Happy Monday!

The tomatillo salsa was FABULOUS! Except for the part where I couldn't eat it... I took one bite and knew there was no way I could take another one without... well you understand... So T got to eat every last bit of it himself.

I go in for my amnio and growth scan tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the ultrasound. It feels like forever since we've been able to see what's going on in there. But I'm really nervous too - what if there is already something wrong? We are starting to get into the "danger zone" as I think of it. That time when things weren't really wrong yet - but they obviously weren't right either. Will Dr. J be able to pick up on it if there is something wrong again - or will it happen just like it did last time? Stealth killer - waiting to reveal itself until it was to late? My BP has been great - btu it was until the very last minute last time too.

Aside from my worry we had a pretty good weekend. We filled up YaYa's little pool and hung out there for most of the weekend. Then yesterday afternoon we had a big water fight. We chased each other around the yard with cups of water until we were all soaking wet and laughing. T's car got drenched because we ended up using it as a shield most of the time.

On an even better note - only 5 more days until VACATION!!!!

Under the Tree - June edition..

Under the Tree - June edition (Don't forget to stop by and check out everyone else's responses too...)

Hair Color: Brunette
Eye color: Hazel
Profession: Designer
Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:
Favorite color: I love all colors
Favorite movie: The Piano
Favorite animal: Don't really have one.
Favorite store: Target
Favorite childhood memory: Spending time with my Grandmother
Favorite hobby: Reading & knitting
Favorite song/singer: Iris Dement
Favorite book/author: Christopher Moore, Anita Shreeve, Ariana Franklin
Favorite school subject: To long ago to remember
Favorite vacation destination: Jamaica
Favorite food: Indian
Favorite restaurant: Namaste

This or That
Coke or Pepsi: Neither
Beer or wine: Beer
Apple Juice or O.J.: Neither
Summer or Winter: Summer
Cats or dogs: Cats
Salty or sweet: Both
Plane or boat: Plane
Morning or night: Both
Money or love: Love
Breakfast or Dinner: Both
Forgiveness or Revenge: Forgiveness
House or apartment: Either one would do
Like to cook: Yes

Have you ever:
Got a speeding ticket: Yes
Wished you were someone else: Yes
Cried during a movie: Yes
Describe yourself in one word: worrier
Biggest fear: The death of another child
Biggest mistake: That might take all day
Your proudest accomplishment: My family
Dream job: I have it... unless you count the unrealistic dream job of having a little bar/restaurant on the beach somewhere.
Special talents:
Where would you rather be at the moment: At the beach
Famous person you want to meet: Prince
Song to be played at your funeral: Glad reunion day

Menu ideas???

OK - I need more help...

As you know we are going to the beach in a couple weeks with T's family. SIL and I have agreed to split up cooking duties - I'll cook three evening meals and she'll cook three meals. Lunch and breakfast we will all kind of be on our own...

So now the big question is what do I make???

I'm a vegetarian - at home it's not that much of a problem. We eat a lot of veggies and usually there is some kind of meat for T & YaYa on the side. But T's family is pretty much meat only. Not much of an issue either because I make meat for T & YaYa all the time. The problem is - what do people at the beach like to eat? We're staying in a condo with no grill so hamburgers and hot dogs are out. MIL doesn't like chicken... Would it be weird to make slopy joes or spaghetti??? I would go with salads and a stir fry - but I know that won't fly with FIL... Honestly - I could probably eat PB&J all week if it meant I could spend more time at the pool. That would make shopping easier... Think they's all go for it?

Sorry - I'm just racking my brain trying to come up with non-offensive dinner options that 8 people will all like. (and won't cost a fortune...) HELP!!!!!!

Tomatillos

Any ideas of what to do with Tomatillos???

Thanks for the ideas about how to cook Fennel last time! I ended up making a soup... not my favorite - but it's always good tp try new things.

Nostalgia

Ever since my last post I've been flipping in and out of old picture files. Just looking at stuff wondering what in the heck happened to me. Different hair, different clothes and 15 extra pounds. I guess that does make a bigger difference than I thought. But it's more to it than that. There's a life in my eyes that isn't there in the newer pictures. I used to look happy without trying. Now I look like I'm forcing a smile when I do let someone take a picture.

Could I really have changed that much in the last few years? I guess there is just more that's different about me than I notice.

Is there such a thing? and other random-ness

Is there such a thing as a blog-o-holic??? If so - I think I've become one. I'm far to busy reading other blogs (with new ones everyday) to keep up my own in any sort of sensible way. I also check multiple times per day to see who has posted anything new... I can't keep up. First it was reading - then came the knitting - now its blogs... I don't have time for a life and my three favorite obsessions.

