35 wk ultrasound

Before I let you go on - I just want to share how much it means to me that everyone who reads this blog has been following along to support my journey. I know that for many of you it isn't easy to hear and see details of this pregnancy. I'm sorry for all of the hurt and pain that each of you have to bear. I feel very, very lucky to have found such an amazing community of mothers to lean on and learn from. Thank you all for being my inspiration!

Now...

Baby is doing great!!! He already weighs 5 lbs 13oz.

We had the best ultrasound today - the sonographer got us some great pictures. We got to watch him chew on his hands and roll around. It was pretty cool! She even said that she doesn't usually get to see such a show off. He was even smiling for some of the pictures. She also told us that she could tell he was going to be born with hair. She could see it on the ultrasound.


I forgot the best part! My BP was AWESOME today!!! It continues to be high at home - but when the nurse took it during the NST it was the best it's been all week!

Emotional Landmine

I thought signing up for the prepared childbirth class at the hospital was the responsible thing to do. And I guess it is if you are a blissfully ignorant first timer it is. Me on the other hand - I guess I've just seen to much in my own life and your stories.

It started out great. Good information, nice people, what seemed like a great instructor... Then is just got hard.

It was just so emotional to sit there and talk about labor and birth and what it will feel like and what to expect. I know (or at least I have a lot of hope) that this time it will a completely different experience. Even though this birth will hopefully have a happy ending my journey to it wasn't exactly filled with joy.

I don't even remember exactly what set me off yesterday, but it must have been the (far to short and glossed over) conversation yesterday about PE. Not even a blip on the minds of a single mom in the room besides me. No one gave a second thought to the mothers and babies that die because of PE.

And then there was the endless discussion about how bad and horrible induction was... (yes, for my own health and the health of my child I am being induced...) Not a single person in that room took a minute to consider there might be a perfectly good reason for a Dr. to schedule an induction. Yes, there was a film about one mom who was induced for being 2 weeks over due - but I guess in every other circumstance it's selfish of the mom to agree to an induction.

Then there was a film about the actual birth that showed dozens of happy healthy little babies being handed to the happy alert moms and dads. I had to get up and leave for most of that one. I just completely lost it at that point. I did this. I had a baby. I was in labor and gave birth. But I didn't get to hear her cry. I didn't get to see her beautiful eyes looking back at me. I got to watch my daughter slowly fade away. How do you relive those moments in a room full of strangers who are completely immune to tragedy? I sat in the bathroom balling my eyes out wondering what in the hell I was doing there.

Signing up for this class I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be the happy almost full term pregnant lady learning about what comes next. But I guess I needed one more reminder that is far from what I am.

Don't get me wrong. I am happy that we took the class - there were some very useful tips and ideas for what to bring along to help with labor and being at the hospital. But for the most part - I am very disappointed that there wasn't more open and honest discussion about how each pregnancy is different with different circumstances and different needs and how that is OK too.

Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

I've been really struck by these questions and many of the answers I've read.

I'm coming up on 2 years since my daughter's death. I dont' know if I can say I miss her so much as I miss the idea of what she would have been. I miss what our family would have been if she had survived. I miss being able to see Yaya and her sister grow up together. I see my neices who are the same ages that Yaya and Ellie would have been and wonder if they would have a similar relationship.

During this pregnancy I have thought about Ellie a lot. I wonder what could have been different if anything had someone noticed what was going on sooner. I wonder if we would have made it any further along - giving her a better chance to survive.

My grandmother died in September. Yaya likes to think of her in heaven with Ellie. I don't know what I think. I've never been able to resolve all of that in my own heart and mind. But I do know that I've always felt a connection between Grams and Ellie. From the moment she was born I thought she looked just like my grandmother. For most of my pregnancy with Ellie I really thought we would name her Charlotte (my grandmother's name) - but we changed our minds at the hospital after we found out she wasn't going to make it.

I think I have found peace. I haven't forgotten or even gotten past what happened - but I do think that I can accept it as part of who I am and what my family is.

