Under the Tree - march edition

If you are a baby lost mama and have not read yet about Under the tree you can do so here.

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

We have all of Ellie's things in a basket in our bedroom - it's full to overflowing with all of the cards and letters we got from friends and family after she died. We also have a small box that we got at the hospital. We keep a few precious mementos in there too. It sits on the cabinet in the living room. We don't really have any rituals - but we do have a candle that we light on special days that we want Ellie to be there with us.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their pressence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I had one very vivid dream about Ellie. At the end of that dream I was able to look in her eyes -something I always wished I had been able to do while she was alive. It felt like she was there telling me that it was going to be OK.

Amelia has a very clear view of Ellie in heaven with our dog Zoe. She sees them there together.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

Music is a big part of our lives, especially for my husband. He made a point of having music playing for Ellie when she was born and the whole time she was alive. We listened to all of the songs from Iris Dement's Lifeline CD the day/night that Ellie was born. Those songs will always be special to me.

I've actually written two different posts about Ellie's music.

The first one was sbout the music we chose for her funeral. Several of the songs were from the Lifeline CD by Iris Dement. The others were sung by a member of the curch. A man with a beautiful voice who we later found out had lost several children himself. He and his wife battled IF all of their lives and never were able to have children.

The second one was about the imix that my husband made for me. He chose songs that represent each stage of our pregnancy and Ellie's life. He started writing down why he chose each song but he never finished. I hope someday he will. Even while I am typing this I can hear the songs in my head and tears are coming to my eyes.

The Secret of Saying Thanks by Douglas Wood

This is a little exert from one of the books that Amelia picked out at the Library this weekend. It is a beautiful book about appreciating everything in nature and at home that surrounds you every day.

This is from the last two pages.

The heart that gives thanks is a happy one,
for we cannot feel thankful and unhappy at the same time.
The more we say thanks, the more we find to be thankful for.
And the more we find to be thankful for, the happier we become.
We don't give thanks because we're happy.
We are happy because we give thanks.

Happy birthday to my sister Tina!

My younger (but not the youngest...) sister turns 32 today! Happy Birthday!!!

Here's us as kids...
And here she is today with her two daughters and Amelia.

Today I am thankful for laughter in the morning. It's the greatest way to start a day.

"Work" me...

Ok - not to give you the wrong idea... I did NOT design the sofa - just the fabrics used on it...


And actually - this group was a team effort. I did the floral, and each of the other patterns was designed by another member of our design team. We are all pretty proud of this group. It was introduced to our customers in December and looks like it is going to be a BIG hit.

I won't bore you with anymore details - but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE what I do and am so very lucky to be able to have a career and work environment that means so much to me.

I'll try to find some more pictures.. I know I've got several others that are much more interesting...

And if - any of you see any Ashley furniture ads on TV - you've most likely seen some of the designs I've done too.

A bright spot in an otherwise crappy day...

Sorry for the entirely terrible scan - but the camera is nowhere to be found at the moment...

It just doesn't do this yarn justice. It's not the colors that I expected when I ordered it but it is the most beautiful knitting yarn I have come across in a long time. I ordered it from a book that I found at a new local craft gallery. It's called Lumpy Bumpy and is made by Farmhouse Yarns
I'm glad that I made myself go pick them up instead of letting them sit at the store waiting for me for another week...

The crappy part of my day... our inject IUI cycle that used up the last of my meds from IVF is a COMPLETE bust. It looks like I ovulated yesterday - 4 days ahead of schedule... How in the world did I end up with such bad Karma?

And yes - I will post some of my fabric pictures here for you all to see... thanks for asking!

Today I am thankful for having a job that I love and wonderful people to work with.

(and in case you were wondering... I design fabric for a living. Sadly it's an industry that is disappearing.)

Thankful

Today I'm thankful for a beautiful blue sky and the wonderful people in my life who I share it with.

Pictures

Do you ever look at the pictures of your child?

I do.

I love to look at the pictures we have of Ellie.

I wish we had more.

I wish I had a picture for every minute that she was alive.

But I don't. So I wear out the ones that we do have.

Yes - they make me cry. But it's a good kind of tears these days. I think I have over come the raw pain that once was there. There's still pain in my heart and tears for what should have been.

Now I look at the pictures and see how beautiful she was. I swear she looks just like my grandmother. Hard to imagine I know - but to me she does. (I think it's all about the nose...)

