Stress

My house is a disaster. I have a mile high stack of work that I should be doing. But here I sit - at the computer reading and catching up. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.

I've been leaving early for work and getting home late for weeks. Yesterday (or was it the day before???) I was stressed out and frantic before I even got to work. I am miserable and well on my way to making everyone else around me miserable too.

I guess it is a combination of no sleep (Eli continues to wake up at least 2 times a night to eat...), doing the job of 2 people by myself (my partner is out on maternity leave now) and it being the "crazy" time of year before the new line is released. I love my job - but it some days it is pure hell.

And could it be that I'm just getting OLD??

In less than a month I will be the dreaded "39". Honestly - I don't feel that old at all. It feels like yesterday that I celebrated my 30th birthday. But now I look in the mirror and I see the littel wrinkles on my forhead and I wake up somedays and it takes a little while to get going.

I guess I just want this week and next week and the week after that to be over so maybe, just maybe I can sit back and take a minute to breathe.

What has happened?

I'm trying the mobile blogging...

 

I really, really need to write about a situation – but I don’t think I can.  Months and months ago – I found out that this blog had been discovered by several people who know me IRL.  Kind of a big deal to me – but I guess I let it go and stopped writing about certain things.  Well – now I really feel like I need to get a weird, uncomfortable situation off my chest so I can stop dwelling on it – but I can’t…

 

So now I’m stuck and it really, really sucks!

 

(WOW - what's up... two posts in two days???)

Name Change

Yes, I decided it was time for a change... I borrowed the name from a book - because it really felt like a good fit for my life. I've been through some really tough times - but honestly - I still feel blessed. I get down, and I get frustrated with how tough it has been in the last few years but overall, in spite of everything, I have more love in my life than I ever thought possible.

I haven't been able to write much since little man was born. Mostly because I'm still trying to figure out what this space is to me. I do know that in I miss everyone here. Even if I don't write much I still read - even if I don't comment as often as I used to.

2 1/2 years after Ellie's death she is more I part of my life than I ever expected. But I don't really feel the need to write what I feel. Some days it hurts and some days it doesn't. It's just another part of my life now.

My usual blog time was in the free minutes here and there during the day. But all that has changed too. Personal blogs (and all personal websites) are now off limits at work. My home time is devoted to family. And by the time everyone else is in bed - I'm to brain fryed to get on the computer.

So I guess I'm just making excuses for not devoting enough time and energy to keeping this going...

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to everyone.

I know this is a sad day for many women - no mattter what - you are all loved and appreciated.

I am feeling very loved and blessed this year. It is the first time in 16 years I have been able to spend Mother's Day with my mom! Aren't we a beautiful bunch of girls!

Birthday celebration

We had a special birthday celebration for my boss today. He turned 65 and celebrated 50 years working in the textile industry at the same time. His career started when he was 15 years old and began working for a carpet company in his native Ireland. We had a great birthday brunch.
With some careful planning we framed one of the first carpet designs he painted. He was 18 years old at the time. He had brought it in to work to show us a few months ago and we secretly borrowed it and took it to be framed. It is one of the few remaining original artwork pieces he has. The rest of his portfolio was stolen many years ago.

And then - because we are a fabric company after all... we turned the artwork into fabric that will be released in our June line as a tribute to someone we all love very, very much! He was speechless!

This is the artwork...

This is the fabric...

Finally some new pictures!!!

Eli zonked out on the couch last night..
He was a giggle-puss at dinner. He has discovered that he LOVES attention!
Amelia was to tired for picture taking...she stayed up the night before to watch Survivor with us.

Measuring up

This past weekend was a completely bittersweet moment. Little man slept the night in his crib for the first time on Saturday. (He didn't sleep through the night - but he did spend his sleep time in his crib.) We've been working towards this for a couple of weeks. So you would think that when it finally happened I would feel like I had actually accomplished something. But instead - I felt so completely sad... I couldn't close my eyes and drift off to sleep knowing that my sweet little guy was just an arm's reach away. Instead I had to rely on hearing him wake up with the monitor. And I never anticipated what a big difference him sleeping in the crib would make to my sleep!! It takes a whole lot more wakefulness to get out of bed, walk down the hall and sit in the rocker to feed him at 3am than it did to roll over scoop him up and get back in bed!!! I guess that's just me being selfish - but I'm just saying... from my perspective it makes a lot more sense to keep him in the bedroom!

The real point of my post is something completely different. This weekend I stepped on the scale and saw a number that I haven't seen since Oct. 2007. Now - you may wonder how I know what I weighed almost 3 years ago. It is exactly what I weighed when we went in for our first OB visit after I found out I was pregnant with Ellie. At the time it was heavier than I had been in a while. But now - it's the least I've weighed since then.

And then it hit me. I don't measure my life in months or years - I measure it by how much I weigh at any given time. My life is measured by the ups and downs of my weight. I guess it had never really occured to me exactly how deeply my eating disordered thinking ran.

• I weighed xxx when I met T
• I weighed ### when I turned 30
• I weighed ** when I was at my sickest
• I weighed ^^^ when I came home from the hospital after Ellie died
• I weighed !! when I was 6 years old

I could make you a list that spans all of my school years and on into adulthood.