We had a meeting this afternoon with one of our customers - not a big customer, and not one we do a lot of business with - but this company does have potential to be a big customer... BUT the buyer for this company is the BIGGEST B**** I have ever encountered. Every word out of her mouth was some kind of underhanded slam on our company, our line and our talent as designers - or if it wasn't a slam on us, it was to tell us how wonderful and amazing she was at her job. I mean seriously EVERY single word!! I know I will have to continue to work with this person - but I am not looking forward to it.
I am really wishing for a big cold beer right now...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
T I R E D!!!!
This week has flown by! I've been doing customer showings of our newly released fabric line from morning to evening. It has me wiped out! But it's good - my job is stressful and demanding -but I love it anyway.
I had a really interesting conversation with A this morning. We were talking about Ellie. "A" first asked if she "got dead on her and had to go to heaven." I said no, that's not how it works and then she asked why she died and I tried to explain to her that she was just to little to survive and that her lungs didn't know how to work yet when she was born. Sometimes it's hard to tell if she gets what I'm saying or not. After a while she asked if the new baby was going to be dead to. Talk about the heart of the matter... that's the question we'd all love to have the answer to.
As each day clicks by I get more and more worried that I am a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. I can be serene and nonchalant on the out side -but in my heart and in my head I'm in a panic.
Please keep a couple of my friends/ co-workers in your thoughts and prayers. One just lost her first baby at almost 4 months. She doesn't have a blog but needs all of the love and support she can get right now. The other is almost 5 months pregnant and really struggling. She has been on and off of bed rest already several times. She needs all the support she can get too.
I had a really interesting conversation with A this morning. We were talking about Ellie. "A" first asked if she "got dead on her and had to go to heaven." I said no, that's not how it works and then she asked why she died and I tried to explain to her that she was just to little to survive and that her lungs didn't know how to work yet when she was born. Sometimes it's hard to tell if she gets what I'm saying or not. After a while she asked if the new baby was going to be dead to. Talk about the heart of the matter... that's the question we'd all love to have the answer to.
As each day clicks by I get more and more worried that I am a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. I can be serene and nonchalant on the out side -but in my heart and in my head I'm in a panic.
Please keep a couple of my friends/ co-workers in your thoughts and prayers. One just lost her first baby at almost 4 months. She doesn't have a blog but needs all of the love and support she can get right now. The other is almost 5 months pregnant and really struggling. She has been on and off of bed rest already several times. She needs all the support she can get too.
Monday, June 8, 2009
DNA
My daughter carries someone else's DNA.
"A" was born in another country to a woman I wonder about every day. I have one slightly blurry photo of this woman holding a our beautiful daughter. I haven't looked at this photo in a while - but I wonder if this is what my daughter will look like in 15 years. I give this woman my never ending thanks for choosing to give us such a special gift.
"A" was cared for by a second woman for 10 long months while our case wound its' way through the court system. I have pictures from this period of my daughter's life too. Random shots of Connie and her family holding and playing with my daughter. She was always a beautiful and happy baby. This is the woman I have to thank for giving "A" all of the love and attention babies need to develop into wonderful children and adults. I couldn't be there to hold and love her but Connie did as good of a job as I could have done myself. Otherwise A wouldn't be as amazing as she is now.
But now - she is here with me, with us - we are a family and have been for 3 1/2 years already. I see myself and my husband in her every day.
I didn't decide to adopt a child because I felt like I would be doing a good deed. I (we) decided to adopt a child because we wanted a family. I selfishly wanted to be a mother and my own body could not provide me with a child. My husband and I knew that we wanted children. This was the route that we chose. We chose it above RE's and IVF because it just felt right for us. We first spoke with and adoption agency in May of 2004. It took us until September to make a final decision. With a lot of hard work and paper chasing we were ready to submit final paperwork to Guatemala in January 2005. We got our first pictures of A less than a month later when she was 8 days old. We brought her home with us 10 long months later.