I used to travel and work in China a lot. The industry I'm in kind of demands that now. My three closest co-workers are in China right now without me. It makes me a little sad (and jealous) that they are there without me.

It's a long flight and grueling schedule once you arrive - but it's also a ton of fun to just cut loose and completely enjoy the silliness that happens after you spend way to much time with a small group of people on the road.

Have I mentioned how much I really love my boss? He's as serious about our work as a person can get - and he certainly demands excellence - but at the same time he is our biggest cheerleader and completely knows when to step back and let us take control. I just love all the times I've been able to sit at dinner and have a beer and great conversations with him.

Had to include a few pictures - just because! All of these were taken in Shanghai... either right before or right after Chinese New Year a few years ago.

V A C A T I O N

We are going to the beach for a week right after the 4th!!!! I'm so excited - we haven't been on vacation in 3 years.

It came up out of the blue this weekend while we were staying at my in-laws. My MIL has wanted us all to go on vacation together for years but we just never managed to coordinate schedules. Now we have a compelling reason. My SIL and her husband are going overseas on a teaching/mission trip at the end of July. They will be gone at least 1 year and possibly longer. So as a going away present MIL & FIL decided to take us all to the beach for a week. And even better - because it was a last minute rental - we got a great discount on the condo rental. Now I just need to get myself organized and plan what we need to take. We are there for 6 nights - I'm thining of asking SIL and I to split the 6 nights and each make dinner 3 nights. That way my MIL won't have to worry about cooking - since they sprang for the condo I figure the least we can do is bring the food.

I've got a Dr's appointment next week - I need to be sure Dr. J feels OK with me going away for a week - but I think it will be OK. It's just 3 hrs away from home. Keep your fingers crossed that everything stays OK between now and then (and after...)

All I can say right now is YEAH!!!

P.S. The yarn store was so much fun on Friday - I bought way to much. But I did resist the $40 white alpaca that felt like a dream! Yaya had a great time too. They had all sorts of little kids stuff at the yarn store. Then we went and got pizza for lunch at my most favorite pizza place that I never get to go to anymore. It was a wonderful day.

Happy Friday!!

It's friday and I decided to take the day off to spend with YaYa. (I'm renaming "A" - it just is to hard to read "A" in the middle of a sentance...plus she will always be know as YaYa to the WI crowd..) She had horrible nightmares last night and didn't want to go to daycare today. So we are both playing hooky.

Yaya is watching a movie right now and then we're going to the knitting store - like I need more yarn... but I need a fix. I'm thinking about getting some super lush, super expensive yarn to make baby hat for us. If I buy the yarn I don't have to knit anything yet... And I want to get some new needles. I spent an hour at lunch yesterday drooling over the knitting books at B&N. The last time I went they had a horrible selection, so this was a real treat.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with my last post... I don't mean to be so dramatic - but adoption is just something that is very, very close to my heart and I hate to see so many people dismiss it because they have heard all of the horror stories. It's not right for everyone - but it might be right for a lot more people than you would think.

Have a great weekend!

My answer to Bluebird about adoption

I started typing this as a comment on Bluebird's blog but it got to big and long. Check out her post to see where this all came from.

Sorry in advance - this is probably going to be LONG.

Adoption always was an option for me...for some reason it just always felt right. I guess I just feel like my DNA is no more special than anyone else's. And I never really was one to get all excited about the miracle of childbirth. (still not - but I don't really have much choice in the matter do I)

Most of you who read this blog already know that I have a 4yo adopted daughter.

There was no second thought when we adopted her. We never had a doubt that was what we needed to do to create our family. So we slogged through the paperwork and spent 10 long months waiting for the court system in a foreign country to give us their stamp of approval.

After the adoption was completed - I was OK with never getting pregnant. I had a beautiful, wonderful daughter and husband. That was all I'd ever wanted. We talked here and there about another adoption but the time never quite was right.

But then when we finally did feel like we were ready to start a second adoption - I got pregnant - completely by chance. It took a long time to get used to being pregnant. I wasn't prepared for it mentally. I really didn't think it was ever a possibility for us. But then when it finally settled in and we felt pretty good about it. Disaster hit. My daughter Ellie was born at 23 weeks and died in my husband's arms a few hours later.

