Under the tree...

To read about project "Under the Tree" please go here

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?

I have been blogging for about 9 months. I started my first blog to share pictures of my daughter with my family. We don't live close to them and it was a way of letting them all see pictures of her in everyday life.

Then I started a seperate blog about the death of our second child hoping to just let it all out. I was driving myself and my husband crazy with all of the questions racing around in my head. I thought that writing it all down might help me let go of some of the pain. I have kept up with the 2 blogs because I think it is important to have a place for each of my duaghters that is there own.

I love the opportunity to read and connect with other mothers who have gone through similar things. It makes me feel much less isolated and alone in my feelings. I don't have much contact with anyone IRL that has lost a child or is dealing with IF issues. Reading others blogs makes me remember that I'm not crazy.


Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

I think I still keep most of my feelings to myself. I'm trying very hard to overcome this. My therapist actually suggested a blog as a way to start opening up and letting people in. I feel a strange sense of not really fitting into any category so I have a hard time really letting anyone else in on what is going through my head. That - or I just don't do a very good job of expressing myself.


Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

It may seem like a strange choice - but LUCKY BONES byt Alice Sebold.


How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?

Loosing Ellie changed me in a few dramatic ways - but mostly it's little things that I notice the most. I used to beleive that ultimately the world was a good place. I don't really think that anymore.

Loosing Ellie robbed me of the peace that I had made with IF. After years and years of feeling guilt and anger at not being able to get pregnant I was OK with it. I was happy with my family exactly as it was. Then all of a sudden I'm pregnant. Now I realize that I do want a second child and I do want to experience being pregnant and having a newborn. And all of a sudden I'm thrown back into the depths of wanting something that I have no control over getting.


How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I see light. I didn't think I ever would - but I do.

A year ago at this time I was just coming back to work. I couldn't function. I was a disaster. Today - I do OK. I have managed to put away most of the unanswered questions and what if's. They aren't gone but they aren't there every minute of every day. I can laugh and enjoy myself with out feeling guilty.

A year from now I hope I will have been able to make peace with being pregnant or not.