Happy New Year!
May 2009 be a better year for all of us!

I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday!

I borrowed this photo from the design geek blog http://angelosurmelis.blogspot.com/

Truett lit a candle for Ellie on Cristmas Eve and Christmas. It was really nice to think of her being there with us.

But now Christmas is over... and the only thing I have left on the horizon is Ellie's 1st birthday on January 24th. I see babies everyday and wonder what she (you, my dear sweet little girl) would be like right now. That thought passes through my mind before I even realize that is what I'm thinking.

But - I have decided that I would like to grieve for her by celebrating her life. I'm not really sure yet how I'm going to do that - but it's my goal for next year. Get out of the pitty rut that I've been in for the past 11 months and contribute something good to the world.

Well - it's back to square one.

I went to see a different RE just because I had a feeling that my first surgery wasn't as successful as my previous RE seemed to think. And - what a suprise - I was right.

I still have a significant amount of the original septum left. So January 15th I'll have surgery #2.

When we started ttc again after Ellie I told myself if it hadn't happened by December - that was really it. I told myslef the same thing after our IVF cycle. That if it didn't happen I wasn't meant to have a biological child. Even though I should be - I'm not ready to give up yet.

T is beyond the point of wanting to keep trying. He was done with the ttc scene before our IVF cycle in September. Now I'm telling him that I'm going to have another surgery because the first one, that he didn't want me to have anyway, didn't work.

What's even worse is I kept procrastinating on making travel plans for our anniversary in December because I kept telling myself that we wouldn't be able to go anyway - I'd be pregnat. Well, I'm not and it's kind of to late to make any plans.

My next deadline is June - my 38th birthday. That really has to be the end. At a certain point I need to concentrate on learning to love what I already have not chase what I don't.

Someone we hadn't spoken to since May gave us the most amazing gift this weekend. It is a Christmas ornament with Ellie's name and birth date. How could something so simple and so small mean so much? It means that someone else remembers her. Someone else thought that her short life was important enough to acknowledge. To me, that's powerful.

Thank you Christy & Darrell.

Sometimes love lasts a moment
Sometimes love lasts a lifetime
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

Author Unknown

Letting go

I keep asking myself how a person lets go of a dream?

Is it a slow process? Like driving away in a car and watching something familar slip over the horizon?

Or should it be fast? Like quitting smoking cold turkey? It is an addiction of sorts isn't it?

Sometimes I wish I was a drug addict. I think people would be much more understanding.

10 months yesterday... almost a year of my life gone. Amelia still asks why her sister had to go away. I wish I knew.

Last year at Thanksgiving we told everyone that we were pregnant. This year I will taking pretty fall flowers to my daughter's grave. Not really fair is it. But what is fair anyway...

I went to see a new RE today. Not really sure why right now - but it helps me deal with things if I have a project. For the last 7 months that project has been conception. I told myself after the huge dissapointment with IVF that I was DONE - over it - never going there again. That was all of 2 months ago... But now I think I have perspective. Nothing unrealistic - just a glimmer of hope that I don't want to let die.

I'm having another sonohystogram done next Tuesday. Hopefully that will tell me if there is any chance at another pregnancy. If it looks good and the septum really is gone then I'll keep trying. If it doesn't look good and I need another surgery - I'll really have to think about things.

10 months that have changed the course of my life.