After Ellie died there was this huge hole left in my heart and our family. So in a grief cloud I started doing anything I could to get pregnant again. I now realize I really was trying to replace what I had just lost. Terrible to say but it's really true. I wanted her back and was willing to do anything to make it happen. Against my own better judgement and my husbands, I charged ahead with IVF. I was bound and determined to make a pregnancy happen.

The IUI's and IVF cycles were a bust - but my last ditch cycle, where I used up my leftover IVF meds and skipped the IUI part, turned out successful. I'm now 14 weeks pregnant.

I worry - everyday about how this pregnancy and how it came to be will affect "A". I don't want it to hurt her. I don't want it to make her wonder about why we chose adoption. I don't want it in any way to make her feel less important.

I do know that she worries about us being a family when the new baby comes. I also know that she worries about us being different. But we are working on all of that. And I really do think we've made some progress. She told us last night at the dinner table that we are a family even if we are different.

At the same time I see how excited she is to have a brother or sister on the way. Ever since Ellie died "A" has been asking about a sibling. She talks about the baby a lot and has all sorts of things planned. She wants the baby to sleep in her room so it won't be lonely. (this one really made me teary eyed..)

So just like everything - there is good and bad. I just have to believe that the good will outweigh the bad over the course of a lifetime. I don't have any answers and I don't know what the future will hold but I have to believe that with lots of love all of my children will eventually understand the choices I made on my journey to motherhood. In different ways at different times I fought with all of my heart to welcome them into our family.

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

Happy Birthday MOM!!!! She's my rock and my inspiration!
38 years ago she was still in the hospital with me on her birthday!!

This one is right after my parents got engaged in 1965

This one is after they got married - but not sure what year

Wedding - August 1965

This one is from my Mom's high school homecoming...

Unfortunately

Sorry - but I love stuff like this! Thanks to Niobe for the idea! Essentially, google “unfortunately, [your name]” and share the results. I had to try it.

• Unfortunately, Donna's pediatrician did not diagnose her condition as characteristic of metabolic syndrome
• 'Oh, unfortunately Donna's injured. Will she come back? We don't know'
• Unfortunately, Donna is not active at this time, due to a car accident in which she was hit by a drunk driver
• Unfortunately Donna was forced to retire, due to illness, shortly before the school opened
• Unfortunately, Donna gets little time on the fairways. She's too busy getting us clients and making sure we deliver great work for them
• Unfortunately, Donna's marriage isn't in as good shape. We learn that she and David, now a successful music producer in Japan, are separated

Not much to update - here. I just feel guilty when I don't post for a few days. I lead a boring life what can I say!

But i really dolove reading and keeping up with all of you out there in blog land.

I'm trying really hard not to focus on the growing panic I feel as the weeks progress in this pregnancy. I try to imagine what it will be like to bring a baby home - but I'm not quite there yet. There's just to much time for things to go wrong.

I have another Dr's appointment on the 30th - two weeks away. It's so hard to wait. I keep imagining what is going wrong inside my body that I don't know about. Last time - no one knew that I was slowly killing my child - how is this time going to be any different. I find it really hard to beleive my MFM when she reassures me that it will all be OK. How can she be so sure??? No one thought anything would happen last time either and it did.

At the same time I'm feeling all this worry - I still stop and look at the baby stuff whenever I'm at target - wondering when it will feel safe enough to buy something.

Sorry - didn't mean to turn this into a downer... I guess I'm just struggling to keep everything in perspective right now.

Happy birthday to me!

Yep - 38 years ago today (after many, many hours of labor as my mother often reminds me) I was born - I think it was 9:30 pm... but I never remember.

I have nothing planned for today other than to lay around, eat Indian food at my favorite restaurant and have my favorite birthday cake. I made the cake for myself last night...angel food cake with boiled frosting. It's what my grandmother always made for me on my birthday growing up. I haven't had it in years and so I decided to make my own this year.

And one of those cool little coincidences - I happen to be 14 weeks on the 14th!!! Things like that always make me feel better for some reason. Like this pregnancy was meant to be. But I guess I'm just superstitious.

Fennel

How does one cook or eat fennel????

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

I don't even know if I should write about this here - but it is MY blog...

I have a situation with someone who may or may not read this blog (thanks to an unwanted public link to this blog...) but I really need some advice. If I tell my husband then he will get mad at this person and it will become an even larger mess than it already is. It all stems from an unanswered e-mail in an account that I rarely check (and yes - this person has several others ways of contacting me). I responded as soon as I saw the e-mail but now this person is not talking to me. It's creating stress where there really does not need to be any.

