The hard stuff...

I've got two posts in my head today, both of them (at least in my mind) are kind of big and serious - but I think I'll tackle this one first...


You always hear how hard it is for a couple, a marriage, a family to survive the death of a child.


After a death there are always stories to be shared - about so & so who broke up after their son died, or some one's aunt who turned into an alcoholic and her husband left her... additional tragedies piled up on top of tragedy.


But do you ever hear about the families that make it through the really hard stuff only to fall apart in a time of relative calm?


That's what seems to be happening to us...


It isn't sudden, even though it really feels like this has all happened out of the blue. We've had our own share of problems - some big, some small, some incredibly stupid... but this is different somehow.


It's hard to write about the nasty skeletons in my closet - I don't tell anyone these things - I guess because if no one else knows then I can pretend that they don't exist too.


Sorry but I have to give you the background otherwise it won't all make sense...


"T" and I met at work - when we met we were pretty much equals, but over the years I have moved into a position to essentially be his boss. For the most part this didn't cause any problems until our industry collapsed and in order to survive the company had to downsize. In my new position I was involved in the decision making process. For two years I agonized over choices about who to keep and who to let go. And then last October in our last round of cuts - T's position became part of the equation. Really there was no choice - it just had to be done. On some level he knew it was coming too - but the reality of it was hard. He is still able to do a few freelance things for us here and there - but not really that much. Because of the state of the industry there just aren't any jobs in the area (or in the US) anymore.


So with the loss of his job - the downward spiral for us began. I don't know how to help him. He's just given up on everything. I know it is depression - but in his mind it's just the way life is and will always be. I've tried to get him to see some one - but he just won't make that leap to reach out for help. And now it's been going on for so long that I'm starting to get frustrated and short tempered with him not doing anything...literally...nothing for days at a time.

I don't want to be like this - but I feel all this pressure to keep things going - pay the bills, try to get things done, plan for a new baby, make the world and OK place for YaYa while watching T fade away before my eyes.

Nothing will snap him out of the rut he is in. I tried to get him excited about doing the baby's room. He did a great mural in YaYa's room before we brought her home. But it just lead to a big fight. (Did I mention that on top of everything else we tend to be polar opposites on most things... I like to get things done early - T tends to prefer the last minute approach...)

He just blurted out that I forced him into having another baby and that I should have to handle everything because this is what I wanted - not him. Later he said he didn't mean it - but it's there hanging over our heads.

We've barely talked all week - and mostly that is my fault - I know he's feeling bad but so am I.

I'm not ready yet to be the one to make everything OK. I'm not ready to forgive the thoughtless words that cut me to my core. And I will go on doing what I'm doing but that joy, that wonderful hard found joy that had just surfaced is a little less bright and special.

How is it that we ended hurting now more than ever?