Sorry for the long week with out posts. Everyday seemed to hold it's own new work crisis that took every ounce of my energy. We have a huge sales presentation next Friday. My partner / co-director (not really sure what else to call her...we have the same position) and I decided Thursday to completely revise and revamp the presentation. I'm glad we did - because it will be a much fresher, more interesting way to present our new line - but it means a TON of work for us. And on top of that we have / had a house full of guests this weekend.
Everyone came to watch A in her first ballet preformance last night. She was so cute in her costumes. She didn't dance a bit but she did make it onto the stage. As shy as she is - that's a major accomplishment. (The whole performance story is a post in it's self...)
On to my real issue / dilemma... My Mom is here with us for the next few days from WI. I want to tell her about the pregnancy. But I can't. Everytime I open my mouth to tell her I clam up. She can tell something is up because I'm acting wierd - but she hasn't asked so far. I want her to ask so I am forced to tell her but I really don't think she will. OMG - I'm completely f***ed in the head. Why is it so darn hard to just come out and say it??? I had no problem blurting it out here - the day I found out. Why can't I just let everyone IRL in on it too. I know they will all be thrilled for us.
I keep telling myself it's for A's sake. I don't want to let her in on the pregnancy until much later. She was so hurt and confused after Ellie's death that I can't think about what another loss would do to her. She knows something is going on - because of the questions she keeps asking - she just hasn't worked out the details yet. But I'm sure that won't take her long.
I tried to talk to T about it - but he went the opposite direction, thinking that I wanted to keep this pregnancy a secret just for us. But that's not it either - I am OK with other people knowing now. I just can't tell them.
I can't let my Mom go home without telling her - but I'm afraid I'm going to wait until we are in the car on the way to the airport - and that will just be wierdly uncomfortable.
Why can't I just be normal and sane????
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Update after clinic visit
Everything is OK!!!! Heartbeat is excellent and the placenta looks good. Baby is right on track for size too.
Whew.... that made me feel much better.
There is no good explanation for the bleeding other than the Lovenox. I didn't see my normal Dr. - but that was OK. It turns out that they've added a lot of new Dr's to the staff since I was there with Ellie. Kind of nice to know that they are growing. Dr. C did say that there is some indication that bleeding in early pregnancy is a warning sign of possible preeclampsia, but we were already expecting that anyway. (another "duh" moment for me - since so many women who had preeclampsia are on Lovenox and Lovenox tends to cause bleeding... but that's just me)
So everything is good. I just need to take it as easy as possible. There's still a little bit of bleeding but unless it gets worse or there is heavy cramping I'm just going to have to live with it for now.
I will say I'm getting a little spoiled with all of the ultrasounds this pregnancy. (my insurance company might not be to happy with it soon - but I'll take the little joys as they come...)
Whew.... that made me feel much better.
There is no good explanation for the bleeding other than the Lovenox. I didn't see my normal Dr. - but that was OK. It turns out that they've added a lot of new Dr's to the staff since I was there with Ellie. Kind of nice to know that they are growing. Dr. C did say that there is some indication that bleeding in early pregnancy is a warning sign of possible preeclampsia, but we were already expecting that anyway. (another "duh" moment for me - since so many women who had preeclampsia are on Lovenox and Lovenox tends to cause bleeding... but that's just me)
So everything is good. I just need to take it as easy as possible. There's still a little bit of bleeding but unless it gets worse or there is heavy cramping I'm just going to have to live with it for now.
I will say I'm getting a little spoiled with all of the ultrasounds this pregnancy. (my insurance company might not be to happy with it soon - but I'll take the little joys as they come...)
Sigh...
I knew this wasn't giong to be an easy pregnncy - but for some reason most of my worries would come later but that's where I was wrong.
I started bleeding during the night on Sunday - not a tone, but enough to make a mess (sorry...tmi...) but it had mostly stopped by the time I got up on Monday. I called the clinic but they were closed so I called the Dr. on call at the hospital. He said bleeding was very common for women on Lovenox. (yes, thank you I knew that...) and not to worry about it since it had stopped. OK - this Dr. works for a MFM clinic, where they only see high risk paitients... HELLO - "don't worry about it"????? Who says that to someone with a high risk pregnancy???
The bleeding did come back later on during the day with mild cramping (but that might have been my overactive brain by that point). Not nearly as much but still definate bright red blood.
I'm hoping when I call my clinic this morning and talk to Dr. J's nurse she will tell me to come in and check it out. I could at least calm my racing mind.
That's all I really wanted yesterday when I called the on-call service. I know bleeding is common especially for someone on Lovenox - but when it is happening to you it doesn't feel like someting to be calm and rational about.
I started bleeding during the night on Sunday - not a tone, but enough to make a mess (sorry...tmi...) but it had mostly stopped by the time I got up on Monday. I called the clinic but they were closed so I called the Dr. on call at the hospital. He said bleeding was very common for women on Lovenox. (yes, thank you I knew that...) and not to worry about it since it had stopped. OK - this Dr. works for a MFM clinic, where they only see high risk paitients... HELLO - "don't worry about it"????? Who says that to someone with a high risk pregnancy???
