I do - I really, really do... everything that I have whined about in the last year - every single wallowing in self pity comment that I have made. I am sorry to every single one of you who have had to put up with me.
Today I am thankful to all of the Dr's and nurses who have helped me in the past year. They all had faith when I didn't. I am thankful to all of you who read this rambling mess of a blog and leave me such kind and supportive comments. And most of all I am thankful for my husband for quietly keeping me going when I thought I couldn't.
Today I am thankful to be pregnant. It's early - and I know all to well how things can go horribly wrong at the drop of a hat. But for today and everyday to come I am overwhelmed with joy.
For all of you that are reading this with a broken heart I am sorry. Please know and understand my heart and my thoughts and my prayers are there with you.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Sorry - It's almost been a week since I've had anything to say... and really I still don't. I'm just existing right now.
I've always been the kindof person who puts her mind to something and somehow, someway I manage to make it happen. But this - I can't make happen.
Somehow after so many wasted years I still get my hopes up everytime only to have to face reality a few weeks later.
I've always been the kindof person who puts her mind to something and somehow, someway I manage to make it happen. But this - I can't make happen.
Somehow after so many wasted years I still get my hopes up everytime only to have to face reality a few weeks later.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Under the Tree - march edition
If you are a baby lost mama and have not read yet about Under the tree you can do so here.
Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?
We have all of Ellie's things in a basket in our bedroom - it's full to overflowing with all of the cards and letters we got from friends and family after she died. We also have a small box that we got at the hospital. We keep a few precious mementos in there too. It sits on the cabinet in the living room. We don't really have any rituals - but we do have a candle that we light on special days that we want Ellie to be there with us.
If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their pressence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?
I had one very vivid dream about Ellie. At the end of that dream I was able to look in her eyes -something I always wished I had been able to do while she was alive. It felt like she was there telling me that it was going to be OK.
Amelia has a very clear view of Ellie in heaven with our dog Zoe. She sees them there together.
Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?
Music is a big part of our lives, especially for my husband. He made a point of having music playing for Ellie when she was born and the whole time she was alive. We listened to all of the songs from Iris Dement's Lifeline CD the day/night that Ellie was born. Those songs will always be special to me.
I've actually written two different posts about Ellie's music.
The first one was sbout the music we chose for her funeral. Several of the songs were from the Lifeline CD by Iris Dement. The others were sung by a member of the curch. A man with a beautiful voice who we later found out had lost several children himself. He and his wife battled IF all of their lives and never were able to have children.
The second one was about the imix that my husband made for me. He chose songs that represent each stage of our pregnancy and Ellie's life. He started writing down why he chose each song but he never finished. I hope someday he will. Even while I am typing this I can hear the songs in my head and tears are coming to my eyes.
Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?
We have all of Ellie's things in a basket in our bedroom - it's full to overflowing with all of the cards and letters we got from friends and family after she died. We also have a small box that we got at the hospital. We keep a few precious mementos in there too. It sits on the cabinet in the living room. We don't really have any rituals - but we do have a candle that we light on special days that we want Ellie to be there with us.
If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their pressence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?
I had one very vivid dream about Ellie. At the end of that dream I was able to look in her eyes -something I always wished I had been able to do while she was alive. It felt like she was there telling me that it was going to be OK.
Amelia has a very clear view of Ellie in heaven with our dog Zoe. She sees them there together.
Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?
Music is a big part of our lives, especially for my husband. He made a point of having music playing for Ellie when she was born and the whole time she was alive. We listened to all of the songs from Iris Dement's Lifeline CD the day/night that Ellie was born. Those songs will always be special to me.
I've actually written two different posts about Ellie's music.
The first one was sbout the music we chose for her funeral. Several of the songs were from the Lifeline CD by Iris Dement. The others were sung by a member of the curch. A man with a beautiful voice who we later found out had lost several children himself. He and his wife battled IF all of their lives and never were able to have children.
The second one was about the imix that my husband made for me. He chose songs that represent each stage of our pregnancy and Ellie's life. He started writing down why he chose each song but he never finished. I hope someday he will. Even while I am typing this I can hear the songs in my head and tears are coming to my eyes.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Secret of Saying Thanks by Douglas Wood
This is a little exert from one of the books that Amelia picked out at the Library this weekend. It is a beautiful book about appreciating everything in nature and at home that surrounds you every day.
This is from the last two pages.
The heart that gives thanks is a happy one,
for we cannot feel thankful and unhappy at the same time.
The more we say thanks, the more we find to be thankful for.
And the more we find to be thankful for, the happier we become.
We don't give thanks because we're happy.
We are happy because we give thanks.
This is from the last two pages.
The heart that gives thanks is a happy one,
for we cannot feel thankful and unhappy at the same time.
The more we say thanks, the more we find to be thankful for.
And the more we find to be thankful for, the happier we become.
We don't give thanks because we're happy.
We are happy because we give thanks.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Happy birthday to my sister Tina!
My younger (but not the youngest...) sister turns 32 today! Happy Birthday!!!
Here's us as kids...
And here she is today with her two daughters and Amelia.
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Here's us as kids...
And here she is today with her two daughters and Amelia..JPG)
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
"Work" me...
Ok - not to give you the wrong idea... I did NOT design the sofa - just the fabrics used on it...
And actually - this group was a team effort. I did the floral, and each of the other patterns was designed by another member of our design team. We are all pretty proud of this group. It was introduced to our customers in December and looks like it is going to be a BIG hit.
I won't bore you with anymore details - but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE what I do and am so very lucky to be able to have a career and work environment that means so much to me.
I'll try to find some more pictures.. I know I've got several others that are much more interesting...
And if - any of you see any Ashley furniture ads on TV - you've most likely seen some of the designs I've done too.
And actually - this group was a team effort. I did the floral, and each of the other patterns was designed by another member of our design team. We are all pretty proud of this group. It was introduced to our customers in December and looks like it is going to be a BIG hit.
I won't bore you with anymore details - but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE what I do and am so very lucky to be able to have a career and work environment that means so much to me.
I'll try to find some more pictures.. I know I've got several others that are much more interesting...
And if - any of you see any Ashley furniture ads on TV - you've most likely seen some of the designs I've done too.
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