This is Ellie at 23w1d. We had just had a successful amnioinfusion. It doesn't really look like much. I have such a clear image in my mind of her gulping down fluid immediately following the injection. They had the ultrasound on during the procedure so they could make sure they weren't injecting into her so we got to watch the fluid fill in around her. It was really wonderful. We saw her swallow and then almost immediately I felt her start to move around.
Our happiness was short lived though. Not more than 15 minutes after this a nurse came into take my BP and noticed that it was very, very high. (sorry - I was so overjoyed and consumed with the thought that our baby was going to live that I paid very little attention to the nurse so I have no clue how high it actually was...) So we went to L&D still on cloud nine - just thinking they needed to run some other test. The nurse in L&D immediately put in an IV and we realized all was not well. They gave me a mega dose of Labetelol and started Magnesium.
Then the Dr. came in and said everything that had been going wrong during this pregnancy was caused by PE. They just hadn't realized it until now. It wasn't until the next day when they told me they were going to induce labor that it really hit me. Really - it was even later than that. When they told us they were going to induce me we both just assumed that Ellie would be a micro preemie. We both still believed that she would pull through. All of my Dr's already knew she wouldn't. Slowly they all began a campaign to open our eyes to this reality. I should have realized something when they came in the first night an took off the fetal monitor, but I was oblivious. It wasn't until the next day that reality came crashing down on us.
7 comments:
Her ultrasound pic is so cute- I'm sure she was beautiful when you saw her.
I was the same way as you- even after I heard my son's low heartbeat, I still thought everything was going to be okay. I thought the doctors wouldn't fail me. I had no idea...
Thinking of you
xoxo
I remember the moment, with startling clarity, when I realized that in 2007, women and children still died in childbirth, in North America.
Remembering with you. Remembering Ellie, and celebrating this new life, and the difference.
And wishing that Ellie was with you.
I thought the doctors were wrong when they told me that Freyja's heart had stopped. I thought she would be alive when she was born. I was absolutely convinced they'd got it wrong.
I love seeing the images you share of your beautiful little girl... I know those feelings of "oblivious" that you speak of. Because you just KNOW that your little one will pull through... Because the worst cant happen... Because it is too much to even think of.
I cried reading your post, both for how you must have felt and how it made me remember. But remembering is good too. I never want to forget, even the painful things.
Sending you lots of hugs...
Shi is so precious. I am so sorry she is not here with you.
I so remember the exact same feelings. In fact, I spent most of the day yesterday in tears, as I worked on a a blurb of "our story" for the Preeclampsia Foundation. I wrote about the MFM coming in, and telling me that I had HELLP Syndrome and that it was very bad. I remember him saying that the only way to "cure" it was delivery. . . I actually looked at him calmly and chuckled, and was like, "Well that's no good!" I thought he meant *eventually* and that we'd have a preemie. But that everything would be okay. It took several hours before I really understood what he was saying. . .
So sorry Ellie's not here with you now.
Oh my god. They took off the fetal monitor. That really hit me. I am so sorry. So sorry.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Peace.
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