Bye Bye Septum

I had my second surgery yesterday. Everything went smoothly and even happened a little ahead of schedule. I was out of surgery by 12:30 and home by 2:30.

And as of right now - the pain is no worse than a really crampy period. I think I actually felt worse after the IVF retreival. After my first surgery to remove the septum last April I was out of it for a week and then had a scary bleeding inccident (Let's hope that doesn't happen again...).

Hopefully this means that the septum is completely gone. I have thirty days of Estrogen pills and then we can take another look to see if it really is gone.

At this point I have a hard time thinking that it really will be - my body seems to be about as uncooperative as they came - and I'm certainly not getting any younger in the process.

Thank you to Carly and Sam Dudley from the 'Names In The Sand' blog for the beautiful birthday picture for Ellie.

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/01/eleanor-jesi-morrison.html

Ellie's Songs

These are the songs we chose for Ellie's funeral.

Blessed Assurance
I Don't Want To Get Adjusted (To This World)
Glad Reunion Day
I'll Fly Away
Further Along

For the short time she was alive we listened to Lifeline by Iris Dement. Most of the songs for the funeral were chosen from that album. If you have never heard Iris Dement sing you should look her up on iTunes. Her voice is hauntingly beautiful. I haven't listened to any of this music in a year until this past weekend. As Truett said - "It's time to free this music"

Happy Birthday Ellie

At 6:52pm on January 24th, 2008 Eleanor Jesi Morrison came into this world.

At 9:00pm she left it.

Happy Birthday sweet angel.

We all love you deeply and wish you could be here with us. You will live in our hearts forever.

a pair of socks

Right now the only connection I have left to being pregnant is a pair of socks. It's silly but I wore them today just because they were the last thing I was still wearing while Ellie was alive. I pulled them out to wear a few months ago but I couldn't wear them then. Today they are a comfort. There is nothing special about these socks - other than they happened to be on my feet January 22, 2008.

On January 22nd, 2008 I was filled with hope and happiness. We had had a successful amnioinfusion. And because our lives had yet to be touched by tragedy T & I thought that we could go home and celebrate.

No such luck...

I was admitted to L&D because my BP had skyrocketed and finally everyone knew the cause of the anhydramnios and IUGR.... PREECLAMPSIA...

At this point we still had high hopes that Ellie would survive.

The following 48 hours would change us forever.

A moment of our life

Here is the imix that Truett made for me... I love to listen to it - but I can't make it through with out crying. I wanted to share it because he really did capture each stage perfectly.
(I'd love to post the actual songs - but I have no clue how to do it...can anyone help?)

1. Black Horse and the Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall
2. Station - Meat Puppets
3. Suddenly I See - Kt Tunstall
4. Moondance - Van Morrison
5. Our House - Madness
6. Promises Broken - Soul Asylum
7. 7 - Prince
8. Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
9. Jesus, Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood
10. Higher Love - Steve Winwood
11. Wonderwall - Oasis
12. Beautiful - Smashing Pumpkins
13. Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
14. No Memory - Stone Temple Pilots
15. Last Kiss - Pearl Jam
16. Homesick - Soul Asylum
17. Always with Me, Always with You - Joe Satriani
18. Walk Like a Man - Bruce Springsteen
19. Carry on Wayward Son - Kansas
20. High on a Mountain Top - Loretta Lynn
21. Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton

This week feels like a blur... there are so many things to take care of.

Ellie's birthday is on the 24th and then Amelia's is on the 29th. Poor thing had a crappy birthday last year and probably will have another one this year. Her birthday was the day after Ellie's funeral and I was still very sick at the time. I don't even remember what she got for her birthday...

I was supposed to have surgery on the 15th but had to reschedule. The new surgery date? The 29th, Amelia's birthday. If I don't do it then I have to wait until March. So, Truett is not very happy with me but I went ahead and said schedule it for the 29th. I am sick of waiting and waiting.

I wanted to go away to the beach for Ellie's birthday - but that isn't going to work out either. Some days Truett and I are on the same page and some days we aren't. Lately I'm wondering if we're even in the same book. So we are staying home.

I was going to call the florist and ask them to put flowers on Ellie's grave for me. I would love to drive up there on her birthday - but that would also involve visiting my in-laws. Yes - they are wonderful people and I love to spend time with them - just not on that particular day.

