Dreams

I've been having the craziest dreams lately. Really vivid dreams about my ex-husband. It's so strange. I haven't thought much about him in years but I guess lately it's been on my mind.

Things ended pretty badly between us. Mostly my fault. We haven't had any contact in at least 6 or 7 years now.

I've reconnected with a really good friend from that period in my life and I guess that has me wondering if I should try to contact him too.

I screwed up - I know I did. Not the actual divorce - just the way it came about. My Ex and I just have so much shared history. We met in 8th grade and spent most of our HS years as best friends and then went to college together too. I don't think about it often - but sometimes when I do I feel like there is a huge hole in my life because I can't share all of those memories with someone who was there, who could help me remember the details that I've already forgotten.

At the time - I just left. I left everything - pictures, mementos, anything that would remind me of him or of us. I didn't think I would ever want that stuff. But now I find myself strangely nostalgic about my 20's. Maybe it's that fact that I'm getting closer and closer to 40. Who knows.

I know I probably never will contact him again but I will always wonder.

A better day

Well - I told my collegue about the pregnancy. She was really happy for us. So - WOW - that went better than planned. She is going to go forward with her IVF schedule and we're both going to wait a while to tell our boss about not going on the business trip. So - no more stress for a while and our secret is mostly still a secret.

Life just doesn't cooperate

Nothing ever seems to work out the way that I'd like it to. Sorry - I'm ging to use this post to whine for a few minutes. I like to have a plan - and when my plan doesn't work the way I want it to I get annoyed.

I ended up booking the work trip last week knowing full well that I wouldn't be going. But I just wasn't ready to let anyone else know (and I'm still not...) but now I have to come clean.

A very close co-worker is trying to schedule an IVF cycle. The June trip dates conflict with her potential schedule. She was going to cancel her IVF cycle because of the work trip.

I can't let her do that knowing that I have no intention of going. She and her husband have debated doing IVF for 2 years. He's finally agreed. I can't get in the way just because I'm to scared.

So deep breath, muster up the courage... I've got to tell her first (which I was also dreading... she's been in IF land as long as we have...) and then I've got to tell my boss.

All of this before I really even know for sure it's actually a viable pregnancy. I was going to wait until June to tell anyone IRL about the pregnancy. For some reason that felt like a good time to do it. It gave me time to get OK with everything and it gave me time just to feel a little better about how this pregnancy was going to go.

Some days life just isn't fair.

The zoo was a blast! And we didn't even see many animals!!! Amelia was far to interested in all the kids activities they had. They have an area called kidzone - with all kinds of hands on crafts, a garden area, a maze chalk board wall and HUGE sand play area. She was much more intersted in all of that excitement than some sleepy lazy animals. But she had FUN! That was the best part.

I'm still hanging in there... 6 weeks this week... (I think so anyway...) December feels like a lifetime away. I've started checking my BP again every day. Today was great - 122/79 - thanks to Labetelol I'm sure.

Hope everyone else had a great weekend!

Friday

Don't really have much to share today. It's been a quite week.

At least I now have the distinct pleasure of constant nausea. It is my reminder that yes, you are really pregnant. I go back for more bloodwork on Monday and then a first US on the 30th.

The sun is shining today and the trees are finally green. I can see the wisteria is in bloom from my office window. I know it's really a menace - but the soft purple looks so beautiful draped over the new green on the leaves. It makes me want to get out of the office.

I hope everyone has a safe and relaxing weekend. We are taking Amelia to the Zoo with some friends of ours and their grandson. (That is a little strange to think about isn't it...I have friends with grandchildren older than my own children...) We're all ready for the outing.

I should be getting my first vegetable share in the next week or so. I'm looking forward to having fresh vegetables evry week! Especially when tomatoes and cucumbers start coming!!! I can't think of a better summer meal - garden fresh tomatoes and cucumbers - YUM!

A few more work pictures

A little of this and a little of that...

I hope everyone had a happy Easter!

We spent the weekend with Truett's parents. Overall it was good. Nothing big or exciting just a good weekend with family.

We went to visit Ellie's grave on Sunday with Amelia. Sometimes she wants to go other times she doesn't. But today she did. When we got there we found that several people had left flowers for Ellie on Easter. Truett's parents, his aunt and his grandmother all left pretty spring arrangements for her. That was so amazing to drive up and see all those flowers at her little grave.

I started my Lovenox shots last week and already my stomach looks like a funky science experiment. Mostly I've done great and gotten very little bruising - but then there are the places that just are plain BAD! I've never in my life until now wished that I had a bigger belly!! But if I keep making the big bruises I'm going to run out of room before 9 months is up! (not complaining about it as long as it gets me through this pregnancy!!!) I went back for my first blood check today.

I'm thinking about changing the title of my blog - but I'm not sure if I'm ready for it or not. Same with adding a little ticker thing. If something were to happen with this pregnancy it would be one of those horrible reminds that I'd just have to go back and get rid of. Just not ready for anything big yet -but there's not much else I think about either...

I've been thinking a lot about when to tell people about the pregnancy. I know I don't want to do it anytime soon - but there are a couple of situations where I should tell someone but I just don't know if I feel comfortable doing that or not. In some ways I would love to tell them now because i know everyone would be so excited - but in other ways I would love to wait until the baby is born so I don't have to carry everyone else's worry along with my own.

I need to book a work trip to China with my boss and several co-workers. We had settled on the dates (late June) but not booked the trip yet. Should I book the trip knowing that I won't be going? I know it's cowardly - but I just can't tell them yet.

And then telling our families... My Mom will be visiting us at the end of May - (about 12 weeks for me) But then she and my dad, sister and BIL will all be coming to visit in July. Can I wait that long to tell them? Or will they be mad and upset with me for waiting?

I also looked at a calendar this weekend - July 17th is the big day. The day in my pregnancy with Ellie that everything fell apart. Right now it kind of feels like I will be holding my breath until then.

Sorry - I'm slightly obsessive about worrying in case you hadn't noticed.