Ugh

We had a meeting this afternoon with one of our customers - not a big customer, and not one we do a lot of business with - but this company does have potential to be a big customer... BUT the buyer for this company is the BIGGEST B**** I have ever encountered. Every word out of her mouth was some kind of underhanded slam on our company, our line and our talent as designers - or if it wasn't a slam on us, it was to tell us how wonderful and amazing she was at her job. I mean seriously EVERY single word!! I know I will have to continue to work with this person - but I am not looking forward to it.

I am really wishing for a big cold beer right now...

T I R E D!!!!

This week has flown by! I've been doing customer showings of our newly released fabric line from morning to evening. It has me wiped out! But it's good - my job is stressful and demanding -but I love it anyway.

I had a really interesting conversation with A this morning. We were talking about Ellie. "A" first asked if she "got dead on her and had to go to heaven." I said no, that's not how it works and then she asked why she died and I tried to explain to her that she was just to little to survive and that her lungs didn't know how to work yet when she was born. Sometimes it's hard to tell if she gets what I'm saying or not. After a while she asked if the new baby was going to be dead to. Talk about the heart of the matter... that's the question we'd all love to have the answer to.

As each day clicks by I get more and more worried that I am a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. I can be serene and nonchalant on the out side -but in my heart and in my head I'm in a panic.

Please keep a couple of my friends/ co-workers in your thoughts and prayers. One just lost her first baby at almost 4 months. She doesn't have a blog but needs all of the love and support she can get right now. The other is almost 5 months pregnant and really struggling. She has been on and off of bed rest already several times. She needs all the support she can get too.

DNA

My daughter carries someone else's DNA.

"A" was born in another country to a woman I wonder about every day. I have one slightly blurry photo of this woman holding a our beautiful daughter. I haven't looked at this photo in a while - but I wonder if this is what my daughter will look like in 15 years. I give this woman my never ending thanks for choosing to give us such a special gift.

"A" was cared for by a second woman for 10 long months while our case wound its' way through the court system. I have pictures from this period of my daughter's life too. Random shots of Connie and her family holding and playing with my daughter. She was always a beautiful and happy baby. This is the woman I have to thank for giving "A" all of the love and attention babies need to develop into wonderful children and adults. I couldn't be there to hold and love her but Connie did as good of a job as I could have done myself. Otherwise A wouldn't be as amazing as she is now.

But now - she is here with me, with us - we are a family and have been for 3 1/2 years already. I see myself and my husband in her every day.

I didn't decide to adopt a child because I felt like I would be doing a good deed. I (we) decided to adopt a child because we wanted a family. I selfishly wanted to be a mother and my own body could not provide me with a child. My husband and I knew that we wanted children. This was the route that we chose. We chose it above RE's and IVF because it just felt right for us. We first spoke with and adoption agency in May of 2004. It took us until September to make a final decision. With a lot of hard work and paper chasing we were ready to submit final paperwork to Guatemala in January 2005. We got our first pictures of A less than a month later when she was 8 days old. We brought her home with us 10 long months later.

Since that time our life has taken us down many different paths. Just as we were considering a second adoption we got pregnant on our own. That pregnancy ended in tragedy (and the creation of this blog...). That tragedy lead me on a headstrong battle to fix what went wrong and do it again. If it happened once - it WILL happen again. But honestly I don't know if everything I put myself and my family through in the last 16 months was really neccessary. It seemed like it at the time. But now - thinking everything through with a less clouded mind I wonder. Don't get me wrong - I am overjoyed to be where I am right now. I just wonder if I really needed to push so hard to get here. Or if eventually I would have gone back to being completely OK with infertility and it's lack of concrete answers. Becaus I know deep down in my heart - DNA doesn't mean a thing one way or the other when you love a child.

The cat's out of the bag...

We finally told A what was going on last night. She has know for a while that something is up, with me going to the Dr. all the time and doing the shots. (which fascinates her... if I do one without her she gets upset.) We asked her if she knew what was happening - she just said simply Mommy's sick again. I wish that she didn't have to know what that meant as a 4yo - but she does. So we told her what was really going on.

I don't know what we were so worried about she was beside herself with excitement. She "really wants a sister or a brother" and kept saying I think it's a girl or maybe a boy. She even suggested some names... Snow White, Carrot, Nala and Elmo. And she's also convinced that since the baby will be here at about Christmas time that Santa is bringing it to us.

With that major success to bouy us up we told T's parents over the phone too. Slowly everyone is getting the news and soon if if they haven't been told they will know just by looking at me something is up.

