January 9th, 2008 my life began to unravel. That is the day that we first learned something was wrong with me. We went in for a normal ultrasound and found out that my amniotic fluid was extremely low. My beautiful little girl was doing just fine though. Her heart beat was still strong. So we went home worried and scared but hopeful that a week of bed rest and extra fluids would make everything OK again. Not once was the possiblilty of Preeclampsia mentioned.

How can I miss something that I never had? But I do - and so do Truett & Amelia. It may seem strange but Truett's christmas candle for Ellie has turned into a nightly thing now. Every night for dinner Amelia asks to light Ellie's candle and we do. For a short time each day she is there with us.

Ellie was never really "here" with us, but there is still a gaping hole in our family. We have learned how to navigate around that hole and aviod the edge so we don't accidentaly slide off into the abyss. But there is always that thing - that one thought that sweeps you up and won't let you forget.

Here are some things that have caught me off guard recently...

• My husband playing the Robert Plant / Allison Krauss album as dinner music and me remebering that the last time I heard it I was listening to it on my ipod while Dr. E did the first failed amnioinfusion to try and save Ellie's life.
• Pulling out the socks I was wearing when we unknowingly got admitted to the hospital days before delivering Ellie. I remember because the nurse commented on them. I will never wear them again - but I will never throw them away either.
• Having to tell an old friend who has been out of touch about Ellie after she noticed a picture of Ellie on our wall. No one else mentions Ellie any more so I forget how fresh and raw my emotions still are after a year has already passed.