Me - as Mondrian

Thanks to Ya Chun and Niobe - I now have a portrait of myself ala Mondrian. I've always LOVED Mondrian. I wish I had a little more color though...

You can make one of your own here.

Just had to post a few more work pictures...

This is a new line of furniture for the HGTV designer Angelo Surmelis that my design group has been working on. They will be introduced on line in July through Overstock.com and a few other internet retailers. Really fun, beautiful stuff...

Dreams

I've been having the craziest dreams lately. Really vivid dreams about my ex-husband. It's so strange. I haven't thought much about him in years but I guess lately it's been on my mind.

Things ended pretty badly between us. Mostly my fault. We haven't had any contact in at least 6 or 7 years now.

I've reconnected with a really good friend from that period in my life and I guess that has me wondering if I should try to contact him too.

I screwed up - I know I did. Not the actual divorce - just the way it came about. My Ex and I just have so much shared history. We met in 8th grade and spent most of our HS years as best friends and then went to college together too. I don't think about it often - but sometimes when I do I feel like there is a huge hole in my life because I can't share all of those memories with someone who was there, who could help me remember the details that I've already forgotten.

At the time - I just left. I left everything - pictures, mementos, anything that would remind me of him or of us. I didn't think I would ever want that stuff. But now I find myself strangely nostalgic about my 20's. Maybe it's that fact that I'm getting closer and closer to 40. Who knows.

I know I probably never will contact him again but I will always wonder.

A better day

Well - I told my collegue about the pregnancy. She was really happy for us. So - WOW - that went better than planned. She is going to go forward with her IVF schedule and we're both going to wait a while to tell our boss about not going on the business trip. So - no more stress for a while and our secret is mostly still a secret.

Life just doesn't cooperate

Nothing ever seems to work out the way that I'd like it to. Sorry - I'm ging to use this post to whine for a few minutes. I like to have a plan - and when my plan doesn't work the way I want it to I get annoyed.

I ended up booking the work trip last week knowing full well that I wouldn't be going. But I just wasn't ready to let anyone else know (and I'm still not...) but now I have to come clean.

A very close co-worker is trying to schedule an IVF cycle. The June trip dates conflict with her potential schedule. She was going to cancel her IVF cycle because of the work trip.

I can't let her do that knowing that I have no intention of going. She and her husband have debated doing IVF for 2 years. He's finally agreed. I can't get in the way just because I'm to scared.

So deep breath, muster up the courage... I've got to tell her first (which I was also dreading... she's been in IF land as long as we have...) and then I've got to tell my boss.

All of this before I really even know for sure it's actually a viable pregnancy. I was going to wait until June to tell anyone IRL about the pregnancy. For some reason that felt like a good time to do it. It gave me time to get OK with everything and it gave me time just to feel a little better about how this pregnancy was going to go.

Some days life just isn't fair.

The zoo was a blast! And we didn't even see many animals!!! Amelia was far to interested in all the kids activities they had. They have an area called kidzone - with all kinds of hands on crafts, a garden area, a maze chalk board wall and HUGE sand play area. She was much more intersted in all of that excitement than some sleepy lazy animals. But she had FUN! That was the best part.

I'm still hanging in there... 6 weeks this week... (I think so anyway...) December feels like a lifetime away. I've started checking my BP again every day. Today was great - 122/79 - thanks to Labetelol I'm sure.

Hope everyone else had a great weekend!

Friday

Don't really have much to share today. It's been a quite week.

At least I now have the distinct pleasure of constant nausea. It is my reminder that yes, you are really pregnant. I go back for more bloodwork on Monday and then a first US on the 30th.

The sun is shining today and the trees are finally green. I can see the wisteria is in bloom from my office window. I know it's really a menace - but the soft purple looks so beautiful draped over the new green on the leaves. It makes me want to get out of the office.

I hope everyone has a safe and relaxing weekend. We are taking Amelia to the Zoo with some friends of ours and their grandson. (That is a little strange to think about isn't it...I have friends with grandchildren older than my own children...) We're all ready for the outing.

I should be getting my first vegetable share in the next week or so. I'm looking forward to having fresh vegetables evry week! Especially when tomatoes and cucumbers start coming!!! I can't think of a better summer meal - garden fresh tomatoes and cucumbers - YUM!

A few more work pictures

A little of this and a little of that...

I hope everyone had a happy Easter!

We spent the weekend with Truett's parents. Overall it was good. Nothing big or exciting just a good weekend with family.

We went to visit Ellie's grave on Sunday with Amelia. Sometimes she wants to go other times she doesn't. But today she did. When we got there we found that several people had left flowers for Ellie on Easter. Truett's parents, his aunt and his grandmother all left pretty spring arrangements for her. That was so amazing to drive up and see all those flowers at her little grave.

I started my Lovenox shots last week and already my stomach looks like a funky science experiment. Mostly I've done great and gotten very little bruising - but then there are the places that just are plain BAD! I've never in my life until now wished that I had a bigger belly!! But if I keep making the big bruises I'm going to run out of room before 9 months is up! (not complaining about it as long as it gets me through this pregnancy!!!) I went back for my first blood check today.

I'm thinking about changing the title of my blog - but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it or not. Same with adding a little ticker thing. If something were to happen with this pregnancy it would be one of those horrible reminds that I'd just have to go back and get rid of. Just not ready for anything big yet -but there's not much else I think about either...

I've been thinking a lot about when to tell people about the pregnancy. I know I don't want to do it anytime soon - but there are a couple of situations where I should tell someone but I just don't know if I feel comfortable doing that or not. In some ways I would love to tell them now because i know everyone would be so excited - but in other ways I would love to wait until the baby is born so I don't have to carry everyone else's worry along with my own.

