the present.
So why don't I feel better yet? I constatnly feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. T is over the moon with excitement. He was all smiles this morning after our appointment. I'm just not there yet I guess. It feel like there are just to many things that can still go wrong. Everyday I wonder if something has happened that I can't feel yet. Did I eat enough protein - did I drink enough water...
Today was a bittersweet appointment. It's kind of a long explanation - sorry... The perinatal clinic that I go to is about 1 hour away at a major teaching hospital - but they have a satellite clinic in our local hospital on Monday's and Thursday's. My MFM has set it up so that I can go for most of my appointments locally. Which is so nice of her to accomodate me like that - but it means that I have to see who ever is at the satellite clinic that day. Not a problem, for the most part. But today was hard. The MFM from my pregnancy with Ellie was there today. Don't get the wrong idea - I love her. I could not have asked for a better Dr to help me through such a horrible situation. When I was laying on the US bed and I heard who the Dr. was I just started to cry. All kinds of hard painful memories came flooding back. She came in and gave me a big hug and said how happy she was to see us again. Everything looked great today for this baby - but I was still lost in the memories of everything that wasn't right the last time. I guess I'm still trying to sort out the ghosts of pregnancies past before I can accept the present.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Another U/S tomorrow
Don't you just love the beautiful flowers I got for Mother's day. A & T picked them from our back yard. It may look like we have some sort of garden - but really it's just a glorified weed patch that happens to have a few brave flowers that poke their heads up every so often.
It's only Wednesday and already this feel like a long week. I have been so tired in the afternoons that I am pretty much useless after about 2pm. It makes my drive home miserable.Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day
I had a nice Mother's Day (really it was a whole Mother's Day weekend...)
I feel guilty about having a peaceful Mother's Day. Like somehow that makes me cold and heartless because I didn't spend the day in misery, like I miss Ellie less somehow.
Where do all those crazy thought s come from? It's my curse...if there is the possibility of something to worry about I will find it and obsess about it for days.
My Mother's Day started on Friday. With flowers (I wanted to post pictures but no camera today...) from our backyard, yummy stir fry dinner, presents and a cake from A & T.
We got up Sat morning and headed for T's parents for the weekend. We laid around and watched A play outside most of the day. Then we went and got fresh strawberries and I pretty much ate myself SICK!!!! (but they were soooooo good!! :) )
Woke up on Sunday got two more hand made cards from A & T and a bunch of hugs. It was really pretty wonderful.
We went to church with T's parents. (I have and will always have issues going to their church. It was where we held Ellie's funeral.) It was their "Homecoming / Mother's Day/ Memorial Day" Celebration. Didn't really mean much to me until we got there. The entire graveyard was covered in flowers. It was the most beautiful sight. Everyone from the church had brought flowers to be put on the graves. I wish I had had a camera.
The service started off with the choir singing several songs. The last song they sang completely blindsided me. It was "Glad Reunion Day." One of the songs we had chosen to have sung for Ellie's funeral. Completely coincedence, I know, but I completely lost it and had to leave. It was wonderful at the same time. Like she was there to tell me that I was still her mommy and she wanted to be a part of my Mother's Day too. I've included the lyrics...
Glad Reunion Day (I hear it sung by Iris Dement in my head)
There will be a happy meeting in Heaven,
I knowWhen we see the many loved ones we've known here below
Gathered on that blessed hilltop with hearts all aglow
That will be a glad reunion day.
A glad day, a wonderful day,
A glad day, a glorious day
There with all the holy angels and loved ones to stay
That will be a glad reunion day.
When we live a million years in that wonderful place
Basking in the love of Jesus, beholding His face
It will seem but just a moment of praising His grace
That will be a glad reunion day.
A glad day, a wonderful day,
A glad day, a glorious day
There with all the holy angels and loved ones to stay
That will be a glad reunion day.
I'm not a religious person - but more and more I'm trying to understand what exactly I do beleive. Maybe someday I will figure it out. But until then I can find peace and even joy in a simple song that reminds me not only of what I lost - but what I had.
I hope everyone else had a peaceful Mother's Day with out to much pain and sorrow.
I feel guilty about having a peaceful Mother's Day. Like somehow that makes me cold and heartless because I didn't spend the day in misery, like I miss Ellie less somehow.
Where do all those crazy thought s come from? It's my curse...if there is the possibility of something to worry about I will find it and obsess about it for days.
My Mother's Day started on Friday. With flowers (I wanted to post pictures but no camera today...) from our backyard, yummy stir fry dinner, presents and a cake from A & T.
We got up Sat morning and headed for T's parents for the weekend. We laid around and watched A play outside most of the day. Then we went and got fresh strawberries and I pretty much ate myself SICK!!!! (but they were soooooo good!! :) )
Woke up on Sunday got two more hand made cards from A & T and a bunch of hugs. It was really pretty wonderful.
We went to church with T's parents. (I have and will always have issues going to their church. It was where we held Ellie's funeral.) It was their "Homecoming / Mother's Day/ Memorial Day" Celebration. Didn't really mean much to me until we got there. The entire graveyard was covered in flowers. It was the most beautiful sight. Everyone from the church had brought flowers to be put on the graves. I wish I had had a camera.
The service started off with the choir singing several songs. The last song they sang completely blindsided me. It was "Glad Reunion Day." One of the songs we had chosen to have sung for Ellie's funeral. Completely coincedence, I know, but I completely lost it and had to leave. It was wonderful at the same time. Like she was there to tell me that I was still her mommy and she wanted to be a part of my Mother's Day too. I've included the lyrics...
Glad Reunion Day (I hear it sung by Iris Dement in my head)
There will be a happy meeting in Heaven,
I knowWhen we see the many loved ones we've known here below
Gathered on that blessed hilltop with hearts all aglow
That will be a glad reunion day.
A glad day, a wonderful day,
A glad day, a glorious day
There with all the holy angels and loved ones to stay
That will be a glad reunion day.
When we live a million years in that wonderful place
Basking in the love of Jesus, beholding His face
It will seem but just a moment of praising His grace
That will be a glad reunion day.
A glad day, a wonderful day,
A glad day, a glorious day
There with all the holy angels and loved ones to stay
That will be a glad reunion day.
I'm not a religious person - but more and more I'm trying to understand what exactly I do beleive. Maybe someday I will figure it out. But until then I can find peace and even joy in a simple song that reminds me not only of what I lost - but what I had.
I hope everyone else had a peaceful Mother's Day with out to much pain and sorrow.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Seven Pounds
All I can say aobut this movie is WOW!
I had no idea what is was about going into it. Just knew that DH told me most critics hated it.
At the beginning you have no idea what is going on - but slowly as the movie progresses you figure it out.
Have any of you seen it?
I had no idea what is was about going into it. Just knew that DH told me most critics hated it.
At the beginning you have no idea what is going on - but slowly as the movie progresses you figure it out.
Have any of you seen it?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)