My answer to Bluebird about adoption

I started typing this as a comment on Bluebird's blog but it got to big and long. Check out her post to see where this all came from.

Sorry in advance - this is probably going to be LONG.

Adoption always was an option for me...for some reason it just always felt right. I guess I just feel like my DNA is no more special than anyone else's. And I never really was one to get all excited about the miracle of childbirth. (still not - but I don't really have much choice in the matter do I)

Most of you who read this blog already know that I have a 4yo adopted daughter.

There was no second thought when we adopted her. We never had a doubt that was what we needed to do to create our family. So we slogged through the paperwork and spent 10 long months waiting for the court system in a foreign country to give us their stamp of approval.

After the adoption was completed - I was OK with never getting pregnant. I had a beautiful, wonderful daughter and husband. That was all I'd ever wanted. We talked here and there about another adoption but the time never quite was right.

But then when we finally did feel like we were ready to start a second adoption - I got pregnant - completely by chance. It took a long time to get used to being pregnant. I wasn't prepared for it mentally. I really didn't think it was ever a possibility for us. But then when it finally settled in and we felt pretty good about it. Disaster hit. My daughter Ellie was born at 23 weeks and died in my husband's arms a few hours later.

After Ellie died there was this huge hole left in my heart and our family. So in a grief cloud I started doing anything I could to get pregnant again. I now realize I really was trying to replace what I had just lost. Terrible to say but it's really true. I wanted her back and was willing to do anything to make it happen. Against my own better judgement and my husbands, I charged ahead with IVF. I was bound and determined to make a pregnancy happen.

The IUI's and IVF cycles were a bust - but my last ditch cycle, where I used up my leftover IVF meds and skipped the IUI part, turned out successful. I'm now 14 weeks pregnant.

I worry - everyday about how this pregnancy and how it came to be will affect "A". I don't want it to hurt her. I don't want it to make her wonder about why we chose adoption. I don't want it in any way to make her feel less important.

I do know that she worries about us being a family when the new baby comes. I also know that she worries about us being different. But we are working on all of that. And I really do think we've made some progress. She told us last night at the dinner table that we are a family even if we are different.

At the same time I see how excited she is to have a brother or sister on the way. Ever since Ellie died "A" has been asking about a sibling. She talks about the baby a lot and has all sorts of things planned. She wants the baby to sleep in her room so it won't be lonely. (this one really made me teary eyed..)

So just like everything - there is good and bad. I just have to believe that the good will outweigh the bad over the course of a lifetime. I don't have any answers and I don't know what the future will hold but I have to believe that with lots of love all of my children will eventually understand the choices I made on my journey to motherhood. In different ways at different times I fought with all of my heart to welcome them into our family.

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

Happy Birthday MOM!!!! She's my rock and my inspiration!
38 years ago she was still in the hospital with me on her birthday!!

This one is right after my parents got engaged in 1965

This one is after they got married - but not sure what year

Wedding - August 1965

This one is from my Mom's high school homecoming...

Unfortunately

Sorry - but I love stuff like this! Thanks to Niobe for the idea! Essentially, google “unfortunately, [your name]” and share the results. I had to try it.

• Unfortunately, Donna's pediatrician did not diagnose her condition as characteristic of metabolic syndrome
• 'Oh, unfortunately Donna's injured. Will she come back? We don't know'
• Unfortunately, Donna is not active at this time, due to a car accident in which she was hit by a drunk driver
• Unfortunately Donna was forced to retire, due to illness, shortly before the school opened
• Unfortunately, Donna gets little time on the fairways. She's too busy getting us clients and making sure we deliver great work for them
• Unfortunately, Donna's marriage isn't in as good shape. We learn that she and David, now a successful music producer in Japan, are separated

Not much to update - here. I just feel guilty when I don't post for a few days. I lead a boring life what can I say!

But i really dolove reading and keeping up with all of you out there in blog land.

I'm trying really hard not to focus on the growing panic I feel as the weeks progress in this pregnancy. I try to imagine what it will be like to bring a baby home - but I'm not quite there yet. There's just to much time for things to go wrong.

I have another Dr's appointment on the 30th - two weeks away. It's so hard to wait. I keep imagining what is going wrong inside my body that I don't know about. Last time - no one knew that I was slowly killing my child - how is this time going to be any different. I find it really hard to beleive my MFM when she reassures me that it will all be OK. How can she be so sure??? No one thought anything would happen last time either and it did.

At the same time I'm feeling all this worry - I still stop and look at the baby stuff whenever I'm at target - wondering when it will feel safe enough to buy something.

Sorry - didn't mean to turn this into a downer... I guess I'm just struggling to keep everything in perspective right now.

Happy birthday to me!

Yep - 38 years ago today (after many, many hours of labor as my mother often reminds me) I was born - I think it was 9:30 pm... but I never remember.

I have nothing planned for today other than to lay around, eat Indian food at my favorite restaurant and have my favorite birthday cake. I made the cake for myself last night...angel food cake with boiled frosting. It's what my grandmother always made for me on my birthday growing up. I haven't had it in years and so I decided to make my own this year.

And one of those cool little coincidences - I happen to be 14 weeks on the 14th!!! Things like that always make me feel better for some reason. Like this pregnancy was meant to be. But I guess I'm just superstitious.

Fennel

How does one cook or eat fennel????

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

I don't even know if I should write about this here - but it is MY blog...

I have a situation with someone who may or may not read this blog (thanks to an unwanted public link to this blog...) but I really need some advice. If I tell my husband then he will get mad at this person and it will become an even larger mess than it already is. It all stems from an unanswered e-mail in an account that I rarely check (and yes - this person has several others ways of contacting me). I responded as soon as I saw the e-mail but now this person is not talking to me. It's creating stress where there really does not need to be any.