Back at work and other stuff

I am back at work this week. I got a small reprieve - we had snow days Monday and Tuesday so this is really only my second day back. I miss little man like crazy - but it does feel pretty good to start being productive again. Even though I was only gone for 8 weeks - it feels like forever. There is so much to catch up on. And maybe I can keep up with my blogging...

T is being Mr. Mom for now. We will see how that goes. I hope it works because we really can't afford day care right now. But I do have to admit that I'm a little jealous, even though it is tough to be at home with a baby all day.

We are still trying to figure out a routine. Every time I think we've got something good worked out little man decides he needs to change it up. He has gotten so cute and interactive now too. He responds to each of us in different ways. He just lights up when YaYa is around. His favorite amusement right now is the ceiling fan in the bedroom. He will lay on the bed and watch it spin with a big grin on his face the whole time.

Belatedly - I wanted to share a couple of pictures...

This was my Christmas / anniversary gift from Truett... Tina @ Living without Sophia and Ellie made this beautiful necklace! I LOVE IT!!!


And then in a very special box all the way from Germany - Alice sent little man the most adorable sweater! And a hat for me too!!! (sorry, no pictures yet...)

Thank you!

THANK YOU!!!! To everyone for helping me celebrate and remeber Ellie on Sunday.

I can't get this song out of my head... (I wish the whole song would play for you to hear -but this was all I could find...)

Ellie's day

Two years ago today we welcomed our beautiful little girl into this world and said good bye at the same time.

All ove the emotional spectrum today...

Where does all the time go? It seems like in the blink of an eye my day is gone.

I go back to the Dr. today for my post delivery check up. I have to make some kind of decision about what birth control method we are going to use. I have no clue... I've spent the last 10 years trying to get pregnant...it seems like exactly the opposite of what I should be doing - but according to them If I got pregnant once it will happen again... So at 38, for the first time in 20 years (yes - really... 20 years), I'm going to start using some form of birth control.
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With Ellie's Day (the 24th) rapidly approching I'm trying to sort everything out in my head. I had a great post started the other day in the car - but by the time I got home it was gone...

I think in general I'm OK with what happened now - mostly peaceful about it... A long time ago I read a blog post where someone reffered to their grief as a comfortable old coat. I guess that's how I feel about things after almost 2 years. I'm beyond the why's and most of the what if's and left with the memories of the few moments we got to spend with our child.

Somedays I wonder if she would have survived if we had tried to save her and other days I know in my heart that we did the right thing letting her live her short life in the comfort of our arms. I don't really think of her growing up or what she would be like now. She will always be the tiny little bundle I held in my arms.

My sister found out yesterday that she is having a girl. I'm very happy for her (you all know how much I love little girls...) but it stung a little bit too. Why does she get to have a little girl and I don't get to have mine? Completely silly - I know - but emotions just don't follow a logical path.

One month old...

This little man has stolen my heart. I just can't get enough of him. We almost never call him by his name. He's gotten all kinds of nicknames in the past few weeks... Small Fry, Tough Guy, Little Buddy, Duke... you name it... He's still sporting his full head of hair complete with automatic mohawk. T thinks his hair looks red - but I just don't see it... I do see my grams at moments in the way he scrunches up his face right before he cries and the way he holds his mouth when he has just fallen deeply asleep. I wish she could have gotten to meet him. I catch myself all the time thinking about sending her something or calling to tell her something.

The reflux medicine has helped turn little man into a brand new baby. It's amazing... he still cries - but not for hours on end. And he doesn't spit up nearly as much. I'm am so glad that he finally feels better.

I have a precious few weeks left before going back to work. I love my job and look forward to being able to be productive again when I get back - but I just don't know how in the world I will be able to leave little man for 8 hours a day. In my dream world there would be a day care where I work... (yeah right...) But for now - T will be taking care of him while I am gone and I will try to work at home as often as possible.

January 24th is coming up quickly. Last year T and I went away for the weekend by ourselves. It was a really wonderful way to remember and honor Ellie's short life. We had planned to do the same thing this year - but I just don't feel comfortable leaving little man overnight yet. I think T was a little disappointed but I would be to worried about him to really get myself in the right frame of mind. As it is right now we will be at home that weekend. Which also means that we won't be able to visit Ellie's grave.

Sweet Relief

Little man had his one month check up yesterday. He's doing great - 7lbs 14oz already! And he's already grown and inch!

But we have been dealing with some extreme colic issues. Luckily (not in a good way) he was having a really bad day yesterday so the Dr. got to see him in his normal state. after talking to her at lenght about what was going on with him she decided to give him some medicine for acid reflux. We stopped on the way home to get the prescription filled and gave him his first dose last night. The Dr said it would take about 3 days to start working but I think it started working right away. It took a long time to get him to sleep (last night's trick was putting him in the car seat in the bathroom with the shower running....he likes the sound of water running...at this point I was willing to do ANYTHING to get him to sleep...) but once he did fall asleep he slept blissfully for 3 HOURS!!!! (He's been averaging 20 - 30 mins at a time) And then after eating he went back to sleep.

My fingers, toes, legs and arms are crossed that this medicine really will help him be more comfortable. It has been so hard to watch him be so uncomfortable and not be able to do anything about it. He's actually sitting peacefully on my lap as I type this.

I've missed so many thing in the last few weeks. Hopefully I will start catchung up now...

Peace at last...

I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year's holiday. Amelia stayed up until midnight for the first time ever. She was on cloud nine becasue she got to stay up and have her special sparkling grape juice. She got a little bored waiting for midnight but she hung in there until the end.

I sit here with little man strapped to my chest asleep - one of the few places that will calm him down for a while. Sometimes the car seat works - but mostly that only happens if the car is in motion and I just don't have that many places to be right now...

He looks so peaceful and serene when he is sleeping I just want to pick him up and kiss him all over. It's hard to resist holding him the whole time. Sometimes I do just sit and stare at him (what else do I have to do right now...) But then there are the heartbreaking crying spells when I just have no clue what in the world will make it all better for him. Isn't a mommy supposed to be able to fix everything? Sometimes I just can't figure it out.

My mom always threatened me with stories of what a difficult baby I was. Maybe that's why I was 35 (OK - really it was 30 or 31...) before I ever considered having kids. Her favorite story is when the elderly neighbor came over and asked if there was anything she could do to help my Mom because I had been crying for so long. Some nights - if we did have neighbors they would be wondering the same thing. I don't know how YaYa manages to sleep through it all - but mostly she does.

I have been so lax on getting things done the last few weeks. I have about 30 thank you notes to write and send. And I just ordered little man's birth announcements today... Is it to terribly late to still send them out? We sent Christmas cards to a limited number of family members but I really wanted to have birth announcements too... But that's pretty much me - late as always. I really should be spending my time writing thank you notes - but it is much more enjoyable to read my favorite blogs, play with Christmas toys and watch little man grow!!!!

Speaking of growing... do babies just literally grow overnight? I swear I woke up this morning to a new baby that was 2x as big as the old one. He either had a major overnight growth spurt or my eyes need to be checked. The outfits he just grew into will be to small by next week if this keeps up.