Starting over....

I haven't posted here in a long time... not really sure why - just to completely over whelmed I guess.

I wanted to keep this blog as a place to remember my sweet little girl and not bog it down in all of the other junk that litters my so called life. But that is mostly impossible because loosing Ellie goes hand in hand with the rest of it.

So - new mindset - new start.

Here's the short version of my story.

• 2002 - started ttc
• 2003 - got married
• 2005 - adopted Amelia
• 2007 - got pregnant
• January 2008 - gave birth to my daughter Ellie at 23 weeks due to severe preeclampsia
• March 2008 - Met with an RE for the first time
• April 2008 - Surgery to remove a uterine septum
• June 2008 - IUI - BFN
• September 2008 - IVF - BFN
• October 2008 - ???

Last year I found out I was pregnant on October 8th. This year I'm not pregnant on October 8th (or 9th, or 10th or 11th on and on goes the ticker in my head).

I'm having a hard time dealing with that.

I have spent the last 9 months since loosing Ellie trying to find hope. And for me that hope was the thought that maybe I could get pregnant again. After the IVF BFN I'm not sure where to find anymore hope.

It seemed so simple after seeing the RE. Do some tests, find out what's wrong, get pregnant. Did the tests, found out what's wrong - not pregnant. Now what - I'm out of insurance coverage. It's not a great time to go looking for a loan to finance medical treatment and I am still $8000 in the hole thanks to the damn preeclampsia.

Right now I would do just about anything to have a baby. Before I really wanted to be pregnant again. Now with a much more modest goal - I just want to have a baby.

And yes - I'll own up to it. Another child would be a replacement for Ellie. I'm not proud of that but it's the truth for me right now. I feel a tremendous need to fill my empty arms. And having a baby would certainly help heal the hole in my heart.

I want to adopt. I would start today. I would call this instant. But it's not up to me alone. It's something that DH and I need to do together. And right now he's spent. I have put him through more than he ever felt comfortable doing. He didn't want to see an RE to start with. And somehow I managed to drag him along through IVF. (Does this man love me or what???)

So now I'm trying to be as good to him as he has been to me. Right now - he needs time to heal and I guess I do too.