A few more work pictures

A little of this and a little of that...

I hope everyone had a happy Easter!

We spent the weekend with Truett's parents. Overall it was good. Nothing big or exciting just a good weekend with family.

We went to visit Ellie's grave on Sunday with Amelia. Sometimes she wants to go other times she doesn't. But today she did. When we got there we found that several people had left flowers for Ellie on Easter. Truett's parents, his aunt and his grandmother all left pretty spring arrangements for her. That was so amazing to drive up and see all those flowers at her little grave.

I started my Lovenox shots last week and already my stomach looks like a funky science experiment. Mostly I've done great and gotten very little bruising - but then there are the places that just are plain BAD! I've never in my life until now wished that I had a bigger belly!! But if I keep making the big bruises I'm going to run out of room before 9 months is up! (not complaining about it as long as it gets me through this pregnancy!!!) I went back for my first blood check today.

I'm thinking about changing the title of my blog - but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it or not. Same with adding a little ticker thing. If something were to happen with this pregnancy it would be one of those horrible reminds that I'd just have to go back and get rid of. Just not ready for anything big yet -but there's not much else I think about either...

I've been thinking a lot about when to tell people about the pregnancy. I know I don't want to do it anytime soon - but there are a couple of situations where I should tell someone but I just don't know if I feel comfortable doing that or not. In some ways I would love to tell them now because i know everyone would be so excited - but in other ways I would love to wait until the baby is born so I don't have to carry everyone else's worry along with my own.

I need to book a work trip to China with my boss and several co-workers. We had settled on the dates (late June) but not booked the trip yet. Should I book the trip knowing that I won't be going? I know it's cowardly - but I just can't tell them yet.

And then telling our families... My Mom will be visiting us at the end of May - (about 12 weeks for me) But then she and my dad, sister and BIL will all be coming to visit in July. Can I wait that long to tell them? Or will they be mad and upset with me for waiting?

I also looked at a calendar this weekend - July 17th is the big day. The day in my pregnancy with Ellie that everything fell apart. Right now it kind of feels like I will be holding my breath until then.

Sorry - I'm slightly obsessive about worrying in case you hadn't noticed.

Pretty new flowers for Easter

I got Ellie some pretty spring flowers for Easter. The view from the church graveyard is so beautiful. I love to see the foothills in the distance.

Blankets for Newborns in Need

Here are the first two blankets I did for Newborns in Need. I've got two more done - but no pictures yet.

Nothing fancy - but I've enjoyed working on them.

The story

I've tried for a few days now to write out a simple account of what has happened in my life that lead me to where I am now. Sounds pretty easy doesn't it? Well - it's NOT!!

There is no way to break down my messy complicated life into nice little bullet list statements. It's all complicated.

2001 - Met Truett
2002 - Moved in together and decided to start working on building a family
2003 - Got married
2004 - Decided to pursue adoption instead of ART
2005 - Finalized Amelia's adoption and brought her home in December.
2007 - Complete fluke - got pregnant
1/24/08 - Ellie born at 23 weeks
3/08 - Started seeing an RE, found a uterine septum and had surgery to remove it.
6/08 - First IUI
8/08 - First IVF
9/08 - Took a much needed break
12/08 - Met with a new RE
1/09 - Second surgery to remove the rest of the septum
4/09 - Pregnant again.

Looks easy enuogh to understand doesn't it... but this leaves out all of the nights spent in tears and all of the hours spent hoping for a miracle. It leaves out the 30 years and all that happened in those 30 years before I met Truett. It conviently leaves out my first marriage all together. And it never even gives you a clue that I once wieghed less than 80 lbs and still thought I was fat. That my ED (eating disorder) is kind of like alcoholism. It's still there I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't need to control my life - I do.

Not really so pretty is it?

You think baby loss and infertility are taboo subjects - try bringing up an eating disorder. So I just stopped. I stopped talking to anyone about any person thing that ever happens to me.

Even here - I worry. I worry about what I write and how the handful of people who read this will react. I worried about posting my pregnancy news. I don't want someone to see that I am pregnant and think - oh yeah, what's she whining about. She's pregnant isn't she.

There's more to anyone's story than someone else will ever know!

So now what?

T and I had a long talk last night. Now that the news has settled in a little bit we both needed to talk through how we both felt about another pregnancy. Turns out we both are elated, scared, worried, fearful and hopeful.


I know I'm pregnant. I've been to see my MFM. I've ordered, paid for (ouch!!!) and taken my first Lovenox shots (double ouch!!!!). All of the "business" tasks related to this pregnancy are in progress. I'm good at that. Give me a task and I can get it done lickety slpit.


That leaves me with the emotional aspect. I put myself and my family through hell and this year trying to get pregnant. Now I am and I can't beleive it's real.


When I got pregnant with Ellie it was a complete and total shock. I had given up on even trying to get pregnant. I had made peace with never being able to have a biological child. Early on in the whole family building project T and I decided that we would pursue adoption instead of fertility treatments. And that's exactly what we did. I can't imagine our lives with out Amelia.

Talking to T I realized that I don't want to do anything in the way of preparations until the very last minute. I feel lucky that we didn't have a nursery ready for Ellie. Taking all of the clothes back to the store was hard enough. I actually still have a bag of items in my trunk to take to a local teen mothers charity. (and no - even the practical side of me doesn't want to keep these items just in case it's another girl)


I also don't want to worry about a single thing other than my health and the baby's health this time around. Last time I was so focused on what I needed to do to get everything taken care of at work and figuring out who was going to come after Ellie was born and where they would stay etc... that I forgot all about the joy of being pregnant. I even pushed T to call contractors so we could work on getting an addition to our house done before Ellie was born.


My goal this time around is to come home with a healthy baby and forget about everything else.

Go Tarheels!!!

I don't usually post pictures of Amelia here - but who could resist such a cute little TARHEEL!!!