Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday was hard but Tuesday was harder.
We got to WI Sunday evening - no problems with flights thank goodness! (Usually there is some kind of delay getting in or out of the small airport near my parents house) It made me so sad knowing that I was flying home and wouldn't get to hear my Grams give me a hug and say "Hi Hon" like she's always done for the years I've been gone.
She's spent her life waiting for people to come back to her - her husband (who worked on the road while she raised 4 children) Her sons (who all went off to war and couldn't stay put when they finally came back home) and her grandchildren (who scattered across the country for love or jobs or both). The only constant in her life was my mom. Day in and day out through the good and the bad, through frustration and tears - my mom was her rock and she was my mom's. My mom was there with her when she died. She saw the fear in her eyes and held her hand as her breathing stopped and her pulse faded.
My grandma was stubborn, from a very long line of stubborn. She was old and it was hard for her to do most things but she wanted to be at "home" until the end and she was. She died at home surrounded by her favorite things in her favorite rocking chair. If there was ever anything that My grandma did it was rock. My mom had to keep a rocking chair in her living room because that was the only place Grams would sit.
She spent the day with her last brother on the Sunday before she died. She made him potato pancakes and they played cards. And most likely sat in her living room watching the weather channel for an hour at least.
Monday was the visitation at the funeral home. For me it was like torture. I don't do public grief very well. I just wanted everyone to go away and stop talking so I could stand next to her and cry. I know it seems strange - she was my grandmother, not my mom after all - but she was so much more than a grandmother. I spent a huge portion of my childhood with her. She lived with us until I was 6 yrs old. (She moved out because my mom got pregnant again! That's just how she was...) So every early memory of mine has her in it too.
I haven't been to a funeral since Ellie's - not that this was in any way similar, but the raw emotions were still there. And like I said - public grief just isn't my thing. I wish I could have just sat in that room with her for hours - just the two of us. So I mostly stood mute while everyone else mingled. I tend to be mostly anti-social in a mostly social family. My Mom was a champ - keeping her brothers in line (not at all an easy task for two men who hadn't spoken since 1989 at another funeral) and greeting everyone who came.
Tuesday was the funeral. Everything was well thought out and executed - but it was still a funeral. It was more of the same.
But now comes the even harder part. The days that stretch out before you without someone you love. For me it will be easier. She wasn't a part of my daily landscape. I will go home and slip back into my life with another hole in my heart. But for my mom - the entire landscape of her life will have changed. I remember how hard that was to adjust to. For now she will be busy. Her brothers will both be here for the next few weeks to help her get everything taken care of (not that either one is really that much help...) and she will be busy dismantling a life. But after the tasks are completed and the to do list is done. She will have to deal with the quiet that follows. I dread that for her.
Friday, September 25, 2009
My mom called yesterday with some sad news.
My grandmother passed away yesterday evening - exactly one month after her 90th birthday.
I'm trying to figure out how to get all of us up there as I type...
I hate that I didn't argue with T a little harder to let me go up there for her birthday. I really wish I had gotten to see her and say good bye.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I've outgrown every piece of clothing that I felt like wearing today. I think I tried every single thing in my closet on this morning before it finally got to late and I had to give up and leave. The maternity clothes that I felt so smug about buying on sale early on all look stupid once you put a gigantic body inside them.
I must have slept funny because I woke up with a kink in my neck that means I'm sitting hunched over my computer with my head at a funny angle because it hurts to sit up straight.
I got a ton of snarky e-mails from our overseas office last night. We all work for the same company but for some reason there is always some kind of stupid sibling rivalry going on. And the overseas director is back on a testosterone driven rampage to prive he's in control of the world. On of his biggest supporters in our company even calls him "a bull in a china shop"... Just because I am a woman and I happen to be pregnant does NOT mean I have lost my brain...
Every project that I'm really excited about recently has ended up having to be dropped because of price increases or testing problems. My involvement seems to be the kiss of death for any new fabric lately.
I'm just in a crappy, crappy bad mood today. The past 2 wks of grey overcast skies doesn't really help matters either.
I want to go home and watch a movie and pretend that the world outside doesn't exist...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
First - big boy is doing great!!! He weighs 2lb 10oz already!!! (it is strange to think about how much bigger he is already than Ellie was... she was right at 1lb when she was born) It seems big to me - but it puts him in the 40th percentile - so pretty average.
