Charlotte Gilman Wick

Monday was hard but Tuesday was harder.

We got to WI Sunday evening - no problems with flights thank goodness! (Usually there is some kind of delay getting in or out of the small airport near my parents house) It made me so sad knowing that I was flying home and wouldn't get to hear my Grams give me a hug and say "Hi Hon" like she's always done for the years I've been gone.

She's spent her life waiting for people to come back to her - her husband (who worked on the road while she raised 4 children) Her sons (who all went off to war and couldn't stay put when they finally came back home) and her grandchildren (who scattered across the country for love or jobs or both). The only constant in her life was my mom. Day in and day out through the good and the bad, through frustration and tears - my mom was her rock and she was my mom's. My mom was there with her when she died. She saw the fear in her eyes and held her hand as her breathing stopped and her pulse faded.

My grandma was stubborn, from a very long line of stubborn. She was old and it was hard for her to do most things but she wanted to be at "home" until the end and she was. She died at home surrounded by her favorite things in her favorite rocking chair. If there was ever anything that My grandma did it was rock. My mom had to keep a rocking chair in her living room because that was the only place Grams would sit.

She spent the day with her last brother on the Sunday before she died. She made him potato pancakes and they played cards. And most likely sat in her living room watching the weather channel for an hour at least.

Monday was the visitation at the funeral home. For me it was like torture. I don't do public grief very well. I just wanted everyone to go away and stop talking so I could stand next to her and cry. I know it seems strange - she was my grandmother, not my mom after all - but she was so much more than a grandmother. I spent a huge portion of my childhood with her. She lived with us until I was 6 yrs old. (She moved out because my mom got pregnant again! That's just how she was...) So every early memory of mine has her in it too.

I haven't been to a funeral since Ellie's - not that this was in any way similar, but the raw emotions were still there. And like I said - public grief just isn't my thing. I wish I could have just sat in that room with her for hours - just the two of us. So I mostly stood mute while everyone else mingled. I tend to be mostly anti-social in a mostly social family. My Mom was a champ - keeping her brothers in line (not at all an easy task for two men who hadn't spoken since 1989 at another funeral) and greeting everyone who came.

Tuesday was the funeral. Everything was well thought out and executed - but it was still a funeral. It was more of the same.

But now comes the even harder part. The days that stretch out before you without someone you love. For me it will be easier. She wasn't a part of my daily landscape. I will go home and slip back into my life with another hole in my heart. But for my mom - the entire landscape of her life will have changed. I remember how hard that was to adjust to. For now she will be busy. Her brothers will both be here for the next few weeks to help her get everything taken care of (not that either one is really that much help...) and she will be busy dismantling a life. But after the tasks are completed and the to do list is done. She will have to deal with the quiet that follows. I dread that for her.

August 24, 1919 - September 24, 2009

Well - going home didn't really end my crappy day...

My mom called yesterday with some sad news.

My grandmother passed away yesterday evening - exactly one month after her 90th birthday.

I'm trying to figure out how to get all of us up there as I type...

I hate that I didn't argue with T a little harder to let me go up there for her birthday. I really wish I had gotten to see her and say good bye.

It's 10am and I'm ready for this day to end...

Can I end this day early - or go back and start it over????

I've outgrown every piece of clothing that I felt like wearing today. I think I tried every single thing in my closet on this morning before it finally got to late and I had to give up and leave. The maternity clothes that I felt so smug about buying on sale early on all look stupid once you put a gigantic body inside them.

I must have slept funny because I woke up with a kink in my neck that means I'm sitting hunched over my computer with my head at a funny angle because it hurts to sit up straight.

I got a ton of snarky e-mails from our overseas office last night. We all work for the same company but for some reason there is always some kind of stupid sibling rivalry going on. And the overseas director is back on a testosterone driven rampage to prive he's in control of the world. On of his biggest supporters in our company even calls him "a bull in a china shop"... Just because I am a woman and I happen to be pregnant does NOT mean I have lost my brain...

Every project that I'm really excited about recently has ended up having to be dropped because of price increases or testing problems. My involvement seems to be the kiss of death for any new fabric lately.

I'm just in a crappy, crappy bad mood today. The past 2 wks of grey overcast skies doesn't really help matters either.

I want to go home and watch a movie and pretend that the world outside doesn't exist...

28wk appointment

Had a day from h*** at the MFM today... not bad news - just annoying schedule problems!!!

First - big boy is doing great!!! He weighs 2lb 10oz already!!! (it is strange to think about how much bigger he is already than Ellie was... she was right at 1lb when she was born) It seems big to me - but it puts him in the 40th percentile - so pretty average.

