Letting go

I keep asking myself how a person lets go of a dream?

Is it a slow process? Like driving away in a car and watching something familar slip over the horizon?

Or should it be fast? Like quitting smoking cold turkey? It is an addiction of sorts isn't it?

Sometimes I wish I was a drug addict. I think people would be much more understanding.

10 months yesterday... almost a year of my life gone. Amelia still asks why her sister had to go away. I wish I knew.

Last year at Thanksgiving we told everyone that we were pregnant. This year I will taking pretty fall flowers to my daughter's grave. Not really fair is it. But what is fair anyway...

I went to see a new RE today. Not really sure why right now - but it helps me deal with things if I have a project. For the last 7 months that project has been conception. I told myself after the huge dissapointment with IVF that I was DONE - over it - never going there again. That was all of 2 months ago... But now I think I have perspective. Nothing unrealistic - just a glimmer of hope that I don't want to let die.

I'm having another sonohystogram done next Tuesday. Hopefully that will tell me if there is any chance at another pregnancy. If it looks good and the septum really is gone then I'll keep trying. If it doesn't look good and I need another surgery - I'll really have to think about things.

10 months that have changed the course of my life.

10 months

It's hard to believe that 10 months have already passed. Life is back to "normal" - get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch TV(read, play whatever fills the time), go to bed... Even "normal" doesn't feel normal anymore.

I used to love my job. I worked constantly - not because I had to, but because I needed to. There were just to many things that I wanted to do. After adopting Amelia I tempered that energy and spent more time at home with my family but that passion still existed. Today, 10 months after PE stole my child, my passion is gone. My job depends on my passion for creating. I am a creative director who can't create. I'm stuck. Is it writers block if you don't write? Or is it just plain inertia? I didn't see it coming and didn't feel it as it happened - but all of a sudden I am completely aware that I have lost all desire to win. I haven't lost my ability to design - I have lost my desire to design.

Everyone else who comes and goes in my daily life has moved past Ellie's death. It's as if my daughter never existed. And I guess to them she never did.

Because of the deflated state of our economy I have had to be party to many, many downsizing measures in the past year. And if you've been following my story here you know my husband was one of the casualties. After the last round of layoffs my boss was looking for consolation, comiseration and absolution for all of the horrible things he had been forced to do. In the past I would have given him a hug and told him it wasn't his fault. That he was just doing what had to be done. That it was the nature of business. That it was the only way we could keep the company going.

This time the only comment I could come up with was it has been a shitty fucking year. That 2008 was without a doubt the worst year of my life. And he gave me a look - and then I could see the realization wash over him.

Almost 30 years ago one of his children died too. His wife gave birth to twins at 27 weeks. One twin died, but one twin survived. In my own brand of obscene jealousy I can't help thinking how lucky he was that even though one child didn't get to come home - one did.

There was another tragic death in our family recently. One more little one lost. One more mother who left the hospital without her baby. There is no end to tragedy in this world.

I used to think that people who thought of birth as a miracle were sappy dopes. But I now know that it is truely a miracle. We have no control over the life or death of our children. Just because they are alive one day doesn't mean that they will be the next.

OK - One more...

I wanted so much more for you my sweet little baby.
I wanted to change your diapers, not my life.
I wanted to nurse you, not my grief.
I wanted to dress you up, not bury you down.
I wanted to hear the sounds of you crying for me at night, not the sounds of my own crying for you, my innocent, misconceived baby.
I wanted to see you grow, not the grass upon the grave.
I wanted to see you asleep in your crib, not in the casket.
I wanted to give you life, not death.
I wanted to show you off, not go on alone.
I wanted to comb your fuzzy hair, not save a lock of it.
I wanted to pick up after you, not put down my dreams for you.
I wanted to hold you in my arms, not this doll.
I wanted to walk you late at night, not my fears.
I wanted so much for you my newly born, newly gone child.

I was deleting some old e-mails when I came across this... originally I had thought of it in terms of Ellie. Re-reading it today I think about Amelia. So I guess this is for both of my duaghters.

In My Daughter's Eyes
By Martina McBride

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero.
I am strong and wise and I have no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In My Daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe In my daughter's eyes.

It's a beautiful crisp fall day. The sun is shining and the world just seems like it should be peaceful, happy and calm. Now why in the world don't I just absorb that peaceful calm feeling?

I am trying divorce myself from the desperate need for another child. But like all divorces it's a messy project. filled with love and hate, joy and sorrow and lots of anxiety.

One day I'm ready to be done with all of the hope and expectations and the next I feel willing to do anything I can.

Maybe if everyone else just stopeed having babies it would make things a whole lot easier for me. But I seriously doubt if that's going to happen - so suck I guess I just need to suck it up and smile.

Good bye maternity clothes...

I packed them all up and took it to the consignment store yesterday. All except one - the sweater I was wearing when they told me I was staying in the hospital.

It amazed me how many of them still had tags attached. A small wardrobe that was never worn. I hope that whoever ends up with them now has a happy and healthy pregnancy.

My next goal is all the baby clothes that we were given. I hate to see them go - but they really have no sentimental attachments - just the dreams of what was supposed to be. And right now I'm ready to live with out those ghosts for a while.

It's been a really crappy couple of weeks (months, ect...)

DH finally got laid off for good. We always knew it was coming - it was just a matter of when. You'd think we would have been prepared for it, and I guess in a way we were. But it's still a huge shock to the system. So we'll be cutting back on lots of things in the near future.

The hardest part at first was that I had to be part of the group that made the decision. Yes - we are the dreaded office romance that everyone warns employees about. But honestly - other than a few minor bumps in the road - it's been a great 8 years of working together. Up until now when thanks to the sucky economy our company is having to make major cutbacks.

So - no second income means my dream of starting an adoption is completely on hold for the forseeable future. Now I really feel like all hope is gone. I have been really depressed and on edge. I want a baby so badly. It's really hard to see so many others moving on and having babies when I know that it just isn't an option for us anymore. Somehow I have to come to terms with my life the way it is and find happiness there. Right now - I just don't really know how to do it. This year has pushed me so far off my center I'm not sure I'll ever be able to come back.

I feel like sharing a couple pictures of my daughter. I've never shown them to anyone because I couldn't stand to see a negative reaction to them. To me she is beautiful and perfect in every way. I hope everyone else can see how special she is too.