One year ago tomorrow, January 13th, 2008, I was told that my daughter would probably die. I called my Mom and asked her to come stay with us. Still hoping for the best but fearing for the worst. Still no mention of possible preeclampsia.

January 9th, 2008 my life began to unravel. That is the day that we first learned something was wrong with me. We went in for a normal ultrasound and found out that my amniotic fluid was extremely low. My beautiful little girl was doing just fine though. Her heart beat was still strong. So we went home worried and scared but hopeful that a week of bed rest and extra fluids would make everything OK again. Not once was the possiblilty of Preeclampsia mentioned.

How can I miss something that I never had? But I do - and so do Truett & Amelia. It may seem strange but Truett's christmas candle for Ellie has turned into a nightly thing now. Every night for dinner Amelia asks to light Ellie's candle and we do. For a short time each day she is there with us.

Ellie was never really "here" with us, but there is still a gaping hole in our family. We have learned how to navigate around that hole and aviod the edge so we don't accidentaly slide off into the abyss. But there is always that thing - that one thought that sweeps you up and won't let you forget.

Here are some things that have caught me off guard recently...

• My husband playing the Robert Plant / Allison Krauss album as dinner music and me remebering that the last time I heard it I was listening to it on my ipod while Dr. E did the first failed amnioinfusion to try and save Ellie's life.
• Pulling out the socks I was wearing when we unknowingly got admitted to the hospital days before delivering Ellie. I remember because the nurse commented on them. I will never wear them again - but I will never throw them away either.
• Having to tell an old friend who has been out of touch about Ellie after she noticed a picture of Ellie on our wall. No one else mentions Ellie any more so I forget how fresh and raw my emotions still are after a year has already passed.

Happy New Year!
May 2009 be a better year for all of us!

I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday!

I borrowed this photo from the design geek blog http://angelosurmelis.blogspot.com/

Truett lit a candle for Ellie on Cristmas Eve and Christmas. It was really nice to think of her being there with us.

But now Christmas is over... and the only thing I have left on the horizon is Ellie's 1st birthday on January 24th. I see babies everyday and wonder what she (you, my dear sweet little girl) would be like right now. That thought passes through my mind before I even realize that is what I'm thinking.

But - I have decided that I would like to grieve for her by celebrating her life. I'm not really sure yet how I'm going to do that - but it's my goal for next year. Get out of the pitty rut that I've been in for the past 11 months and contribute something good to the world.

Well - it's back to square one.

I went to see a different RE just because I had a feeling that my first surgery wasn't as successful as my previous RE seemed to think. And - what a suprise - I was right.

I still have a significant amount of the original septum left. So January 15th I'll have surgery #2.

When we started ttc again after Ellie I told myself if it hadn't happened by December - that was really it. I told myslef the same thing after our IVF cycle. That if it didn't happen I wasn't meant to have a biological child. Even though I should be - I'm not ready to give up yet.

T is beyond the point of wanting to keep trying. He was done with the ttc scene before our IVF cycle in September. Now I'm telling him that I'm going to have another surgery because the first one, that he didn't want me to have anyway, didn't work.

What's even worse is I kept procrastinating on making travel plans for our anniversary in December because I kept telling myself that we wouldn't be able to go anyway - I'd be pregnat. Well, I'm not and it's kind of to late to make any plans.

My next deadline is June - my 38th birthday. That really has to be the end. At a certain point I need to concentrate on learning to love what I already have not chase what I don't.

Someone we hadn't spoken to since May gave us the most amazing gift this weekend. It is a Christmas ornament with Ellie's name and birth date. How could something so simple and so small mean so much? It means that someone else remembers her. Someone else thought that her short life was important enough to acknowledge. To me, that's powerful.

Thank you Christy & Darrell.

Sometimes love lasts a moment
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

Author Unknown