Then at bed time we had a short talk with A about how we will always be family and we will always love her and Ellie and the new baby too. Somehow she has it in her head that once the new baby comes we won't be her Mommy & Daddy any more. It breaks my heart to hear her say this and I really hope that we can reassure her enough that she is convinced that will never happen. The next six months will be spent helping her understand how amazing and wonderful and perfect she is.

I wish I could tell her that I worry more about loving and caring for a biological child than I ever did about her. She is the most perfect child. I could not have asked or prayed for any child that is more right for T & I. It is hard to believe that any parenting situation can be as heartbreakingly wonderful as it has been for the past 3 1/2 years with A. Genetically she may not be related to me in any way but she is the child I have dreamed of my entire life.

I want to thank Michele for her wonderful comments to my last post. It really helps to hear from someone on the other side of adoption. And I will borrow her Mom's words of wisdom and share them with "A".

I've got way to many thoughts racing around in my head. It feels like forever since I've had actual time to sit down and think about writing a good post. (sorry - today I'm to scattered to do it either)

The Dr's office is still working with the insurance company to get the Lov.e.nox covered. I'm hoping to have a final answer by Monday. I just hope I don't have to coordinate all of this discussion every month.

This will hopefully make you chuckle... A's new nickname for T is "Big Belly" She walks up to him and slaps her hand on his stomach and says "Hey Big Belly" I laugh every time. To "A" being "big" is the best compliment a person can get or give. Every night after dinner she sticks out her stomach as far as it will go and says "look how big I am Mommy"

A is starting to become aware of the differences in how we look. She's noticed that her skin color is brown and I'm extremely white. We've always talked about her adoption but now I think we need to start talking more in depth about us as a family and what that means. It also makes me worry about the effect of having a biological child in the family. (That's a whole other post...)

But for now - We're going to have a quiet weekend and I'm off to watch Sesame Street and eat pancakes.

Major headache!!!

I'm beyond words at this point - but suffice it to say... right now I HATE insurance companies.

Mine is making it very difficult to get my Lovenox refilled. Because for some reason they just don't see the need for me to be on Lovenox.

Keep your fingers crossed that the Peri's office can get it all sorted out.

Finally - a picture...

Sorry - wasn't sure I was ready to post one before now... seeing the ultrasound pictures reminds me of Ellie.

Hello belly

Well - It's official I now have a round little belly to go with this pregnancy. And I have two pairs of pants (jeans) left that I can actually wear. It feels early this time - but everything I read says that you start to show earlier in a second pregnancy. (It still feels strange to say it that way...second pregnancy?)

Since I found out I was pregnant I've been going to goodwill every week or so to see what they have. I've gotten a nice assortment of shirts that way but not really any pants. (I am a value shooper of the biggest kind!!! And for soem reason it feels like if something does happen it will be easier to get rid of these clothes than ones that I take a lot of time picking out.)

So we took a trip to the mall yesterday. Not exactly inspiring choices. I just wanted three pairs of basic dressy / casual capris to wear to work - that didn't cost $50 each. No such luck!! Did I miss something? Are pregnant women not allowed to wear capri pants? There were a total of three stores at this gigantic mall that even had maternity clothes. And the only capri pants they had were cargo pants. Nice - but not work nice... Granted I work in a pretty casusal environment, but I do feel bad going in to work looking completely sloppy.

So it looks like I'll be buying my pants online...

AND - I almost forgot. We had another ultrasound yesterday. Everything looked good. Baby was measuring at 12w. (should be 12w3d, but the Dr. said that was OK at this point - still worries me but then again what doesn't???) They didn't do the NT scan or blood work since I know already that I would like to do the amnio at 15weeks. But I did have to get another Rogam (sorry for the spelling) shot - just to be safe.

Saw Dr. E again. It went much better this time - no tears until we were in the car. It's not that seeing her upsets me in a bad way - it's just that she was there for all the worst parts. She knows (and remembers) every intimate detail of what happened with Ellie. No one else even comes close to having that kind of understanding of where we were or what we had to do. I guess seeing her just brings it all back.

Deep breath

Well - I did end up telling my Mom last night. I just had to spit it out and it was as weird as I was afraid it would be. Not in a bad way - just wierd. She was very cautious as apposed to last time where it was wild exhuberence.

But she did say that as soon as she saw me at the airport she knew something was up because I was wearing a loose dress and I don't normally wear clothes like that.

So far so good... now three people (besides Drs) know.

The hardest one to tell will be A. I have no clue how to handle that one. She's already lost one sibling. I'm scared to get her excited aobut another one.