Is it strange that I don't feel the need to be there at her grave on that particular day? I wonder if it is. I like to go there sometimes - but for me that's not where she really is. She lives in my heart. She is always there with me.

My husband's point of view...

I got mad at God yesterday.

My baby girl, Eleanor Jesi, died in my arms on January 24, 2008. Why the long pause? It wasn’t a pause. It was life ticking by, one heartbreaking second at a time. On January 22, 2008 my wife and I walked into a room at D*** Hospital for what we thought would be some more tests. We didn’t walk out of there until three days later… alone.

We didn’t know we were there for more than another test until ten to seven when the nurse said “I’ll be leaving in a few minutes, but the night nurse will take good care of you.”

At this point I said “Have we been admitted?”

There was some apologizing for the lack of communication and then we were left alone. Left alone to go into the most serious moment of our lives.

We had just left the clinic building high on the experience of a successful amnioinfusion. As we were leaving, a nurse said, “Your blood pressure is very high, we’re concerned. I’ll send the information over to Dr. ???? Go over there to the other building to see her before you leave”.

I remember the two of us walking through the underground hallway between the two buildings. We were so happy because we had just had a successful amnioinfusion. It was a surprise blessing! We had asked for one a few days earlier but it didn’t work and we thought we couldn’t try again. But it happened and it gave us so much hope. She felt our baby kicking and moving around and just damn happy to be in some fluid for the first time in days. We were laughing and joking with each other on the walk through that corridor. Things were looking to be OK, like they always are.

Things were never OK again.

We walked into that room expecting a more extensive blood pressure test or something before we could finally go home full of hope.

We didn’t leave that room until our daughter had been named, prayed for, born, serenaded and died.

Walking out of the front doors of the hospital on a sunny, beautiful January morning with my bruised and beaten wife and without a child was the lowest feeling I will ever experience.

I don’t care what happens to me from here on out, nothing will hurt more than that.

Somehow this and the week that followed were the high points.

It just keeps getting harder.

I check the mail every day, because I don’t want my wife to have to find the coupons for diapers and what not.

Life is a mess, but we still love each other. That’s amazing.

I just re-read my last post and I need to apologize to my very wonderful and caring perinatologist - Dr. E. She really was the best possible person to have handled our case.

One year ago today - we battled an icey snow storm to drive an hour to get to the hospital where we were meeting with a perinatologist for the very first time. They told me there that because I was only 22 weeks there wasn't much they could do. They wouldn't admit me to the hospital until I passed the 24 week mark. Oh - and by the way - my amniotic fluid levels had dropped from dangerously low to non-existant... So please, go home, lay in bed, rest and obsess about the fact that we have no clue what is happening with your body or your baby. And again - no mention of preeclampsia or a blood pressure check.

One year ago tomorrow, January 13th, 2008, I was told that my daughter would probably die. I called my Mom and asked her to come stay with us. Still hoping for the best but fearing for the worst. Still no mention of possible preeclampsia.

January 9th, 2008 my life began to unravel. That is the day that we first learned something was wrong with me. We went in for a normal ultrasound and found out that my amniotic fluid was extremely low. My beautiful little girl was doing just fine though. Her heart beat was still strong. So we went home worried and scared but hopeful that a week of bed rest and extra fluids would make everything OK again. Not once was the possiblilty of Preeclampsia mentioned.

How can I miss something that I never had? But I do - and so do Truett & Amelia. It may seem strange but Truett's christmas candle for Ellie has turned into a nightly thing now. Every night for dinner Amelia asks to light Ellie's candle and we do. For a short time each day she is there with us.

Ellie was never really "here" with us, but there is still a gaping hole in our family. We have learned how to navigate around that hole and aviod the edge so we don't accidentaly slide off into the abyss. But there is always that thing - that one thought that sweeps you up and won't let you forget.

Here are some things that have caught me off guard recently...

• My husband playing the Robert Plant / Allison Krauss album as dinner music and me remebering that the last time I heard it I was listening to it on my ipod while Dr. E did the first failed amnioinfusion to try and save Ellie's life.
• Pulling out the socks I was wearing when we unknowingly got admitted to the hospital days before delivering Ellie. I remember because the nurse commented on them. I will never wear them again - but I will never throw them away either.
• Having to tell an old friend who has been out of touch about Ellie after she noticed a picture of Ellie on our wall. No one else mentions Ellie any more so I forget how fresh and raw my emotions still are after a year has already passed.