Pictures....

Sorry - they are terrible pictures taken as I was rushing out the door this morning - but hopefully you will get the idea. The room is about 1/2 done - T still needs to paint the animals, the curtains need to be hemmed and I'm not ready to put in the bedding - but it feels good to be this far!

Not great news on the BP front... I was hoping that it would settle back down once the sickness was being treated but it hasn't so far. No big jumps yet - but it hovers just below to high for comfort. Big boy doesn't seem to mind... he's gotten super active lately. If I am sitting in a position he doesn't like he lets me know!

Just in case you are dying to know more about whooping cough - check out this link... I guess it's more common than most people think it is.

I'm sorry if I seemed glib about the PE symptoms. I guess I was just on a "high" after getting the induction news and nothing else was really sinking in yet (I just can't tell you how much of a relief that was!). Given how quickly it moved for me last time we are all going to stay on top of it. I've gotten to far this time around to let anything happen. I'm trying to be cool and relaxed. Freaking myself out about it isn't going to do either one of us any good.

In really great news - T finished painting last night and put the furniture together today. I can't wait to get home and see it! I promise to post pictures once the room is done. T said the furniture and the walls looked great together. He was worried about my color choices until now.

Who would have guessed....

...I have whooping cough.

Yes, that old fashioned sickness that you never hear about anymore. How in the world did I manage to get whooping cough you might wonder? Honestly - I have no clue. But now I have some bright shiny new antibiotics that will hopefully eliminate this evil cough sooner rather than later because I'd really like to get some sleep in the last month before we are invaded by a hungry newborn.

Besides the whole whooping cough thing today was a pretty productive visit at the MFM.

Baby was great for the NST. My uterus on the other hand was not - it has gotten irritable. Personally - I think it's just pissed off by all the coughing - but that's just my non-medical opinion. So now I'm doing NSTs 2x a week - just to make sure.

Also in the not so great news department - my BP is officially up and there is protein in my urine. Nothing dangerous but it's time to start watching things a little more closely.

And the really big - super exciting news for the control freak in me.... WE HAVE A DATE!!!! The whole baby birthing process will officially start December 5th! Now every one that needs to be here can make travel plans and we don't have to stress about what to do with YaYa when it's time. Some one will be here and ready to take over for a few days. This is also assuming that everything stays the same for me and Big Boy between now and then.

Walking out of the office today with that date all set and ready was such a wonderful feeling! It was like a huge stressful weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I can relax and plan the next month out in detail!!!

Ugh...

I have gotten a terrible, miserable something or other that has me coughing constantly! As if my stomach muscles weren't sore enough from being stretched to the limit. I have to brace myself everytime I feel a cough coming on - otherwise it feels like I am going to split my ribcage in two!

I don't want to go to the clinic because I am more worried about picking up something more dangerous than what I already have so I'm going to wait it out until my MFM appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping she will give me some thing to reduce the coughing - but most likely not.

I'm just exhausted from all the coughing...and the crazy weekend schedule.

Saturday we did an infant care class - nothing to in depth, just how to handle a brand new baby once you get home. (Yes, we have a daughter - but she was already 10 months old when she got to come home with us. So no previous newborn experience for either of us.) Mostly standard stuff - but one more thing that made us realize we need to get ready for this baby sooner rather than later.

Then Sunday I did a breastfeeding class. Sorry - but this scared the crap out of me!!! Something that seemed so natural and uncomplicated now seems like this monumental task to be undertaken. Maybe I'm just going completely wacko in these last few weeks... I hope it turns out tobe much easier than it seems!

But the biggest news of all !!!!! We bought furniture this weekend (It is currently sitting in boxes in our dining room but hey - it's a start!) and T is going to paint the room this week!!! Maybe by next week (if I'm lucky) I'll be able to post some baby room pictures.

Keep your fingers crossed that I get rid of this cough soon - it's miserable!!!