Since that time our life has taken us down many different paths. Just as we were considering a second adoption we got pregnant on our own. That pregnancy ended in tragedy (and the creation of this blog...). That tragedy lead me on a headstrong battle to fix what went wrong and do it again. If it happened once - it WILL happen again. But honestly I don't know if everything I put myself and my family through in the last 16 months was really neccessary. It seemed like it at the time. But now - thinking everything through with a less clouded mind I wonder. Don't get me wrong - I am overjoyed to be where I am right now. I just wonder if I really needed to push so hard to get here. Or if eventually I would have gone back to being completely OK with infertility and it's lack of concrete answers. Becaus I know deep down in my heart - DNA doesn't mean a thing one way or the other when you love a child.
"A" was born in another country to a woman I wonder about every day. I have one slightly blurry photo of this woman holding a our beautiful daughter. I haven't looked at this photo in a while - but I wonder if this is what my daughter will look like in 15 years. I give this woman my never ending thanks for choosing to give us such a special gift.
"A" was cared for by a second woman for 10 long months while our case wound its' way through the court system. I have pictures from this period of my daughter's life too. Random shots of Connie and her family holding and playing with my daughter. She was always a beautiful and happy baby. This is the woman I have to thank for giving "A" all of the love and attention babies need to develop into wonderful children and adults. I couldn't be there to hold and love her but Connie did as good of a job as I could have done myself. Otherwise A wouldn't be as amazing as she is now.
But now - she is here with me, with us - we are a family and have been for 3 1/2 years already. I see myself and my husband in her every day.
I didn't decide to adopt a child because I felt like I would be doing a good deed. I (we) decided to adopt a child because we wanted a family. I selfishly wanted to be a mother and my own body could not provide me with a child. My husband and I knew that we wanted children. This was the route that we chose. We chose it above RE's and IVF because it just felt right for us. We first spoke with and adoption agency in May of 2004. It took us until September to make a final decision. With a lot of hard work and paper chasing we were ready to submit final paperwork to Guatemala in January 2005. We got our first pictures of A less than a month later when she was 8 days old. We brought her home with us 10 long months later.
Since that time our life has taken us down many different paths. Just as we were considering a second adoption we got pregnant on our own. That pregnancy ended in tragedy (and the creation of this blog...). That tragedy lead me on a headstrong battle to fix what went wrong and do it again. If it happened once - it WILL happen again. But honestly I don't know if everything I put myself and my family through in the last 16 months was really neccessary. It seemed like it at the time. But now - thinking everything through with a less clouded mind I wonder. Don't get me wrong - I am overjoyed to be where I am right now. I just wonder if I really needed to push so hard to get here. Or if eventually I would have gone back to being completely OK with infertility and it's lack of concrete answers. Becaus I know deep down in my heart - DNA doesn't mean a thing one way or the other when you love a child.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The cat's out of the bag...
We finally told A what was going on last night. She has know for a while that something is up, with me going to the Dr. all the time and doing the shots. (which fascinates her... if I do one without her she gets upset.) We asked her if she knew what was happening - she just said simply Mommy's sick again. I wish that she didn't have to know what that meant as a 4yo - but she does. So we told her what was really going on.
I don't know what we were so worried about she was beside herself with excitement. She "really wants a sister or a brother" and kept saying I think it's a girl or maybe a boy. She even suggested some names... Snow White, Carrot, Nala and Elmo. And she's also convinced that since the baby will be here at about Christmas time that Santa is bringing it to us.
With that major success to bouy us up we told T's parents over the phone too. Slowly everyone is getting the news and soon if if they haven't been told they will know just by looking at me something is up.
Then at bed time we had a short talk with A about how we will always be family and we will always love her and Ellie and the new baby too. Somehow she has it in her head that once the new baby comes we won't be her Mommy & Daddy any more. It breaks my heart to hear her say this and I really hope that we can reassure her enough that she is convinced that will never happen. The next six months will be spent helping her understand how amazing and wonderful and perfect she is.
I wish I could tell her that I worry more about loving and caring for a biological child than I ever did about her. She is the most perfect child. I could not have asked or prayed for any child that is more right for T & I. It is hard to believe that any parenting situation can be as heartbreakingly wonderful as it has been for the past 3 1/2 years with A. Genetically she may not be related to me in any way but she is the child I have dreamed of my entire life.
