Memories

It hit me today... during my pregnancy with Ellie I was already on bedrest at this point. Full of the knowledge that something was seriously wrong with my little girl but no answers on how to fix it.

(sorry... I'm sure you've all read previous versions of this story every time I dredge it up...but it's my blog and I'll rehash it again if I feel like making myself miserabel for a few minutes...)

My PE saga didn't start with elevated BP's or protein in my urine. It started with a simple routine ultrasound where we saw my sweet little girl who just a few weeks before was perfect in everyway (the Dr's words - not even mine) with virtually no fluid to protect her from being sqaushed by my body. At that appointment I was told by the ultrasound technician, not even a Dr. that I must have done something to cause my water to break and would likely get an infection and the baby would die in the next few days. (horrible care, I know...) I knew my water hadn't broken...I would have noticed that - but somehow no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I was in to much shock to even think about anything. The Dr didn't even come in to see me that day. Just told the nurse to send me home and tell I should drink lots of water. They did make me an appointment for the following Monday to see my now beloved MFM - Dr. J.

I saw Dr. J at a satellite clinic in the town where I live the following Monday. Ellie was still hanging in there but the fluid levels had dropped even further. As of this point there was no measurable amniotic fluid protecting Ellie. Dr. J was convinced that there was a problem with her kidneys - but they spent at least 2 hours studying them on the ultrasound and could not find a single thing wrong with her kidneys - or anything else. She was still perfect - but somehow I was not.

Ugh... I can't go any further today. Just reliving all of that is hard enough. But that was then and this is now...

Ellie would be 18 months old already... walking around, starting to talk, playing in the pool...daydreaming is a dangerous thing for all of us isn't it...

Awesome Ultrasound!!!

Everything was exactly as it should be at today's ultrasound!!! Little man was right on track for growth, fluid levels were right on target and blood flow looked great. One more HUGE sigh of relief...


Yes - those are his legs up over his head... this one reminds me of that old 70's exercise you used to always see people doing...

The 3D pictures always freak me out a little bit - but I think it's kind of cool how you can see the bones underneath the skin.

Home

There are some things I really love about where we live. It's so easy to forget the good things when I'm constantly focused on being prepared for the next crisis.

We live on a road that originally belonged to one family. I think it is kind of a sweet thing - he was a farmer with three daughters. When each of his daughters go married he gave them a portion of the land to start their own families. In turn each of the daughters gave their children some of the land. Here and there a few of the children have left the area and opened up the road to others - but mostly, it's still family. T & I bought the first non-family house that was built on this road. We live at the far end of the road on a small plot of what used to be farmland that wasn't owned by the original family.

We are surrounded by cow pastures and rarely see much drive by except for tractors. YaYa thinks of the cows as hers and tries to feed them flowers or sticks through the fence (not much interest...). We love to watch the babies after they are born and as they grow. (Who knew a baby cow could be so darn cute??).

If you would have asked me 20 (or even 10) years ago what my ideal place to live was I would have instantly said NYC (or some other large metropolitan area). But here I am - mostly content to spend my weekends watching our dog chase rabbits in the yard and splash around in a blow up wading pool with YaYa. I miss the constant alive-ness of a city but I was and would be a completely different person in that environment.

Guilt

Why is there so much guilt being spread around?

Guilt that you did something wrong and contributed to your child's death...
Guilt that you aren't the same person you used to be...
Guilt about making everyone around you uncomfortable with your grief...
Guilt that your experience wasn't as horrific as someone else's...
Guilt about not being a good enough parent to your other children...
Guilt about wanting another child...
Guilt about your anger...
Guilt about actually being lucky enough to get pregnant again...

I'm just tired of feeling apologetic about my emotional state. I realize that nothing about me is "right" anymore. I just don't know how else to be anymore. I know I'm hard to deal with and I can't "handle" things the way I used to. But this is me... the me that I am now... It's all there is...

20w

Today is a HUGE milestone for me and the little squirrel - 20w. I'm gigantic and he's still squirmy! At this point that's the best news I can have. We don't have an ultrasound until next Tuesday but it just feels different in a better kind of way this time around. I guess I'm finally beginning to realize that maybe we can have a better outcome than we did before.

Busy week

It's been a little bit of a busy week here...

We had YaYa's baptism on Sunday. My parents, sister and her husband drove down from WI to celebrate with us. (really they were planning to come anyway - so we scheduled the baptism to correspond with their visit) They don't come very often - so we had a great time while they were here.

YaYa and uncle Nathan had fun swimming together at the hotel (and the rest of us too - but Nate was her favorite this trip)

Then after they left on Tuesday I got slammed at work. We had a major deadline coming up on August 8th. Completely not ready for it at this point...

Plus I had to change offices (my back is killing em tonight and I didn't even do that much!) - I had to leave my quite corner cubicle for an "official" office that is right in the lane of traffic. It's going to take some getting used to - now everyone stops for a chat as they walk by... I used to be able to hide out in my office and no one would even know I was there!

Not much else new going on here - except for the horrible dreams I've been having lately. Not specifically nightmares - but pretty close. Most nights I wake up in a panic because in my dreams I can't breath - not matter what I do I can't seem to get any air into my lungs. It is a horrible feeling and then I wake up. I keep meaning to look up what this could mean but I'm not sure I really want to know. And then a few days ago - I had a dream about a wedding. According to my Grams if you dream of a wedding someone is going to die. Superstitious - I know - but it has held true for me over the years...

Blah, Blah, Blah... I tend to babble on and on don't I!

Happy Blogoversary to me!!!

Better late then never!!

Things were so busy yesterday I forgot to post a special Happy Blogoversary to me!!

I think I've come a long way since last year!