22w1d

Today I am 22w1d with big boy...

At 22w1d with Ellie we had our first unsuccessful amnioinfusion.

Dr. E wasn't excited about doing it - but we pushed her a little bit and she agreed to try it because she thought it might help them diagnose what was wrong. But it didn't end up working. They couldn't find a pocket around the baby big enough to inject the fluid into and my body ended up reabsorbing all of the fluid.

Even though she was so close to the age of viability the lack of amniotic fluid meant that her lungs were severly underdeveloped. We hoped that a successful amnio infusion would last a week or even a few days to help her lungs.

At this point there was still no mention of PE.


This is Ellie's profile at 22w1d. I can see how strange it looks now...there are no beautiful dark areas surrounding her face.

Hoping

A really good friend and co-worked is starting stims for IVF tomorrow. She and her husband have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years. But because of bad luck and a lot of scar tissue they haven't been successful. I want this to work for her so badly.



We have both been trying to get pregnant for almost as long as we've known each other. But it wasn't until last year that we both started talking about it. I always assumed that she and her husband only wanted one child. And I guess it was obvious that T & I weren't expecting to get pregnant after we adopted YaYa.



But there we were... we've worked together for 10 years at least... and are just now starting to find the support and understanding that we could have had years ago.



But now I'm pregnant and she's not. My two surgeries were able to do what three surgeries for her were not. As she starts IVF full of hope, my belly grows - and she is forced to watch.



I want this so much for her. I want this for all of my blogger world friends too. It hurts me because I know how hard it is to see happy little pregnancy announcements amd pictures.



I would change the world for all of you if I could. I hope I don't offend anyone here. And I hope I don't cause any more pain or hurt with my stupid words and compalints. I hope I'm not that person who gets pregnant and forgets everything that came before.

Sorry!

OK - I apologize for the whiney post earlier... I know there are many of you who are currently pregnant and would wish to have the puny little problems I am having right now! I was having a feel sorry for myself moment.

Whine much?

OK - before I start... I just need to whine for a minute...

This weeks' lovenox shots are killing me. It seems like I've forgoten how to insert the needle without searing pain and then when I do finally inject the miserable stuff (don't get me wrong... I do love it, well, at least the idea of what it is allowing to happen) and pull out the needle I bleed all over the place for a few minutes. So I've started putting a little bandaid on the spot to keep it from getting all over my clothes. Yesterday, I peeled of the morning band aid and all the skin came off with it. OMG! It is the most irritatingly painful injury I've had in a while. T put another bigger band aid on the area to protect it - but that almost hurts worse! (Sorry... sometimes I just need a little sympathy!)

On to the real question of the day... What should I knit? I've been working on little hats and blankets for the hospital where my MIL works off and on this summer, but now I want to make something for Big Boy. I've pretty much decided the last blanket I made wa going to be for him but I want to make something else that was his from the very beginning. I've got a couple of options - take a look and tell me what you think....

1. There is the very practical button up bunting sack and another version...that I really love.

2. There is the adorable pants and sweater set - that might just drive me crazy to work on but I really love the striped pants in this set...

3. There is another practical but still very cute one piece outfit.... (I see this as a "snowsuit" kind of thing to be used as an outer layer over clothes)

4. Any other ideas????

I promise I'll post some hat pictures. Some are boring but lately I've tried a few stitch and color details that I think turned out kind of cute.

Melt my heart...

YaYa told us this weekend that it wasn't fair that we got to "wear" baby Ellie and she didn't. It took us a while to figure out she was talking about our tatoos. So we gave her one too...

I think the idea of a new baby coming along is weighing heavily on her mind too. She talks a lot about her baby sister lately. Kind of like she wants to remind us that we shouldn't forget Ellie because there is a new baby on the way.

The Secret Garden Meeting - August

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I don't really imagine Ellie as anything other than the tiny infant she was when she was born. She is more of an ethereal dream child than anything real and solid.

Sometimes I daydream about what she possibly could have been had she lived - but mostly my thoughts are centered around the fuzzy memories I have of my time in the hospital. For me the most vivid and touching memory of her is before she was born when I finally got to feel her tumble and dance for the first time after the amnioinfusion.

We talk about her all the time, especially YaYa. But she seems less and less real as more time passes.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

I am currently 20wks into my second pregnancy. I haven't given much thought to delivery yet. I'm kind of taking things one day / one week at a time. But mostly - I don't care how this baby is born as long as he is healthy. I will most likely go with what ever my Dr says is best for the baby.

Slamming Open the Door - Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno

Do any of you listen to "Fresh Air" on public radio? Did you hear the story a few nights ago about Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno, the mother who wrote an incredible book of poetry after her daughter was murdered?

I didn't get to hear it at the time - but T did... normally he doesn't have the patience to listen to this kind of thing - but this one held his attention. So I listened today and was blow away...

The book is currently out of stock - but I can't wait to order it as soon as they get more.

Here is an excerpt from one of her poems...

Death Barged In
In his Russian greatcoat,
slamming open the door
with an unpardonable bang,
and he has been here ever since.

He changes everything,
rearranges the furniture,
his hand hovers
by the phone;
he will answer now, he says;
he will be the answer.

Tonight he sits down to dinner
at the head of the table
as we eat, mute;
later, he climbs into bed
between us.

Even as I sit here,
he stands behind me
clamping two
colossal hands on my shoulders
and bends down
and whispers to my neck:
From now on,
you write about me.