We didn't get to see much on the ultrasound because I almost passed out... I had to do the dreaded glucose test and they decided to give me the lovely drink on my way into the ultrasound room. Luckily the tech was super quick and efficient... because I started feeling sick almost immediately. She got the measurements she needed and nothing else... So no pretty baby pics to post :( After 10 or 15 minutes that cold sweaty feeling finally passed and I felt a little bit better. I should get the results later this week... I'm a little worried about it but Dr. H said he didn't think there would be a problem.
But then it was on to the lab... except for the side trip on the way to the lab with a very strange little woman doing a research survey on pregnancy after loss... I didn't mind answering the questions - but they were just bizzarre and completely random. Obviously written by someone who knows very little about actual pregnancy complications and loss.
Once we finally made it to the lab they took 3x as much blood as I was expecting them too - so on top of feeling light headed from the junk I drank I felt light headed from the blood they drew too...
And just because I needed one more thing today I got another Rhogam shot.
Then we finally saw Dr. H... He said everything looked not just good - but wonderful!!! We were planning to start NSTs this week - but since the ultrasound showed such good growth and my fluid levels looked good he's going to put them off for another couple weeks! Not that I mind having to do them - but it's great news that we don't need to! He did increase my lov.en.ox dose. Which completely sucks because I just last week ordered a full month's supply of the lower dose... so now I get to pay that unreasonable amount twice this month...
Sorry for the whine fest... It really was a great day with great news!
I saw Dr. E for jsut a minute in the hallway. She gave both of us a big hug and said how happy she was that we had made it this far and were still doing so well.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Has anyone made cake pops? I keep hearing about them...
It sounds like a fun kids party treat - but do they taste good?
I found a recipe for Halloween cake pops that sound really yummy - but then again I am partial to anything pumpkin. (Yeah for Thanksgiving!!!)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Here I am feeling completely gigantic and people (not people I see every day...) are just now starting to tell me that I really look pregnant... Like they hadn't been sure until now if I was just gaining weight or what.
It's strange and new to be this pregnant. I just follow my belly around all day long. It's like a whole other appendage with a life of it's own attached to my body. It just rolls and bulges with no thought to who might want to be asleep or not.
Big boy must have turned head down last night. All of a sudden I am feeling kicks high in ribs right where my abdomen tends to fold in half when I sit down.
As with everything this time around there is a sense of nostalgia with each new pregnancy sensation. I wonder what it would have been like to get to 28wks with Ellie. If we could have caught the PE and slowed it's progress and given her time to grow. But I try not to dwell on those thoughts. They never lead to a good state of mind.
We have another growth scan on Tuesday. I'm hoping everything still looks as good as it did last time. I feel like my belly has gotten bigger - but I haven't really gained much weight between this time and the last. (Maybe that's a good thing...). Hopefully we will have some great pics to show you then!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
We decided on a name for Big Boy. Actually we decided on a name a long time ago - right after we found out it was a boy. It was a split second thing and immediately we knew it was right. Until now we haven't told anyone. And probably won't IRL... until after the baby is born and the name has been given.
But - I am afraid that others will have a problem with the name - not so much a problem, but read more into it than we intended. So I'll share it here with you and give you the whole story that most people probably won't even take the time to hear.
I had the most wonderful nurse while I was in labor with Ellie. Her name was Eli. I have never forgotten how kind and compassionate she was. In a way that none of the other nurses even came close to. Not that the other nurses were unkind - they were just different.
When we first started talking about names we went with family names and had tentatively settled on one that we both liked. We also knew that we preferred more old fashioned or traditional names.
But then one night while we were watching True Blood on DVD (of all things...) I just blurted out the name Elijah Thomas and it felt right in a way that none of the other names had felt right. We looked at each other and knew it was right because at the same moment seconds after I said the name we both knew we would call him Eli.
For us this is a way to honor Ellie and the place that she has in our hearts and our lives and to honor a very special nurse that made a very painful time a little better.
And as always I worry about everything... Now I am worried that everyone will think that we have named our son Eli just because we are trying to replace Ellie. When really he has his very own special place in our hearts too.
I guess people are just going to think what they think and nothing will change that.