The bleeding did come back later on during the day with mild cramping (but that might have been my overactive brain by that point). Not nearly as much but still definate bright red blood.
I'm hoping when I call my clinic this morning and talk to Dr. J's nurse she will tell me to come in and check it out. I could at least calm my racing mind.
That's all I really wanted yesterday when I called the on-call service. I know bleeding is common especially for someone on Lovenox - but when it is happening to you it doesn't feel like someting to be calm and rational about.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Spoiler
OK - I'm a sucker... I bought the Intelligender test last week. I'm one of those people who just can't stand not to know. Even watching movies - I'd much rather know what was coming up than wait to find out. (This completely drive T nuts...) Birthdays - I've bought my own gifts from about 12yo on... terrible but true...
I've been debating all week about doing it or not doing it. So today I took the test....
There is an 82% chance that it is a BOY... (OK - I understand that we won't know for sure for a while yet...but I will know eventually)
The whole time I was pregnant with Ellie we were convinced that she was going to be a boy. This time I really thought it would be another little girl. Guess I'm just completely of base.
I've been debating all week about doing it or not doing it. So today I took the test....
There is an 82% chance that it is a BOY... (OK - I understand that we won't know for sure for a while yet...but I will know eventually)
The whole time I was pregnant with Ellie we were convinced that she was going to be a boy. This time I really thought it would be another little girl. Guess I'm just completely of base.
Did you know?
My boss sent me the link to this video. It's a pretty cool way of communicating how quickly our world has changed and continues to change.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9Wu2kWwSY
(Sorry - I couldn't figure out how to make the actual video show up in my blog post... I'm a bit technologically chanllenged!)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Thanks!
Thank you for all your kind comments to my post yesterday. It made me feel a little better to finally come out and say what I've been feeling for so long. I guess her due date affected me more than I thought it would.
She is in the best possible place. I know that. In the cemetary where she is buried she is surrounded by family.
I was just being selfish by wanting her here with me.
Just in case you haven't sen it yet...
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
A new day
Yesterday was strange. It's hard to celebrate and/or grieve a day that really means nothing in the whole scheme of things. But yet it's there hanging on to the edge of my thoughts. I had a mornign meeting at work and then because it ran late I had to rush to my Peri for another appointment. In the midst of all that the haunting "It should be like this..." kind of thoughts kept pushing their way in to my mind. I haven't done that for a long time.
T didn't remember what day it was and I didn't mention it to him. We had a long talk recently - he thinks it's unhealthy to give so much power to dates. So I let him remember things in his way and I remember in mine. No hard feelings - just a mutual respect of the fact that we are very different people with very different approaches to life. (Believe me - this has take us a LONG time to figure out, but it works)
We live three hours away from where Ellie is buried so I didn't get to go visit her grave. That makes me a little sad. I wish she was here with me, that she was always within reach.
After she died I wish someone had talked to me (us) about our options. Everyone who I've ever known who died got buried. It didn't even occur to me that we could have her cremated so that her ashes could come home with us.
I'm not from the area where I currently live and neither is my husband. So a local cemetary wasn't really an option for us - because who knows how long we will live here. So we chose to have our daughter buried at the church where T grew up. In the plot next to his grandparents. It's a perfect place for her to be - except for the fact that I wish she wasn't there.
There are so many things that I wish had happened differently - I've learned to accept most of them because they were completely out of my control. But this is something that I just can't let go of.
Some days it easily slips from my mind - but then there are days like today that I wish I had more than a wilted flower and some tiny footprints on a card in a decorative box to hold onto.
T didn't remember what day it was and I didn't mention it to him. We had a long talk recently - he thinks it's unhealthy to give so much power to dates. So I let him remember things in his way and I remember in mine. No hard feelings - just a mutual respect of the fact that we are very different people with very different approaches to life. (Believe me - this has take us a LONG time to figure out, but it works)
We live three hours away from where Ellie is buried so I didn't get to go visit her grave. That makes me a little sad. I wish she was here with me, that she was always within reach.
After she died I wish someone had talked to me (us) about our options. Everyone who I've ever known who died got buried. It didn't even occur to me that we could have her cremated so that her ashes could come home with us.
I'm not from the area where I currently live and neither is my husband. So a local cemetary wasn't really an option for us - because who knows how long we will live here. So we chose to have our daughter buried at the church where T grew up. In the plot next to his grandparents. It's a perfect place for her to be - except for the fact that I wish she wasn't there.
There are so many things that I wish had happened differently - I've learned to accept most of them because they were completely out of my control. But this is something that I just can't let go of.
Some days it easily slips from my mind - but then there are days like today that I wish I had more than a wilted flower and some tiny footprints on a card in a decorative box to hold onto.
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