Thank you all for the wonderful comments to Monday's post. It feels wierd to have been so emotional about it (T thought I was way off my rocker) but it really was a very, very emotional day for me. I also want to apologize to everyone for being so terrible about commenting on your blogs. I've been reading - I just seem to have lost the ability to write a comprehensible comment for any of you.
I missed so many things that I wanted to include in my last post. At that moment I just couldn't say anything else.
The day that Ellie was born we had a wonderful nurse. Not just a good nurse - but the best nurse that a family in that situation could ever have asked for. I've never seen her again after that day but I always secretly hope that somehow I run into her this time too. It will probably sound strange - but when we picked a name for Big Boy (yep, we've already got one...) we knew it was the right name immediately because his nickname can be this nurse's name - and we both thought of it at the same time.
Dr. E was really so wonderful too. I could see in her eyes how much she was hurting with us when she came to talk to us about what our choices were. It was her words and her compassion that finally broke through and made us realize that there was no way Ellie would survive. She explained to us that if we had chosen to try and save her we would mostly likely never get to hold her until after she had died. Dr. E is the reason we were able to be there for her life. Sometiem I wonder if we should have done more to try and save her - but deep down I know, no matter how hard it was, what we did was right.
Friday is 24w for this little guy. The day that I hoped and dreamed of getting to with Ellie. Even thought I am overjoyed to be here - it's still so hard. I am filled with guilt that all of the good things that are happening this time didn't happen for Ellie. I'm jealous and sad and angry all at the same time. I don't really tell everyone all of this - just because they all assume that because this pregnancy is going well everything from the past is erased. But it's not - it just seems to have put it all in sharper focus for me. I thought 24w would put my mind at ease, and I guess in some sense it has, but now I'm just left wondering and waiting.
5 comments:
I thought 24w would bring me comfort too. It has made it easier to breathe a little but the fear is still there. And, like you, I still feel guilty about not being able to get our other babies to that line of viability. You give voice to what so many of us feel and think. I try to remember that, for each moment with them, I was blessed (and still am) and that I cant let anything- guilt or otherwise- mar that in any way. But it is still so hard.
Thinking of you today...
It makes sense that you'd think 24 weeks would be comfort. But, I've read soooo many babyloss moms talk about the exact feelings you describe here. As unexpected as it is, I think it does make sense.
Although I hope and pray with all my might that I can get to viability with this one - the thought of it terrifies me. It's everything I could never do for our twins.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. Remembering Eliie with you, and holding this new little one in my thoughts.
(HUGS) Praying for you.
One of my biggest fears should I one day, hopefully, become pregnant again is that others will choose to see that new blessing as the happy ending to a sad movie. I know I'll be so happy with another pregnancy and another baby. But fearful too. Most importantly, E will always be with me. A 'happy ending' doesn't erase her from my mind.
I am grateful that you were able to hold Ellie, feel her and smell her.
Peace.
Hey, thanks for being so honest and sharing those memories with us. I cried a little for you. I totally get the powerful emotions on different ends of the spectrum. It makes such perfect sense to me.
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