They are my private joy.

I can see in the pictures the moments that she was there with us and when she wasn't anymore.

Now my pictures help me remember how much love there was in that barren little hospital room.

Knitting fool

OK - I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had started knitting again. I've never been a particularly avid knitter but lately I don't want to do anything else...

At first I was going to make everyone in my family hats and scarves for Christmas next year. I still will (I think...) but then I really started thinking about it - everyone I know already has plenty of hats and scarves and I really want to use all of this pent up knitting energy to do something for someone else. Soooo... everything I'm currently knitting is going to be donated to the women's shelter in our town. It's already spring here so I'm going to wait until next fall to actually give them the items. But I'm stockpiling hats and scarves for women and children who deserve to have something nice and warm knit just for them.

I have also found the group that makes and donates items to the NICU at the hospital where Ellie was born. We were given a box with a blanket, a bib and a tiny little dress when Ellie was born. We still have all of the mementos in that box. If there is anything I can do to make someone else's journey at little less painful I will try to do it.

And one more... There is a group in my area that makes and donates quilts to children in Guatemala. Amelia was adopted from Guatemala in 2005. I want to make at least one blanket to send. It can be knit or quilted - but it needs to have a heart motif. Anyone know of any good knitting patterns for a blanket with a heart motif?

I've always wanted to do something useful with my hobbies I just never got up the energy to do something about it. So now that I have told the world of my plans I can't just pretend that I never thought about it. I promise to post pictures of my progress with various projects as I am working on them.

Something to think about

A few days ago Mrs. Spit published a post that I just can't get out of my head.


I had to make a similar decision - my life or my daughter's. It took two days in the hospital for my husband and I to realize that was our only choice. We never really thought that letting a baby die was an acceptable pregnancy outcome. But - I was pregnant and being pregnant was killing me. So I signed the papers and agreed to deliver my daughter knowing that she had no chance to survive.


I hadn't ever thought about it in terms of abortion until about 6 months later when I heard some news report. And then it dawned on me... I was one of those terribly maligned mothers... I had chosen to end my child's life in favor of saving my own. Beleive me I have beat myself up everyday because I couldn't save my daughter - but to know that someone out there who had no idea who I was hated me because of that was really shocking.


I don't want to get embroiled in a debate about what's right and what's wrong. I just know that everyone should be given the respect that they deserve as people whether you agree with their decisions or not. What is right for you may not be what is right for someone else. And for that very reason I have always supported a woman's right to choose. What I would or would not do has nothing to do with what you would or would not be willing to do in any given situaion.

But really - what I wanted to say more than anything is THANK YOU! Mrs. Spit for touching on a subject that has become so politically charged we forget that there are real people involved.

Options

OK - I know I've already asked this question but now I have some real options to consider...

I have spoken to several MFMs and there is no issue with me getting pregnat again. The specialist that I have seen several times now thinks that my PE was caused by APS (a blood clotting disorder) so I will be on Lovenox for the duration of any future pregnancy. And my BP is under control and I will stay on BP meds until we decided not to pursue another pregnancy.

The big problem seems to be me actually being able to get pregnant again. Which given my history is no suprise

Option #1 - No medical assistance. I'm not considering this one very seriously because in the 18 years I've been off of birth control I've only gotten pregnant once this way. So I'm just not thinking the odds are good...

Option #2 - Injectible IUI cycle with a cost of $500. This one has been the front runner in my mind so far, but I'm not really sure why. It seems like a less stress filled and emotional option. But the odds of getting pregnant this way aren't that much better than option #1. So possibly a complete waste of money and I use up all of the meds that I had left from IVF.

Option # 3 - FET with a cost of $1700.. This one should be the front runner but for some reason it scares me to DEATH! We have two frozen embryos left from our IVF cycle in September. But for some reason everytime I think of doing the FET it feel slike I am dooming these two possible babies to certain death. I have even considered donating them (but I know I never could...). The IVF didn't work and I really don't have a great feeling about the FET. But according to my new RE I should never have done IVF with the size of the septum that was left after the first surgery.

Option #4 - not well thought out yet, it just came to me last night in bed... Do I ask one of my sisters to be an egg donor?

I just need to pick one and get it over with. It's just one of those decisions that doesn't seem to have a good final answer - and I really hate that...