I want to thank Michele for her wonderful comments to my last post. It really helps to hear from someone on the other side of adoption. And I will borrow her Mom's words of wisdom and share them with "A".
I don't know what we were so worried about she was beside herself with excitement. She "really wants a sister or a brother" and kept saying I think it's a girl or maybe a boy. She even suggested some names... Snow White, Carrot, Nala and Elmo. And she's also convinced that since the baby will be here at about Christmas time that Santa is bringing it to us.
With that major success to bouy us up we told T's parents over the phone too. Slowly everyone is getting the news and soon if if they haven't been told they will know just by looking at me something is up.
Then at bed time we had a short talk with A about how we will always be family and we will always love her and Ellie and the new baby too. Somehow she has it in her head that once the new baby comes we won't be her Mommy & Daddy any more. It breaks my heart to hear her say this and I really hope that we can reassure her enough that she is convinced that will never happen. The next six months will be spent helping her understand how amazing and wonderful and perfect she is.
I wish I could tell her that I worry more about loving and caring for a biological child than I ever did about her. She is the most perfect child. I could not have asked or prayed for any child that is more right for T & I. It is hard to believe that any parenting situation can be as heartbreakingly wonderful as it has been for the past 3 1/2 years with A. Genetically she may not be related to me in any way but she is the child I have dreamed of my entire life.
I want to thank Michele for her wonderful comments to my last post. It really helps to hear from someone on the other side of adoption. And I will borrow her Mom's words of wisdom and share them with "A".
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I've got way to many thoughts racing around in my head. It feels like forever since I've had actual time to sit down and think about writing a good post. (sorry - today I'm to scattered to do it either)
The Dr's office is still working with the insurance company to get the Lov.e.nox covered. I'm hoping to have a final answer by Monday. I just hope I don't have to coordinate all of this discussion every month.
This will hopefully make you chuckle... A's new nickname for T is "Big Belly" She walks up to him and slaps her hand on his stomach and says "Hey Big Belly" I laugh every time. To "A" being "big" is the best compliment a person can get or give. Every night after dinner she sticks out her stomach as far as it will go and says "look how big I am Mommy"
A is starting to become aware of the differences in how we look. She's noticed that her skin color is brown and I'm extremely white. We've always talked about her adoption but now I think we need to start talking more in depth about us as a family and what that means. It also makes me worry about the effect of having a biological child in the family. (That's a whole other post...)
But for now - We're going to have a quiet weekend and I'm off to watch Sesame Street and eat pancakes.
The Dr's office is still working with the insurance company to get the Lov.e.nox covered. I'm hoping to have a final answer by Monday. I just hope I don't have to coordinate all of this discussion every month.
This will hopefully make you chuckle... A's new nickname for T is "Big Belly" She walks up to him and slaps her hand on his stomach and says "Hey Big Belly" I laugh every time. To "A" being "big" is the best compliment a person can get or give. Every night after dinner she sticks out her stomach as far as it will go and says "look how big I am Mommy"
A is starting to become aware of the differences in how we look. She's noticed that her skin color is brown and I'm extremely white. We've always talked about her adoption but now I think we need to start talking more in depth about us as a family and what that means. It also makes me worry about the effect of having a biological child in the family. (That's a whole other post...)
But for now - We're going to have a quiet weekend and I'm off to watch Sesame Street and eat pancakes.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Major headache!!!
I'm beyond words at this point - but suffice it to say... right now I HATE insurance companies.
Mine is making it very difficult to get my Lovenox refilled. Because for some reason they just don't see the need for me to be on Lovenox.
Keep your fingers crossed that the Peri's office can get it all sorted out.
Mine is making it very difficult to get my Lovenox refilled. Because for some reason they just don't see the need for me to be on Lovenox.
Keep your fingers crossed that the Peri's office can get it all sorted out.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Finally - a picture...
Sorry - wasn't sure I was ready to post one before now... seeing the ultrasound pictures reminds me of Ellie.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)