We didn't get to see much on the ultrasound because I almost passed out... I had to do the dreaded glucose test and they decided to give me the lovely drink on my way into the ultrasound room. Luckily the tech was super quick and efficient... because I started feeling sick almost immediately. She got the measurements she needed and nothing else... So no pretty baby pics to post :( After 10 or 15 minutes that cold sweaty feeling finally passed and I felt a little bit better. I should get the results later this week... I'm a little worried about it but Dr. H said he didn't think there would be a problem.

But then it was on to the lab... except for the side trip on the way to the lab with a very strange little woman doing a research survey on pregnancy after loss... I didn't mind answering the questions - but they were just bizzarre and completely random. Obviously written by someone who knows very little about actual pregnancy complications and loss.

Once we finally made it to the lab they took 3x as much blood as I was expecting them too - so on top of feeling light headed from the junk I drank I felt light headed from the blood they drew too...

And just because I needed one more thing today I got another Rhogam shot.

Then we finally saw Dr. H... He said everything looked not just good - but wonderful!!! We were planning to start NSTs this week - but since the ultrasound showed such good growth and my fluid levels looked good he's going to put them off for another couple weeks! Not that I mind having to do them - but it's great news that we don't need to! He did increase my lov.en.ox dose. Which completely sucks because I just last week ordered a full month's supply of the lower dose... so now I get to pay that unreasonable amount twice this month...

Sorry for the whine fest... It really was a great day with great news!

I saw Dr. E for jsut a minute in the hallway. She gave both of us a big hug and said how happy she was that we had made it this far and were still doing so well.

Once the weather starts to turn to fall I love to think about baking. I've got to start planning my christmas cookies now or I might not get any made this year. I don't do fancy cookies - just fun, yummy, family friendly baking that everyone can help with. Do you have holiday favorites? I'm always up for trying something new.

Has anyone made cake pops? I keep hearing about them...

It sounds like a fun kids party treat - but do they taste good?

I found a recipe for Halloween cake pops that sound really yummy - but then again I am partial to anything pumpkin. (Yeah for Thanksgiving!!!)

28wks...

Thank you all for the thoughts and comments about Big Boy's name. It just feels like the right name.

Here I am feeling completely gigantic and people (not people I see every day...) are just now starting to tell me that I really look pregnant... Like they hadn't been sure until now if I was just gaining weight or what.

It's strange and new to be this pregnant. I just follow my belly around all day long. It's like a whole other appendage with a life of it's own attached to my body. It just rolls and bulges with no thought to who might want to be asleep or not.

Big boy must have turned head down last night. All of a sudden I am feeling kicks high in ribs right where my abdomen tends to fold in half when I sit down.

As with everything this time around there is a sense of nostalgia with each new pregnancy sensation. I wonder what it would have been like to get to 28wks with Ellie. If we could have caught the PE and slowed it's progress and given her time to grow. But I try not to dwell on those thoughts. They never lead to a good state of mind.

We have another growth scan on Tuesday. I'm hoping everything still looks as good as it did last time. I feel like my belly has gotten bigger - but I haven't really gained much weight between this time and the last. (Maybe that's a good thing...). Hopefully we will have some great pics to show you then!

What's in a name...

Just because I have a minute and have been thinking about this for a while...

We decided on a name for Big Boy. Actually we decided on a name a long time ago - right after we found out it was a boy. It was a split second thing and immediately we knew it was right. Until now we haven't told anyone. And probably won't IRL... until after the baby is born and the name has been given.

But - I am afraid that others will have a problem with the name - not so much a problem, but read more into it than we intended. So I'll share it here with you and give you the whole story that most people probably won't even take the time to hear.

I had the most wonderful nurse while I was in labor with Ellie. Her name was Eli. I have never forgotten how kind and compassionate she was. In a way that none of the other nurses even came close to. Not that the other nurses were unkind - they were just different.

When we first started talking about names we went with family names and had tentatively settled on one that we both liked. We also knew that we preferred more old fashioned or traditional names.

But then one night while we were watching True Blood on DVD (of all things...) I just blurted out the name Elijah Thomas and it felt right in a way that none of the other names had felt right. We looked at each other and knew it was right because at the same moment seconds after I said the name we both knew we would call him Eli.

For us this is a way to honor Ellie and the place that she has in our hearts and our lives and to honor a very special nurse that made a very painful time a little better.

And as always I worry about everything... Now I am worried that everyone will think that we have named our son Eli just because we are trying to replace Ellie. When really he has his very own special place in our hearts too.

I guess people are just going to think what they think and nothing will change that.