I heard this morning that Mary Travers died yesterday. Even though I don't actively seek out Peter, Paul and Mary songs they seem to be a part of so many memories... the clip they played of this song brought tears to my eyes.
I was 17 years old, sitting on the steps of the Sacre Coeur in Paris with a group of friends. We were listening to a street musician play this song. I was crying my eyes out because in a weeks time I would have to get on a plane and say good bye to each and every one of these people that I had grown to love.
I was an exchange student in northern Germany for my junior year of High School. A group of us took a summer train trip around Europe before my departure date and Paris was our last stop and I was no where near ready to go home. 25 years later hearing this song still brings it all back.
An this one is just one of the most beautiful songs ever...
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I am getting ready to go on a cleaning rampage in our house. I would love to take a week off of work and go room by room and just empty them out of all the junk that accumulates over years of in habitation. My problem is I hate to see it go - in some way or another I love everything we have in our house...
Like my books - I have two huge shelves of books (and this is after getting rid of boxes and boxes of books when T & I got married) that are jam packed already and I am constantly adding new ones that I just can't quite bring myself to swap. You know - the books that you just might want to go back and re-read in a few years - or the ones that you know you won't ever read again, but you love anyway... OK - I admit, even though I don't read nearly as much as I used to, there really isn't a book that I have laid my hands on that I don't love in some way or another. (I've got the same problem in YaYa's room - she's only 4 and her poor bookshelf is overflowing too...) Can't get rid of my books...and they really deserve more room....
Or my shoes - T built me a shoe cabinet when we moved into our house. It's like a huge armoire for devoted to keeping my shoe clutter to a minimum. (I won't even mention how many pairs I had at last count...) (I just might send a prize to anyone who comes close with a guess...) But I love them too... I might not wear all of them anymore but they all have sentimental attachments. I can tell you when and where (and usually) why I bought each one... How can I part with them????
My clothes - I've recently been able to go through and weed them out so they aren't in such bad shape -but really they are like my shoes... they all hold various sentimental attachments...
My yarn - I could get let go of some of that but really that would be like admitting defeat... admitting that I really won't get that laundry list of to do projects done in the next 10 years...
Hmmm... maybe I dont' need to clean out anything... what I really need is a bigger house...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Why are the comments so hard to handle? It's like all of a sudden my body went from being my own business to every one's.
I'm happy and excited to be where I am - it's just weirdly different than I expected...if I really expected anything in particular.
I dragged YaYa and T to the local Tar.get this weekend to do a baby registry. T's mom told us in no uncertain terms that she will be having a shower for us no matter what. T doesn't like the idea very much but I think he will get over it. I'm kind of excited. We didn't get to have one for YaYa or Ellie so this is a whole new thing for me. In the process of choosing things T actually started to point out things that he thought were cute...major progress!!! And YaYa just chose things that she liked... I added them at the store - but now I've got to go back through and take them off... I don't think the baby will need a spider man rolling backpack for a while....
It feels good to have a list of things that we will need for the baby. Even if we don't have any of them early - there is a plan in place. It makes me feel better. They were also having an awesome sale on baby stuff last week so I went ahead and ordered a car seat and a co-sleeper to be delivered to work. That way I have the bare minimum of what we need when the baby does come and T doesn't need to stress about it in the interim. He can go buy the crib and everything else after the baby is born and I will not give it another thought. I stressed myself out over it for a week and now - I'm just going to let it go.
I read this post by Craig this morning and realized how much of the attention and care has been focused on me during this pregnancy. So I'm going to work on giving T the tlc and attention he deserves. I live with this baby every minute of every day...he just sees my belly grow and hears me complain about shots and heartburn. If he could feel what goes on inside me minute by minute he would have a whole different perspective. I try to get him to feel the baby move but by the time he gets his hands where they need to be the baby has gone quiet again.
Sorry for the weekly ups and downs - I seem to be bouncing from one extreme to the other. But for now - I'm back to feeling good about things.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Saw my MFM on Tuesday and everything still looks good. We have another growth scan in two weeks along with my GD test. (My finger are crossed on that one...my sister had GD with both of her pregnancies...) Then after 28 / 29 wks we start doing weekly NSTs.
There's no hiding this belly anymore! It completely gets in the way when I try to bend over and pick something up off the floor...which I do A LOT...4 yo's just don't completely get the concept of putting things back where they belong when you're done with them (but then again 38 yo's don't really get that concept either...)
