I've tried for a few days now to write out a simple account of what has happened in my life that lead me to where I am now. Sounds pretty easy doesn't it? Well - it's NOT!!
There is no way to break down my messy complicated life into nice little bullet list statements. It's all complicated.
2001 - Met Truett
2002 - Moved in together and decided to start working on building a family
2003 - Got married
2004 - Decided to pursue adoption instead of ART
2005 - Finalized Amelia's adoption and brought her home in December.
2007 - Complete fluke - got pregnant
1/24/08 - Ellie born at 23 weeks
3/08 - Started seeing an RE, found a uterine septum and had surgery to remove it.
6/08 - First IUI
8/08 - First IVF
9/08 - Took a much needed break
12/08 - Met with a new RE
1/09 - Second surgery to remove the rest of the septum
4/09 - Pregnant again.
Looks easy enuogh to understand doesn't it... but this leaves out all of the nights spent in tears and all of the hours spent hoping for a miracle. It leaves out the 30 years and all that happened in those 30 years before I met Truett. It conviently leaves out my first marriage all together. And it never even gives you a clue that I once wieghed less than 80 lbs and still thought I was fat. That my ED (eating disorder) is kind of like alcoholism. It's still there I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't need to control my life - I do.
Not really so pretty is it?
You think baby loss and infertility are taboo subjects - try bringing up an eating disorder. So I just stopped. I stopped talking to anyone about any person thing that ever happens to me.
Even here - I worry. I worry about what I write and how the handful of people who read this will react. I worried about posting my pregnancy news. I don't want someone to see that I am pregnant and think - oh yeah, what's she whining about. She's pregnant isn't she.
There's more to anyone's story than someone else will ever know!
6 comments:
I'm sorry that people dont react to your ED with compassion. It's not fair. I think the turning point for me was several years ago, when I read an article on EDs and the mental issues behind them. It addressed the physical and mental aspects and did a great job of laying it all out on the table. I've had conversations with people since and brought up that article.
We all have skeletons in our closet. No one should make you feel bad because of yours.
Sigh. We are so rotten to each other, aren't we.
I think you're the answer to my prayers! I was going to ask on my blog about eating disorders, specifically bulemia, as the result of some concerns about a colleague.
If you wouldn't mind, and you are able, could you reply to this message?
I live now with a greater caution towards how other people have gotten to where they are, standing before me. I certainly don't know the back story.
(hugs)
There's always more than is on the surface, isn't there?
It must be hard struggling with an ED on top of everything else you're dealing with. Wow- glad to read that you're in control of that now.
IT is so true, we all have things we keep to ourselves, even in cyberspace...don't worry, you are no the only one with secrets...maybe one day I too will share mine.
I've been meaning to get back to this and comment on it. I've struggled with ED's over the years as well. Never diagnosed. Perhaps I'd call it 'disordered eating' versus an 'eating disorder' for myself. I really, really try not to give in to it. It's so difficult to simply strive for a 'comfortable' weight without going too far. Giving up on my weight altogether makes me sad and depressed. It's a vicious circle. It doesn't help when EVERYBODY talks about what's 'bad' for you, whether or not somebody is 'fat', etc. etc. I'm not going to go so far and say that I need to look like a magazine cover and that the media dictates my life. I think I'm stronger than that. It's just the everyday comments about food and weight that drive me nuts. Sorry for rambling here.
My main point was that you are not alone. I struggle too. I'm thinking of you.
Peace.
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