I need to book a work trip to China with my boss and several co-workers. We had settled on the dates (late June) but not booked the trip yet. Should I book the trip knowing that I won't be going? I know it's cowardly - but I just can't tell them yet.

And then telling our families... My Mom will be visiting us at the end of May - (about 12 weeks for me) But then she and my dad, sister and BIL will all be coming to visit in July. Can I wait that long to tell them? Or will they be mad and upset with me for waiting?

I also looked at a calendar this weekend - July 17th is the big day. The day in my pregnancy with Ellie that everything fell apart. Right now it kind of feels like I will be holding my breath until then.

Sorry - I'm slightly obsessive about worrying in case you hadn't noticed.

Pretty new flowers for Easter

I got Ellie some pretty spring flowers for Easter. The view from the church graveyard is so beautiful. I love to see the foothills in the distance.

Blankets for Newborns in Need

Here are the first two blankets I did for Newborns in Need. I've got two more done - but no pictures yet.

Nothing fancy - but I've enjoyed working on them.

The story

I've tried for a few days now to write out a simple account of what has happened in my life that lead me to where I am now. Sounds pretty easy doesn't it? Well - it's NOT!!

There is no way to break down my messy complicated life into nice little bullet list statements. It's all complicated.

2001 - Met Truett
2002 - Moved in together and decided to start working on building a family
2003 - Got married
2004 - Decided to pursue adoption instead of ART
2005 - Finalized Amelia's adoption and brought her home in December.
2007 - Complete fluke - got pregnant
1/24/08 - Ellie born at 23 weeks
3/08 - Started seeing an RE, found a uterine septum and had surgery to remove it.
6/08 - First IUI
8/08 - First IVF
9/08 - Took a much needed break
12/08 - Met with a new RE
1/09 - Second surgery to remove the rest of the septum
4/09 - Pregnant again.

Looks easy enuogh to understand doesn't it... but this leaves out all of the nights spent in tears and all of the hours spent hoping for a miracle. It leaves out the 30 years and all that happened in those 30 years before I met Truett. It conviently leaves out my first marriage all together. And it never even gives you a clue that I once wieghed less than 80 lbs and still thought I was fat. That my ED (eating disorder) is kind of like alcoholism. It's still there I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't need to control my life - I do.

Not really so pretty is it?

You think baby loss and infertility are taboo subjects - try bringing up an eating disorder. So I just stopped. I stopped talking to anyone about any person thing that ever happens to me.

Even here - I worry. I worry about what I write and how the handful of people who read this will react. I worried about posting my pregnancy news. I don't want someone to see that I am pregnant and think - oh yeah, what's she whining about. She's pregnant isn't she.

There's more to anyone's story than someone else will ever know!

So now what?

T and I had a long talk last night. Now that the news has settled in a little bit we both needed to talk through how we both felt about another pregnancy. Turns out we both are elated, scared, worried, fearful and hopeful.


I know I'm pregnant. I've been to see my MFM. I've ordered, paid for (ouch!!!) and taken my first Lovenox shots (double ouch!!!!). All of the "business" tasks related to this pregnancy are in progress. I'm good at that. Give me a task and I can get it done lickety slpit.


That leaves me with the emotional aspect. I put myself and my family through hell and this year trying to get pregnant. Now I am and I can't beleive it's real.


When I got pregnant with Ellie it was a complete and total shock. I had given up on even trying to get pregnant. I had made peace with never being able to have a biological child. Early on in the whole family building project T and I decided that we would pursue adoption instead of fertility treatments. And that's exactly what we did. I can't imagine our lives with out Amelia.

Talking to T I realized that I don't want to do anything in the way of preparations until the very last minute. I feel lucky that we didn't have a nursery ready for Ellie. Taking all of the clothes back to the store was hard enough. I actually still have a bag of items in my trunk to take to a local teen mothers charity. (and no - even the practical side of me doesn't want to keep these items just in case it's another girl)


I also don't want to worry about a single thing other than my health and the baby's health this time around. Last time I was so focused on what I needed to do to get everything taken care of at work and figuring out who was going to come after Ellie was born and where they would stay etc... that I forgot all about the joy of being pregnant. I even pushed T to call contractors so we could work on getting an addition to our house done before Ellie was born.


My goal this time around is to come home with a healthy baby and forget about everything else.

Go Tarheels!!!

I don't usually post pictures of Amelia here - but who could resist such a cute little TARHEEL!!!

I take it all back...

I do - I really, really do... everything that I have whined about in the last year - every single wallowing in self pity comment that I have made. I am sorry to every single one of you who have had to put up with me.

Today I am thankful to all of the Dr's and nurses who have helped me in the past year. They all had faith when I didn't. I am thankful to all of you who read this rambling mess of a blog and leave me such kind and supportive comments. And most of all I am thankful for my husband for quietly keeping me going when I thought I couldn't.

Today I am thankful to be pregnant. It's early - and I know all to well how things can go horribly wrong at the drop of a hat. But for today and everyday to come I am overwhelmed with joy.

For all of you that are reading this with a broken heart I am sorry. Please know and understand my heart and my thoughts and my prayers are there with you.

Sorry - It's almost been a week since I've had anything to say... and really I still don't. I'm just existing right now.

I've always been the kindof person who puts her mind to something and somehow, someway I manage to make it happen. But this - I can't make happen.

Somehow after so many wasted years I still get my hopes up everytime only to have to face reality a few weeks later.