Thursday, September 10, 2009
She always finds a project for me to work on. This one I couldn't resist. She picked out some purple and pink space dyed yarn that was on clearance sale and decided she wanted a purse with a flower on it.
Because I am avoiding the other knitting dilemma I've created for myself I happily obliged... and so - now we have a pink and purple flower purse that matches her brand new shiney purple tennies.This is her showing off her 1st library book checked out with her very own library card!!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I know we will work it out. It's just a matter of timing. I want things to be OK now and as usual - T & I have completely different internal time schedules. He works through things at a completely different rate than I do. Sometimes I really loose sight of that. I get tired and frustrated and ready to give up - but then some how we manage to have a really good day or week or month...
So far the counseling thing hasn't worked out for us. We'ver tried it a couple of times - but again - we are such different people we respond to counselors very differently too. So for now - I'm trying to give him his space to work out what he needs to and hoping that we can keep on going until things manage to work out for us again.
We've called a truce for now. Maybe once we both have some time to think about things we will be able to talk about the situation with out getting defensive.
He's a wonderful person and a fabulous dad. I knew I wanted to build a family with him from the beginning.
So for now we are limping along - both of us hoping for the best.
Friday, September 4, 2009
You always hear how hard it is for a couple, a marriage, a family to survive the death of a child.
After a death there are always stories to be shared - about so & so who broke up after their son died, or some one's aunt who turned into an alcoholic and her husband left her... additional tragedies piled up on top of tragedy.
But do you ever hear about the families that make it through the really hard stuff only to fall apart in a time of relative calm?
That's what seems to be happening to us...
It isn't sudden, even though it really feels like this has all happened out of the blue. We've had our own share of problems - some big, some small, some incredibly stupid... but this is different somehow.
It's hard to write about the nasty skeletons in my closet - I don't tell anyone these things - I guess because if no one else knows then I can pretend that they don't exist too.
Sorry but I have to give you the background otherwise it won't all make sense...
"T" and I met at work - when we met we were pretty much equals, but over the years I have moved into a position to essentially be his boss. For the most part this didn't cause any problems until our industry collapsed and in order to survive the company had to downsize. In my new position I was involved in the decision making process. For two years I agonized over choices about who to keep and who to let go. And then last October in our last round of cuts - T's position became part of the equation. Really there was no choice - it just had to be done. On some level he knew it was coming too - but the reality of it was hard. He is still able to do a few freelance things for us here and there - but not really that much. Because of the state of the industry there just aren't any jobs in the area (or in the US) anymore.
So with the loss of his job - the downward spiral for us began. I don't know how to help him. He's just given up on everything. I know it is depression - but in his mind it's just the way life is and will always be. I've tried to get him to see some one - but he just won't make that leap to reach out for help. And now it's been going on for so long that I'm starting to get frustrated and short tempered with him not doing anything...literally...nothing for days at a time.
I don't want to be like this - but I feel all this pressure to keep things going - pay the bills, try to get things done, plan for a new baby, make the world and OK place for YaYa while watching T fade away before my eyes.
Nothing will snap him out of the rut he is in. I tried to get him excited about doing the baby's room. He did a great mural in YaYa's room before we brought her home. But it just lead to a big fight. (Did I mention that on top of everything else we tend to be polar opposites on most things... I like to get things done early - T tends to prefer the last minute approach...)
He just blurted out that I forced him into having another baby and that I should have to handle everything because this is what I wanted - not him. Later he said he didn't mean it - but it's there hanging over our heads.
We've barely talked all week - and mostly that is my fault - I know he's feeling bad but so am I.
I'm not ready yet to be the one to make everything OK. I'm not ready to forgive the thoughtless words that cut me to my core. And I will go on doing what I'm doing but that joy, that wonderful hard found joy that had just surfaced is a little less bright and special.
How is it that we ended hurting now more than ever?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
There are so many of you out there who have far worse situations. I feel guilty complaining about anything.
So - I'll post football pictures instead...or at least I'll send you our family blog where I did post pictures.... "T" is the big football fan - I'm just along for the ride. Every so often my boss is out of town for a game so he gives his seats to someone at work. We usually get lucky enough to go to at least one game per season.