Pretty new flowers for Easter

I got Ellie some pretty spring flowers for Easter. The view from the church graveyard is so beautiful. I love to see the foothills in the distance.

Blankets for Newborns in Need

Here are the first two blankets I did for Newborns in Need. I've got two more done - but no pictures yet.

Nothing fancy - but I've enjoyed working on them.

The story

I've tried for a few days now to write out a simple account of what has happened in my life that lead me to where I am now. Sounds pretty easy doesn't it? Well - it's NOT!!

There is no way to break down my messy complicated life into nice little bullet list statements. It's all complicated.

2001 - Met Truett
2002 - Moved in together and decided to start working on building a family
2003 - Got married
2004 - Decided to pursue adoption instead of ART
2005 - Finalized Amelia's adoption and brought her home in December.
2007 - Complete fluke - got pregnant
1/24/08 - Ellie born at 23 weeks
3/08 - Started seeing an RE, found a uterine septum and had surgery to remove it.
6/08 - First IUI
8/08 - First IVF
9/08 - Took a much needed break
12/08 - Met with a new RE
1/09 - Second surgery to remove the rest of the septum
4/09 - Pregnant again.

Looks easy enuogh to understand doesn't it... but this leaves out all of the nights spent in tears and all of the hours spent hoping for a miracle. It leaves out the 30 years and all that happened in those 30 years before I met Truett. It conviently leaves out my first marriage all together. And it never even gives you a clue that I once wieghed less than 80 lbs and still thought I was fat. That my ED (eating disorder) is kind of like alcoholism. It's still there I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't need to control my life - I do.

Not really so pretty is it?

You think baby loss and infertility are taboo subjects - try bringing up an eating disorder. So I just stopped. I stopped talking to anyone about any person thing that ever happens to me.

Even here - I worry. I worry about what I write and how the handful of people who read this will react. I worried about posting my pregnancy news. I don't want someone to see that I am pregnant and think - oh yeah, what's she whining about. She's pregnant isn't she.

There's more to anyone's story than someone else will ever know!

So now what?

T and I had a long talk last night. Now that the news has settled in a little bit we both needed to talk through how we both felt about another pregnancy. Turns out we both are elated, scared, worried, fearful and hopeful.


I know I'm pregnant. I've been to see my MFM. I've ordered, paid for (ouch!!!) and taken my first Lovenox shots (double ouch!!!!). All of the "business" tasks related to this pregnancy are in progress. I'm good at that. Give me a task and I can get it done lickety slpit.


That leaves me with the emotional aspect. I put myself and my family through hell and this year trying to get pregnant. Now I am and I can't beleive it's real.


When I got pregnant with Ellie it was a complete and total shock. I had given up on even trying to get pregnant. I had made peace with never being able to have a biological child. Early on in the whole family building project T and I decided that we would pursue adoption instead of fertility treatments. And that's exactly what we did. I can't imagine our lives with out Amelia.

Talking to T I realized that I don't want to do anything in the way of preparations until the very last minute. I feel lucky that we didn't have a nursery ready for Ellie. Taking all of the clothes back to the store was hard enough. I actually still have a bag of items in my trunk to take to a local teen mothers charity. (and no - even the practical side of me doesn't want to keep these items just in case it's another girl)


I also don't want to worry about a single thing other than my health and the baby's health this time around. Last time I was so focused on what I needed to do to get everything taken care of at work and figuring out who was going to come after Ellie was born and where they would stay etc... that I forgot all about the joy of being pregnant. I even pushed T to call contractors so we could work on getting an addition to our house done before Ellie was born.


My goal this time around is to come home with a healthy baby and forget about everything else.

Go Tarheels!!!

I don't usually post pictures of Amelia here - but who could resist such a cute little TARHEEL!!!

I take it all back...

I do - I really, really do... everything that I have whined about in the last year - every single wallowing in self pity comment that I have made. I am sorry to every single one of you who have had to put up with me.

Today I am thankful to all of the Dr's and nurses who have helped me in the past year. They all had faith when I didn't. I am thankful to all of you who read this rambling mess of a blog and leave me such kind and supportive comments. And most of all I am thankful for my husband for quietly keeping me going when I thought I couldn't.

Today I am thankful to be pregnant. It's early - and I know all to well how things can go horribly wrong at the drop of a hat. But for today and everyday to come I am overwhelmed with joy.

For all of you that are reading this with a broken heart I am sorry. Please know and understand my heart and my thoughts and my prayers are there with you.

Sorry - It's almost been a week since I've had anything to say... and really I still don't. I'm just existing right now.

I've always been the kindof person who puts her mind to something and somehow, someway I manage to make it happen. But this - I can't make happen.

Somehow after so many wasted years I still get my hopes up everytime only to have to face reality a few weeks later.